Waiting sweetheart, waiting

I have been sitting for a good ten minutes waiting for inspiration to hit me upside the head with frying pan, but as of yet she has not showed. I want to post more but have not had the urge to say anything in particular so I figured the only cure was to start typing. Maybe some day I'll be funny again. I certainly am funny looking.

I hope you enjoyed looking at the pictures I took at the game as much as I enjoyed taking them. I think I left out the part where after the game and after the dancing and most of my fellow coworkers jumped on the train to return to that hell hole they call Joliet, three of my friends and I went and kidnapped Brother and called and convinced Foti to meet us out at Easy Bar. Which is now by far my favorite bar in my neighborhood and possibly in the City. When we arrived it was only about 8pm or so so the place was empty and the bartender was a girl I have seen in there maybe once. We brought in burritos from Picante down the street and she didn't harass us even though EasyBar's kitchen was still open. I love how laid back they are there. And My good buddy Craig was working. Which was fun and painful at the same time because he loves doing shots as much as I love ordering them. And he doesn't charge me for them. Well not always anyway, but a free shot is always a good shot. We drank some more and then they started dropping like flies. First my friends from J-town then Brother. Foti stuck around for another hour because I can be persuasive like that. Any way we finally left and I ended up on Philarican's couch watching a movie because I wasn't ready to call it a day but I did know it was time to quit drinking which is good because I tend not to realize that point in time. But I am trying desperately to stop being late for work so I figured stopping drinking 8 hours before my shift started would be a good idea. Apparently an even better idea than I thought because I ended up waking up the neck morning still sitting upright on Philarican's couch. Somehow I woke up at 6:05 am without an alarm which is fantastic because I was due at work at 7am.


It is 11:38 and I think I am still recovering from Thursday and lack of sleep. I am going to go to bed and hopefully not wake up when Matador stumbles in to crash on my couch. He will be in the city tonight hanging out with his cousin who is in from out or town. May the force be with him.

Good night and good luck.

CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

I went to the Cubs game on Thursday and they kicked ass. 12-4 kicked ass. I went with about 12 people from work and had a great time. I would love to tell you all about it but it is now 2am on Saturday and I am rat ass tired and still hungover from Thursday. So I will leave you with a bunch of great pictures.

Where the fuck are my pants?

Last night turned out almost as expected.

I drank a lot. Paid little. Saw a lot of women who didn't want to talk to me. Met the owner of a bar. Met another woman Horse Cock claims to have fucked. Might believe him. You wouldn't claim it if it weren't true. Offended at least one woman. Got ditched by my friend. Lost my cell phone. And drove drunk.

Now if only there was anal fisting involved the night would have been truly legendary.

The first part of Ignoramus is Ignor

And I have been ignoring this blog something awful. Yes indeedy. First there was the 4 day bender that had some legendary parts and I started to post about but the first hour of writing barely got me out of the house. And there was day 3 where there was sex in my house but not by me. And day 4 there was lots of drinking in a short period of time, and a little scrabble in a long period of time. And no sleep. And a lot of hangover the next day. And an invite for drinking that didn't pan out. Praise the lord for small miracles. Then there was several days of work in a row. Then there was Miami. Miami, full of drink and eat and women and hangovers and sun and food and drink and women and dominoes and drink and dancing and drink and women and hangovers and women and drink and laughing and they tell me there was golf but I think I was drinking with Wet Willie and his little cousin Fat Tuesday. And there was the airport. To this day I still proclaim that the worst place to be with a hangover other than mom's house is the airport. With it's noise and kids and people asking me questions. And waiting and hot airplanes.

And man just thinking about it is giving me a headache.

But we all know the cure for a headache.

But because sex is not quite available at this time, I will drink. For cheap they tell me. Which is good because I think I single-handedly supported the Miami economy last weekend. But I wouldn't want a single dollar back if it meant I had to trade a single memory.

Do you know who I am? Do you know why I am here?

La chica (o no...)

Makes you think, don't it.

Who is paying for your rock and roll lifestyle

My liver and horse cock seems to be the answer.

I would love to tell you the tale but Horse cock just walk home the woman he met last night and is on my front stairs waiting on my front stairs to go to breakfast.


I am still drunk.

