Test, Testing, Test One

It was a dark and stormy night. I'm wondering if I can post more blog posts if I dictate of questioning something to say before I dictate that way I can Matieson bumpers for right now I'm tired and want you can what the hell is this sometimes it dictates correctly sometimes it. Believe that I don't know if it's easier if I talk faster or do I talk slow are but it's all just got a nonsense and I just want something that works correctly. Thank you

I'm posting this without corrections are some Kisumu stuff is by time I read it I don't remember what it was supposed to say two I want you to know what this looks like this is done by dragon dictation for the iPhone and I hope that eventually it records everything correctly I think most of the contract worker somebody correct words are to do to Ingco audible pauses so I tried to do only inaudible pauses to see if that works better.

If it is 8:49 PM on Wednesday, December 22 freeze for Christmas 2009 and I am just wasting time because I want to work. Does anyone really wanted to work. I don't know I suppose this couple I currently not one of them Somersalmi job that I actually enjoy anyone knows about any of those please let

So it's official Dragon dictation cut you off if you go to long without stopping so apparently after this sentence or two Heydon way men do again so that you got shot tonight and did not

Okay I want to try that last phrase again because it should have been hard. Goodnight and good luck

Crazy Tired

Hope I can sleep. Yesterday I fell asleep on the couch from 10p to midnight and then got up and went to bed to discover that I could not sleep. At 1am I admitted defeat and got up, worked out, tried to put plastic over the living room windows-Fail, ordered a chicken sandwich, an italian sausage, and garlic bread. chicken sandwich is still in the fridge but I fear it is not long for this world.

I just got up and put said sandwich in the oven. Someone please remind me to go get it before it is charcoal.

Long story short I didn't fall asleep until 6am. I set my alarm for 11am because I am forever the optimist. I got out of bed at 2. Managed to do nothing of importance until 3, then I showered, shaved and cleaned my apartment. Okay I really just straightened up the living room, dining room and bedroom. Then managed to engage in some sexual activity and eat an amazing Jibarito sandwich from Papa Cache Sabroso. My greatest discovery of 2009 was that this place dellivers, and I did it with only 2 days left of the year. By the end of 2010 the will know my name and address by heart. I may even give them a house key so I don't have to go downstairs to open the door. The jibaritos will be, by far, the number one obstacle to me losing weight.

To answer the smart asses out there, you know who you are, the sexual activity of which I speak was indeed with someone other than myself. The lovely lady in question is normally a stay-the-night'er but alas she has left so I am sad. But it is probably a good thing because last night's workout has left my quads sore, and me unable to fully extend my right arm, and I'm sure the left arm will join the right by morning. So I probably would have been much good to her, although I was able to have sex two days after I dislocated my shoulder so I probably could struggle through.

My chicken sandwich is ready to eat so I will see you kids later.

Ahh, to be this creative

Pearl and the Beard - Will Smith Medley from Goddamn Cobras Collective on Vimeo.

And that is how it's done

Living in the city has advantages and disadvantages but I've come to realize that the think I dislike most about the city is one of the things that suburbanites hate about the city.

Parking.

They will complain about how they have to pay an arm and a leg or how they can never find parking in front of their favorite club. Take a cab like everyone else. Douche. We know that in Downtown or Lincoln Park anything within 2 blocks is rock star parking.

No, what I'm complaining about is not being able to park in front of my own damn HOUSE! There used to be parking in front of my house until the yuppies with their 2 or 3 cars moved into my neighborhood. Then the next block over got zoned parking, so if I get home after 9pm I am doomed to park a block or more away. Bastards!

But to all the suburbanites, townies, and country folk who can't parallel park to save their lives I just want to say...


Front Bumper


Back Bumper

That's how it's done.

I have a monopoly on feeling crappy right now

It's 12:30am and I've been at work for 3 1/2 hours and I have 6 1/2 to go. I've been up since about noon yesterday. I have a headache, upset stomach and body aches. Unfortunately I think this is more due to drinking like an idiot yesterday than anything else. I am tired as hell and time is moving slower than molasses in January.

The Matador had a baby today. His initials are BJ. I'm sure he'll love that in high school.


Ate some good food last night. Sai Cafe. At Armitage and Sheffield. High end sushi at moderate prices. I highly recommend sitting at the sushi bar, the chefs are friendly and make great recommendations about food and sake. Try the creamy octopus. Tastes way better than it sounds.

Time to get back to work

Good Night and Good Luck

Fear and loathing in every corner of my life

Things really aren't that bad, there are women who like me and want to spend more time with me but I don't pursue them the way I should and don't know why.

