Ahh, to be this creative

Pearl and the Beard - Will Smith Medley from Goddamn Cobras Collective on Vimeo.

And that is how it's done

Living in the city has advantages and disadvantages but I've come to realize that the think I dislike most about the city is one of the things that suburbanites hate about the city.

Parking.

They will complain about how they have to pay an arm and a leg or how they can never find parking in front of their favorite club. Take a cab like everyone else. Douche. We know that in Downtown or Lincoln Park anything within 2 blocks is rock star parking.

No, what I'm complaining about is not being able to park in front of my own damn HOUSE! There used to be parking in front of my house until the yuppies with their 2 or 3 cars moved into my neighborhood. Then the next block over got zoned parking, so if I get home after 9pm I am doomed to park a block or more away. Bastards!

But to all the suburbanites, townies, and country folk who can't parallel park to save their lives I just want to say...


Front Bumper


Back Bumper

That's how it's done.

I have a monopoly on feeling crappy right now

It's 12:30am and I've been at work for 3 1/2 hours and I have 6 1/2 to go. I've been up since about noon yesterday. I have a headache, upset stomach and body aches. Unfortunately I think this is more due to drinking like an idiot yesterday than anything else. I am tired as hell and time is moving slower than molasses in January.

The Matador had a baby today. His initials are BJ. I'm sure he'll love that in high school.


Ate some good food last night. Sai Cafe. At Armitage and Sheffield. High end sushi at moderate prices. I highly recommend sitting at the sushi bar, the chefs are friendly and make great recommendations about food and sake. Try the creamy octopus. Tastes way better than it sounds.

Time to get back to work

Good Night and Good Luck

Fear and loathing in every corner of my life

Things really aren't that bad, there are women who like me and want to spend more time with me but I don't pursue them the way I should and don't know why.

What I do know is that I'm angry all the time. Angry at traffic, angry at traffic tickets, angry at people who say LOL out loud. If you are talking you are not laughing so shut the fuck up. Angry at people who want the government to buy their Motrin for them. Angry at the people who text due when they mean do. Angry at my ex-wife who is once again going on vacation with my daughter over Christmas break. Taking her to Italy. And apparently if they don't go during that time frame the trip doesn't happen and my daughter misses the opportunity to travel to one of the most beautiful and historic countries in the world on someone else's dime. So rather than be an asshole and say no I'm the asshole who has to spend Christmas with out the one person on this planet I do not hate.

Yes, I hate people. All people. My loathing of the human race has reached an all time high. I can't stand that as a society we have lost the knowledge of how to treat a fever without a trip to the ER. That every time your child hits it's head hard enough to leave a bump we have to irradiate his/her head in a CT scanner, just so we can sleep better. Yeah, you'll sleep better when your child is getting chemo for brain cancer or is developmentally delayed because you fried his/her damn brain.

And why can't we speak English? I may have to move to Oxford and sweep floors for a living just so I can here people speak the Queen's.

The abbreviations and shortcuts that we have created are destroying us. People wonder if we will end up making androids and machines that will take over the world. We already have. They are called cell phones, computers, DVD player's. When was the last time you read a damn book. When was the last time I finished a book. I have more unfinished books in my house than the average teenager, who throws down the assigned book after two chapters, if not two pages, in search of the Cliff notes or the DVD. Americans used to aspire to be better than the last generation, now we aspire to be lazier. How can I get more, oh yes we still want more, while doing less. Everybody looks for the shortcut. If you learned anything from childhood it should be that shortcuts only get you muddy shoes and ripped jeans.

The shame now is that our kids don't even play outside. They don't run through the neighbor's yard, or climb that tree they aren't supposed to, or play kick the can in the alley. They don't play. Only inside. Only on their computers. And only when they get bored with Facebook and Youtube.

Get your kids off the fucking couch.

No me importa

There is more story to tell you but I am good and tired and really don't care right now. I have to work tomorrow for the first time since I dislocated my shoulder and I am sooooo excited.

Wish me luck

One Banana Two Banana Three Banana Four

Do you ever feel like your life is a Banana Splits Episode. I feel like that more and more. The one of those crazy faced guys chasing around other crazy face guys and it never really stops unless it's time to ride the slide.

I dislocated my shoulder yesterday. Falling down the stairs is the party line, and you aren't going to hear anything else unless you know the password. Told this story to a way cute lady I'm infatuated with. She knows the password but I'm waiting until she is close enough to whisper it in my ear.

So now I am in mild to moderate constant pain with the occasional sharp fuck you if I move the wrong way. But the worst part is I am strapped into this modern torture device called a shoulder immobilizer. I now have even more sympathy for my friend with quadriplegia, he can still walk but is weak in his left leg and has no use of his left arm. Or maybe it's his right arm. It escapes me at the moment. Anyway loss of the use of your dominant hand his a huge pain in the arse. And so is doing anything you normally do on a regular basis. Like put on a shirt, or pull up your pants. Brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand is odd, wiping your ass with your non-dominant hand is downright surreal.

I'm going to miss 2 possibly 3 days of work because of this nonsense. That is a significant amount of money to lose, especially when due to recent extra expenses I am pretty much running on fumes as far as money goes.

random diverson:

I want a woman who is both sexy and smart. Who doesn't write due when she means do. who doesn't abbreviate and use aolspeak everytime she texts. Who gets it when I make an obscure reference or use a word they did teach you in grade school. But who can still wear sexy dresses and high heals and can pull off those sexy short shorts when the moment calls for it. I am sure there is a hot 25-35 yo woman out there with an IQ over 110 with ambition and drive and a wry sense of humor who is looking for a slowly balding cough *almost forty* guy with a gut who wields sarcasm the way Harrison Ford wields a whip, who is not afraid to grab the bull by the horns even if it means ending up in a shoulder immobilizer.

I'm starving and because the two women I am almost dating just got back into town and are taking care of their families instead of taking care of me I think I will go find food and solace with my friendly neighborhood bartender.

Go say hi to tony, because he is still the best writer out there. And say congrats to Sass on her new job.

My baby wrote me a letter...

My daughter, Monkey, left town 9 days ago to go work at a summer camp for 10 weeks. I am already in withdrawal. (spell check and the dictionary have just informed me that the correct spelling is indeed withdrawal and not withdrawl, who knew?) I have begun calling the alarm on my phone that goes off every night at 8pm reminding me to call my daughter, previously known as love alarm, sadness alarm.

But last night upon arriving home from work, I found in my mailbox a letter from Monkey. This made me very happy. It informed me that she is having a good time, has made friends with all the girls on crew, and that I shouldn't worry because there are no cute boys there. I wasn't worried, ok I wasn't too worried, but I definitely feel better now.

I am going to write a return letter now.

It may be a surprise

It may be a surprise to those that don't know me, but ian currently amazingly drunk.

I am sorry but this was supposed to be a long post bvut the combination of my intoxication and the iPhones spell check makes to fiifficult to continue. I have corrected some of my mistakes by I am dome trying hb make this legible. Have fun.

Live king and prosper.

Pray that I make it t ark on time tomorrow.