Mmmmmm.....Pizza

Just woke up at 8pm. Which is what happens when you work nights. It sucks because I don't work tonight. It doesn't suck because I was awakened by a call from the The Matador who is dragging his ass to the city, so drunkenness if not hilarity will ensue. And most likely drunken hilarity which is the best kind. So if you are one of my two readers and you know where the best drink specials are in Chicago tonight you will have to let me know. We will probably start at Piece, which is the coolest pizza place in town if not the best. Garlic chicken pizza. Mmmmmmmmmm. Tastes way better than it sounds. I am normally a classic red sauce and meat pizza kind of guy buy this is good eatin'. And they brew their own beer if you're into that kind of thing.

The only thing I managed to accomplish today is to wake up for and stay awake long enough for the cable guy to show up and install my very own cable internet. Yay! About fucking time I stopped freeloading and paying my own way on this ride we call the internet. The guy showed up only an hour into the 4 hour window which was nice, and seemed to be an earnest hardworking fellow instead of the normal creepy guys they send to put in your cable. All seemed to going well, he figured out where he was going to put the cable and then proceeded to drill in to my wall and was moving the drill in and out presumably to make the hole bigger when the drill got stuck. Stuck. In my wall. He tried to move it forward and back, the motor whining it's high pitched what the fuck are you doing to me whine until smoke started to come out of the drill. He gave it a 3 second rest and tried again. More smoke. Luckily the window was open in the room so the smoke could get out of the room so as not to kill us with noxious fumes. I asked if he could disconnect the bit from the drill. He paused and said oh then I could knock it through with a hammer. I am glad we are thinking. I regret leaving the room because I didn't see how he finally got it out but needless to say I have cable internet and am free to roam and scour porn to my heart's delight. Because as we all know the Internet is for Porn.

Second call from Matador. He is 30 minutes out, time to call for pizza. We are eating here because it is Karaoke night at Piece, and I'd rather poke my eyes out than listen to karaoke.

Thanks for playing.

Just another day

I slept for about twelve hours and am still procrastinating about getting stuff out of the basement. I am feeling quasi energized while writing so if I don’t lay down when I am finished with this I may actually get shit out of the basement so Philarican and her Momma don’t kick my ass. I have a blog post I have wanted to put up for a week but the weak inter5net has been fucking with me. I Go Live in 2 days with my very own cable internet. I am happy about that. Thursday is going to be a full on suck ass day. I work on Wed night until 6am then have to be in a dentist’s chair by 11:30am. Then have to be home by 1p to wait for the fucking cable guy. They gave me a 1p-5p window which I suppose is better than an all day window but still will suck. As soon as the anesthetic from the dentist wears off I will order Jimmy John’s and possible pour an alcoholic beverage if I can remember to buy some damn SoCo. Maybe I have some in the basement. I thought of that yesterday but was too damn lazy to check, so I drank Miller Lite instead. While watching The Break Up/. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. My brother said he liked it. He must be getting soft. It wasn’t’ necessarily a bad movie, it just wasn’t good.

It can always be worse

The only thing worse than going into kitchen to pour a drink and finding you have no mixers is going into your kitchen to pour a drink and finding you have no alcohol.

Can you please tell me why I answer the phone.

Can you please tell me why I can't say no to friends.

Can you please tell me why when someone call you with a request for help. That they can't even show up to help them.

Why when I change plans to help someone else I am the one that gets burned. Yes I was a little put out when I had to change to plans to hang out with friends I haven't seen in a week to try help a friend I haven't seen in two months stay out of trouble, whne i know he is going to get back into trouble later. I felt guilty for not wanting to help, but I didn't not hesitate in saying yes. I couldn't meet with him as soon as he wanted but logistics dictated that I stay where I was at until after rush hour. So I get up off my bar stool after dinner and multiple diet cokes when I wanted them to be filled with SoCo and drive an hour to get home to find that my "friend" who needs someone to hang with is nowhere to to be fucking found. He could at least call me back but Nooooooooooo. I get fucked for being a nice guy once again. Maybe I am not nice because I am pissed. Or maybe I am not nice becasue I am not driving around the city trying to find which bar he is drinking himself to death in. Maybe I am not nice because I think he has burned too many bridges and he needs to languish alone. When does being a friend and helping out turn into enabling? I don't know but I actually have similar situations with two friends I don't know what the right thing to do is.

On a lighter note and one of the few positive notes of my day, I beat the Matador at Scrabble.`

Karma bites me in the Ass - Revisited

Oringinally posted July 3, 2005.