What I do know is that I'm angry all the time. Angry at traffic, angry at traffic tickets, angry at people who say LOL out loud. If you are talking you are not laughing so shut the fuck up. Angry at people who want the government to buy their Motrin for them. Angry at the people who text due when they mean do. Angry at my ex-wife who is once again going on vacation with my daughter over Christmas break. Taking her to Italy. And apparently if they don't go during that time frame the trip doesn't happen and my daughter misses the opportunity to travel to one of the most beautiful and historic countries in the world on someone else's dime. So rather than be an asshole and say no I'm the asshole who has to spend Christmas with out the one person on this planet I do not hate.

Yes, I hate people. All people. My loathing of the human race has reached an all time high. I can't stand that as a society we have lost the knowledge of how to treat a fever without a trip to the ER. That every time your child hits it's head hard enough to leave a bump we have to irradiate his/her head in a CT scanner, just so we can sleep better. Yeah, you'll sleep better when your child is getting chemo for brain cancer or is developmentally delayed because you fried his/her damn brain.

And why can't we speak English? I may have to move to Oxford and sweep floors for a living just so I can here people speak the Queen's.

The abbreviations and shortcuts that we have created are destroying us. People wonder if we will end up making androids and machines that will take over the world. We already have. They are called cell phones, computers, DVD player's. When was the last time you read a damn book. When was the last time I finished a book. I have more unfinished books in my house than the average teenager, who throws down the assigned book after two chapters, if not two pages, in search of the Cliff notes or the DVD. Americans used to aspire to be better than the last generation, now we aspire to be lazier. How can I get more, oh yes we still want more, while doing less. Everybody looks for the shortcut. If you learned anything from childhood it should be that shortcuts only get you muddy shoes and ripped jeans.

The shame now is that our kids don't even play outside. They don't run through the neighbor's yard, or climb that tree they aren't supposed to, or play kick the can in the alley. They don't play. Only inside. Only on their computers. And only when they get bored with Facebook and Youtube.

Get your kids off the fucking couch.

No me importa

There is more story to tell you but I am good and tired and really don't care right now. I have to work tomorrow for the first time since I dislocated my shoulder and I am sooooo excited.

Wish me luck

One Banana Two Banana Three Banana Four

Do you ever feel like your life is a Banana Splits Episode. I feel like that more and more. The one of those crazy faced guys chasing around other crazy face guys and it never really stops unless it's time to ride the slide.

I dislocated my shoulder yesterday. Falling down the stairs is the party line, and you aren't going to hear anything else unless you know the password. Told this story to a way cute lady I'm infatuated with. She knows the password but I'm waiting until she is close enough to whisper it in my ear.

So now I am in mild to moderate constant pain with the occasional sharp fuck you if I move the wrong way. But the worst part is I am strapped into this modern torture device called a shoulder immobilizer. I now have even more sympathy for my friend with quadriplegia, he can still walk but is weak in his left leg and has no use of his left arm. Or maybe it's his right arm. It escapes me at the moment. Anyway loss of the use of your dominant hand his a huge pain in the arse. And so is doing anything you normally do on a regular basis. Like put on a shirt, or pull up your pants. Brushing your teeth with your non-dominant hand is odd, wiping your ass with your non-dominant hand is downright surreal.

I'm going to miss 2 possibly 3 days of work because of this nonsense. That is a significant amount of money to lose, especially when due to recent extra expenses I am pretty much running on fumes as far as money goes.

random diverson:

I want a woman who is both sexy and smart. Who doesn't write due when she means do. who doesn't abbreviate and use aolspeak everytime she texts. Who gets it when I make an obscure reference or use a word they did teach you in grade school. But who can still wear sexy dresses and high heals and can pull off those sexy short shorts when the moment calls for it. I am sure there is a hot 25-35 yo woman out there with an IQ over 110 with ambition and drive and a wry sense of humor who is looking for a slowly balding cough *almost forty* guy with a gut who wields sarcasm the way Harrison Ford wields a whip, who is not afraid to grab the bull by the horns even if it means ending up in a shoulder immobilizer.

I'm starving and because the two women I am almost dating just got back into town and are taking care of their families instead of taking care of me I think I will go find food and solace with my friendly neighborhood bartender.

Go say hi to tony, because he is still the best writer out there. And say congrats to Sass on her new job.

My baby wrote me a letter...

My daughter, Monkey, left town 9 days ago to go work at a summer camp for 10 weeks. I am already in withdrawal. (spell check and the dictionary have just informed me that the correct spelling is indeed withdrawal and not withdrawl, who knew?) I have begun calling the alarm on my phone that goes off every night at 8pm reminding me to call my daughter, previously known as love alarm, sadness alarm.

But last night upon arriving home from work, I found in my mailbox a letter from Monkey. This made me very happy. It informed me that she is having a good time, has made friends with all the girls on crew, and that I shouldn't worry because there are no cute boys there. I wasn't worried, ok I wasn't too worried, but I definitely feel better now.

I am going to write a return letter now.

It may be a surprise

It may be a surprise to those that don't know me, but ian currently amazingly drunk.

I am sorry but this was supposed to be a long post bvut the combination of my intoxication and the iPhones spell check makes to fiifficult to continue. I have corrected some of my mistakes by I am dome trying hb make this legible. Have fun.

Live king and prosper.

Pray that I make it t ark on time tomorrow.

It always amazes me when I come here to see how long it has been since my last visit. But return I have, although not to document the misadventures of my own life but the adventures of others.


In particular one Emile Zola. Zola was a writer, a playwright, a champion of truth and the rights of the innocent in a time when the innocent, or guilty for that matter, had very few rights at all.

***SPOILER ALERT*** Skip the next paragraph and go to the following one if you hate when people spoil the end of the movie for you.

Emile Zola lived in France from 1840 until his death in 1902, except of course for the brief time he spent in London when he had to flee the country of his birth or be jailed. Jailed for speaking out and accusing the leaders of the French Army of convicting an innocent man of treason and covering up their mistake by acquitting the guilty party in order to save face and avoid a scandal.

THE LIFE OF EMILE ZOLA

Best Picture winner in 1937, The Life Of Emile Zola, described the life and times of one of the most famous writers of the late 19th Century. Known as the creator of literary naturalism a form of writing that exposes plot more than characters and plays up the dirty or negative side of life rather than romanticizing life. The movie although admittedly fictionalizing Zola's life shows a interesting portrayal of his life and the court case that defined his spirit for uncovering and trumpeting the truth. And it accomplishes what a biography should do, which is make you more curious about the life of the portrayed individual, while entertaining it's audience. It's 1937 folks so it there isn't any edge of your seat tension but it was well done and definitely worth 116 minutes of your time.

Ripped the Band-aid off

Cut the cord.

Unfortunately as they say this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me. I hate hurting people. I need to learn that hurting people a little now save you from hurting them a lot later.

Anyway I am moving on and have an agenda of improving myself and my life.

I'd ask you to wish me luck but I am full aware that there is no luck involved

Good Night and Good Luck.

Ok kids

No pics. No time to flesh out that last story. Just an attempt to post regularly. You get 10 min with Dave.

I want this guy to post. Because he was just in Vegas and I'm jealous.

I am in small town Indiana visiting my cousins, and tomorrow I will be attending a Scrabble tournament. Yes, I am just that dorky.

I woke up late today and was pissed. But had fun with Monkey once I picked her up.

I didn't go to court to try and resolve my driver's liscence issues

I did get an oil change.

I did decide to rip the band-aid off. No more waiting to see if it will go away. The girl I am seeing (sleeping with) is getting WAAAAAAY to attached and despite me telling her with increasing frequency that I do not want a relationship she sticks around and keeps inviting me over. Have to finally say no.

I have to be up in 7 hours so that's all you get.

Good night and good luck.

Hey

Did some drinking on Monday. Saw an old friend. Sent some funny text messages. Got my shoes shined. Then went home and watched TV on DVD for 4 hours.

It's actually a better story than that but I have 25 min to take a shower and get the hell out of dodge so I am not late for work.

Stay out of trouble, wouldja people.

So much for posting more

This every five day shit has got to go.

Today I ate enough food to feed an entire Ethiopian family for a year.



And enough fat and cholesterol to give all the superfans heart attacks.



There is a definite possibility that I consumed 2500 calories at dinner. Thank you b-dubs.


First I split the chili con queso and Pepperoni bites which are triangles of breaded deep fried goodness wrapped around mozzarella cheese and pepperoni and served with marinara sauce. Actually we split the pepperoni bites and I ate 90% of the chili con queso and chips.

Then I ordered a bacon cheeseburger AND 6 breaded tenders with spicy garlic sauce. Both come with fries, but because I lack the natural fear of dying a slow and painful death I substituted potato wedges covered in bacon and cheese for my fries with the burger. It's a good thing I didn't make the switch on both because the lack of cheese and bacon deterred me from eating all my fries.

It is all ok though because I drank diet coke and water with dinner so it all balances out.

Monkey and I played Buzztime trivia for awhile then left for borders so she could do her homework in semi-silence.