If you read the comments you will know that I did not accomplish any of the things I wanted to do. Fell asleep and woke up somewheres around 5:30pm. Then fucked around on the computer and the internet from about 6p to 8p trying to figure out how to post a recorded message. I then finally got my S together and got on the road. Even though I was running late I did not go straight to work. Nope, I had to feed my tummy first. By the time I got on to the expressway it was about 8:30pm, and I figured I would be about 15 minutes late for work. No such luck.

9:04pm My car started to shudder a little and I realized horror of all horrors, I had run out of gas. The engine was still running but it would not go any faster no matter how hard I pushed on the gas pedal. Then I saw the tachometer drop to zero and I knew the engine had died. I was now down to about 60mph and dropping. I put on my flashers and moved onto the shoulder only to remember that there was one of those “wake up strips” on the side of the road. You know, those ridged bumps put there so when you fall asleep and start to ride off the road your tires make an annoyingly loud “BRRRRRRRPPPP” sound so as to wake you the fuck up before you kill yourself and have to explain to St. Peter why you are such a moron that you fell asleep behind the wheel and ran off the road. Speaking of morons behind the wheel, I had run out of gas and was now on the shoulder trying to avoid the strip that was slowing down my already grinding to a halt car on one side “BRRRRRRRPPPP”, and the edge of the pavement that gave way to grass and the ever ominous ditch on the other.

9:05pm I was able to coast almost a mile before coming to a complete stop. So I was now out of gas, late for work and stuck on the side of the interstate 11 mile from work and 1 mile from the next exit. So I grabbed my phone and car keys, got out of my car, and popped the truck to get my gas can. That was not there. Bastards. I had taken my gas can out of my old car when it died but apparently had neglected to move it in to the new car. I slammed the trunk closed and began to move on down the road.

9:07pm I had just dialed work and was just starting to explain what an idiot I am when a car slowed down, pulled on to the shoulder and stopped. So I quickly got off the phone with work, although I was very tempted to give my coworker the license plate number of the car, on the off chance that I was never heard from again. My instincts told me to do this but my inner need to always be polite talked me out of it. How would it look to the occupants of the car if I stopped 7ft from the car and started staring at the license plate? This is how I will end up dead someday. Because I didn’t want to offend some crazed serial killer. I did however give the car a wide bearth as I walked around the side of the car to be even with the front door. It was a relatively new car and it turned out to be a young Hispanic couple. Mid to late twenties, he may have been early thirties but she looked younger than him. I spent most of the time looking at the back of his head. She was shorter and her head did not come up above the head rest. He was very pleasant and talkative. It was very obvious that she did not speak at all the entire way to the gas station. She had given me a small polite smile when I had gotten into the car. She gave me a much bigger polite smile as I got out of the car.

I went into the GasCity and bought a gas can for $3.99, and I told the woman to charge me for a gallon of gas while she was at it, pump of her choice. She looked at me like I had a third eye. She then looked at her coworker, who apparently had some common sense and knew exactly what I meant. Girl #2 looked over my shoulder out the window and said put it on Pump #8. Girl #1 now giving Girl # 2 the third eye look says how. “2.29” was the reply. “2.29?” Yes. “On pump #8?” Yes. Where do they find these people? So I now have my gas can and change and walk back outside to get my gas and am greeted by Barry White’s “Can’t get enough of your love” blaring on the speakers out side for the entertainment and enjoyment of all pumping gas. I made me laugh and want to bust out into to a dance montage Ally McBeal style.

9:22pm I had gotten my 0.996 gallons of gas (even at a bajillion dollars a gallon, they still cheat you out of a little bit), crossed the six lane street, and had walked along the 1 foot shoulder and had made it back to the on ramp, actually the off ramp of the expressway with out being killed. So to celebrate I called the only person who could appreciate what a big dork I really am, That Drunk Girl. She found it very amusing. It set off a very fine conversation about the stupid things we have done. Like the quite hilarious drunk message she sent me the other night. (I still hope to post that). It helped the time pass quickly. I was soon at my car. She let me go so I could stop spilling gas on myself and she could change for the Bar-B-Que she was going to. Five hours earlier in Hawaii you know.

9:36 Gas in car. Me in the car. And now back at the top of the off ramp for the third time, going back to the gas station to fill up my tank. This time I paid at the pump, so I wouldn't have to look at the “I will never be anything but a gas station attendant” woman.

9:44 Tank completely full and in the turn lane to get back on the expressway. The song at the gas station was funny again but I can remember what it was. If I wasn’t frustrated and late for work I probably would have written it down in my PDA.