Although I don't know how much attention she paid to her homework because just prior to arriving at borders she entered into a major (for her) teenage crisis. Way back in 6th or 7th grade she made friends with two boys, Neeson and Brown. They were best friends and Monkey started hanging out with them. It may have even started earlier than this I have no recollection. She liked liked Brown, but only liked Neeson as a friend. She was a grade ahead of them so pretty much lost touch with them. I think she saw them once while a freshman but not since. She found them through facebook about 2 weeks ago and then ended up texting him constantly last week while on spring break. I asked her if I had anything to worry about and she told me there wasn't, they were just friends. And then within 24 hours she sent me a text saying "maybe you should worry". I replied that she wouldn't talk that much to a boy she didn't like. "It's not me" "Dad help me! This is what he just said: I mean I put myself on the line and u can't say u don't like me a little... WHAT DO I DO?

And that is the last I heard about it until tonight. I turns out he asked her out on the 1st, and she thought it was a April fool's joke, but it wasn't. She initially said no, then said yes. But then he asked if she was doing it because she wanted to go or because she was humoring him. She said I don't know.

Apparently they agreed no dates but would still be friends. Today he said he wanted to stop talking to her for awhile shich got her all upset. I told her that was probably the better idea. "But what happens when we start talking again." At least she is smart enough to know that his crush won't go away in a couple of days or weeks. All she wants is a friend. Life ain't that simple sweetheart.

Then we ended up at Ed's.


And had milkshakes.



Because there wasn't enough food in my belly already.

Now I am home and will watch Movies and/or West Wing until the sun comes up.

Well, I did

Stop drinking that is. I am officially on hiatus from alcohol until at least Aug 1, possibly Sept 1, but we will see. I would have posted this on April 1 but the people that know me would have called it an April fool's joke. But it's not.

I feel rested today. Pretty much did nothing for the last day and a half. That helps. I was going to do the laundry today but somehow agreed to take the Philarican to the airport. People shouldn't be allowed to ask me favors after midnight. I am always at my weakest.

Speaking of weak, I think I have the flu. It is pretty low grade, but from dealing with my patients I am pretty sure this is Influenza B which builds gradually, kicks your ass in the middle and then takes a long time to go away. As opposed to influenza A which kicks your ass the first two days and then fades within a week.

I am so glad I have a long painful course ahead of me. It is quite motivating.

I am going to go shave now.

Read Sass. She is in Hong Kong.

Someone please remind me to stop drinking.

I hear the train a comin'

And it is going to run over somebody's heart. Stay tuned as David once again crushes a woman heart because he is to stupid to avoid women who throw physical affection his way yet radiate crazy the way the Sun radiates heat and light.

I never promise any thing and I try harder and harder each time to tell them that there is no future or hope for a relationship, and each time they say they understand and then they get naked.

And eventually it all gets ugly and I feel like the asshole.

I'm glad I'm not in Kansas

The wind just blew so hard my entire building shook. I live in a brick 2 flat.

If I wake up in Oz, I am not going to work tomorrow.

I can't imagine what the skyscrapers are like. They are bigger but also higher up. I wonder if you can ever feel the wind in them.

yesterday and today

Yesterday

Boundary was empty. Went home. Fell asleep around 3am.

Today

Woke up at 7:30am. And again at 9am. Went to see an apt that was both the nicest and most expensive so far. Go figure. Further north than I am now but on top of the expressway. Literally. Couldn't here the traffic from the inside though. That was good.

Fucked around on the Internet until 11:30-noon and then slept until 3p.

Went to see Monkey. $70 for sushi for 2 of us. Would have been happier if it was better and I wasn't hungry again 2 hours later. But I guess I am always hungry 2 hours later. Went to Borders. Bought the book Charlie Wilson's War, wish it had the original cover and not the movie cover. I only read a few pages but it looks like it is going to be even better than the movie, and I loved the movie.

Then took Monkey to her school to see her friend M&M sing for fine arts week. Monkey has a better voice than her friend. When I asked monkey why she didn't sign up she said it was because she was stupid. At least she knew she made a mistake. She also said she wouldn't know what song to sing. She walks around singing constantly. She kills me.

Speaking of killing me she didn't turn in two more Physics homework assignments. Arrgh.

Speaking of being hungry I stopped at Wendy's for food. At least I got the chicken sandwich. But I did get fries. And a diet coke which is probably why I am full of energy right now. Somebody remind me that I have to be at work in the morning.

I am going to finish reading the Washington Biography that I am almost done with so I can read Charlie Wilson's War.

Speaking of reminding. I have to finish Fear and loathing in Las Vegas that I started over a week ago but haven't picked up since. Not out of lack of desire but lack of time and in an effort to read only one book at a time, good luck with that, I wanted to finish His Excellency first.