10:01pm Pulled into the parking lot at work. Instead of being fifteen minutes late (OK, twenty minutes late) I was a hour late. And I still needed to shave.

I got a lot of shit from people at work. Some people thought I had a flat tire. Now there is the telephone game in full effect for you. Others had started guessing at why I was really late. The most popular theory was that I got caught with a hooker in my car. One friend came to my defense saying I would have never gotten caught. Friends, gotta love ‘em.


Until then enjoy the holiday, and stay out of jail. I ain’t got the bail money.

Twenty minutes with Dave

Written at 1am this morning


There are things I want to write about but once again I do not have the energy or focus. So I will babble instead. It usually doesn’t take much energy, because I am not thinking, just turning on the faucet and letting stuff pour out.

Not that anyone will get to read this because my internet is giving me a hard time.
Actually my neighbor’s internet is giving me a hardtime. I have been riding on someone
else’s wireless internet since I moved in here just over 1 year ago. Approximately 1
month ago, I think just after the first of the month the neighbor who had been faithfully for a year, except for the occasional weekend where he apparently left town and shut off his computer, has moved and left me with sketchy at best internet from our other neighbors.

I made the decision just before going to Hawai’i to breakdown and pay for cable internet, but didn’t have enough time to have it set up before I left but was going to call as soon as I got home. Somehow I managed to come home yesterday and sleep for 18 hours straight. I woke up, got my haircut, ate lunch and then fucked around the apartment for a few hours. I did manage to straighten up the apartment and sort my laundry. I would have actually done my laundry but I got hungry and sent a text to Brother to see if he wanted to do dinner. At Shine, just sat down. Damn, another distraction to follow.

And follow it I did. I jumped in the shower and headed over. It took 45 minutes, and he was done eating but he had half a Sapporo left and was willing to sit. He actually ordered a few more pieces of sushi and another Sapporo. That is of course when we were finally able to order. If it wasn’t for the fact that I just returned from the land of No Worries I probably would have been good and pissed off that it took the waiter at least 10 minutes to bring me a menu and another 15 to take my order. Brother and I caught up while we waited. And he felt the need to point out every attractive woman that passed by the window. Interjecting the occasional “I love Lincoln Park” I have to admit I have lost interest in the under 23 set, and it should be the under 25 set but baby steps, baby steps, but brother apparently is quite enamored with every attractive woman over the age of 18.

The sushi was good but not exceptional. Part of that perception may be that I wasn’t necessarily in the mood for sushi. Especially because I had just had it on Monday before leaving Honolulu and that sushi was better.

Leaving Honolulu. Now there’s a story. Actually, leaving Honolulu was easy. Dropped off the rental car at about 9:30p. Quickest drop off ever. Usually it is a huge pain in the arse, but Monday zip, zip. Done. Quick shuttle to the airport and short lines to check in. Monkey and I had seats far apart so I asked for seats together. Not possible but they put us 4 rows apart. Unfortunately she was row 6 which was in front of a dividing wall and I was in row 10 on the same side making it impossible to see her. I was however seated between 2 beautiful women. Who only wanted to sleep. This was better because it kept me from making a complete ass of myself. Only slept for about 2 hours. I have a harder time sleeping on airplanes than I used to. They are so damn uncomfortable. I definitely think American Airlines has some of the most comfortable seats. I need to stick with them instead of bouncing around airlines so I can rack up some frequent flier miles. I played a lot of solitaire on my phone, then read my book when the sun came up. Monkey apparently got to watch the sun rise from the plane. Said it was cool. Most of the windows close to me were closed. We made it to Phoenix and hunted down breakfast. A big Cinnabon for monkey, and a sammich purchased before leaving Honolulu for me. Monkey was nice enough to bring back a Diet Coke for me. We ate and talked then boarded the flight for Chicago. This is where it gets interesting but it has been almost 50 minutes now and I have to be awake in 4 hours to make it to work in the morning.

Twenty minutes with Dave

Why does everthing have to even out?

Or more importantly why do I always feel like I am in the negative column. Probably perception. I am probably pretty much even.

I will preface this rambling with the fact that I believe in the One True God. But I like to attribute some of the smaller things in life to lesser gods. Like the parking god, the weather god, the god of lost things, although he is probably a devil or demon.

And this is the demon I plan to talk about. Due to the influence of some of my friends I also talk about things in terms of karma. That Drunk girl for instance has the best parking karma of anyone I have ever met. Even my ability to frequently find rockstar parking in such a dense over automobiled city such as chicago pales in comparison.

The karma god fucking with me currently is the one in charge of hiding all my shit. i lost my digital camera about 2-3 weeks ago which is why this blog has been bereft of ridiculous pictures of ridiculous people, namely me. That is about to change because I have found my camera. Under my couch. I was sure I looked there before. I know I checked the cushions no less than 4 times. I even checked under The Matador's couch. But on Monday I dropped Scrabble tiles on the floor, of course after counting all the letters to make sure they were all there, and thought some may have gone under the couch which is a fairly dark place so after not seeing any tiles I swept under there with my hand and viola'! Camera!

This would be a fantastic thing except for the events of the previous week. Last Wednesday I had a drunktastic night that I still haven't told you about, including the part where I both bent and lost my sunglasses. My $200+, influenced by shiny objects, Vegas sunglasses. I never spend that much on suglasses because I either lose them or break them. That night I managed to do both. I have been very careful with these. Mainly because I knew how much shit Brother would give me if I lost them. Mister Brother with the same John Lennon give me a fucking break sunglasses for the past 20 years. Yes, Dear Brother 20 years. You're old. Sorry had to get that in there. Then on top of that on Sunday I was working and set down my stethoscope in one part of the ER to suture and then found my self on the other part of the ER (yes it is that big) needing a stethoscope and being to lazy to go back to get it at that moment asked if I could borrow one. Of course Red, not my most favorite person in the universe right now, was the only one with one available. Fast forward an hour or so to my leaving. I went to the locker room and took a stethoscope off my neck and put it in my locker. Now in my mind everything is right with the world. I changed, went running and then met up with mat for food and to go see Knocked up. After eating I walk out of one the few places in Joliet that I can tolerate, while discussing that I don't want to go in Joliet after the movie because I don't want to run into Red. And my phone beeps with a message. I dial voicemail and just as I am about to say "It is Red wanting to meet up" Her voice comes on my message, and I hang up. Partially because it was way to freaky and partially because I can't make out what she is saying. I laugh hysterically and tell Matador about the meassage. After the movie I check my message and find out that she is asking what the hell did you do with my stethoscope. I should just blow her off, but my conscience, pesky bugger that it is, insists that I call to see if she found it. She did not not. Nor did she find mine. I tell her that I know I put a scope in my locker but can't tell her which one. I also tell her that I don't work until tuesday, true, but what I don't tell her is that I am still in Joliet. I can only hear on my phone if the spreaker phone is on. Long story. So the Matador is enjoying this whole conversation. Red says again that she looked everywhere and can't find it. I pause, which makes make giggle silently, then say I don't know what to tell you. Which ends the silence from Matador. He is now giggling quite audibly, while I am elbowing hime in the shoulder. I gues elbowing th edriver is not the best course of action but we survived. He found the whole thing extremely amusing I found it to be a pain in the ass. Phone call ends. I say I hope that my stethocope is in my locker, I mean I will feel bad if I lost her scope, but I paid for the damn thing. So she really isn't out that much. Which Matador also finds funny.

I spent the night on the Matador's couch so after trouncing him at a few games of Scrabble I go to the hospital and check my locker to find Red's stethoscope. One problem solved. I then look through both nursing stations and both dictation rooms even checking drawers but to no avail. I am pissed but have hope that some one put it away somewhere and will return it soon. I luckily have a fairly rare brand of stethoscope.

So Monday night rolls around and I find my damn camera and am quite excited until I realize the big cosmic joke. It is like the pile ofc lost things only has so much room and if you lose enough shit some of that shit will be spit back into existence to maitain balance.

The happy ending is that last night while working I check the one drawer I hadn't checked and bingo, stethoscope.

But I am still kind of pissed although despite my rantings I am somewhat ahead being that the cazmera is both more expensive and more useful.

As Joe Walsh would say, I can't complain but sometimes I still do.

Last night rated Le-gen, on the Legendary scale. Real good time had by all. But I have been awake for 4 hours and all I have accomplished is getting my haircut, drinking 2 bottles of water, ate 1 1/2 pieces of Tuesday's pizza and bounced around blogland. So I will go do my laundry and take a shower and tehn try to post about last night before dinner.

PS- It is FUCKING RAINING out! Why must it only rain on my days off. I swear I have done something to piss God off.

In the last 24 hours I have

Driven in Traffic
Spent an hour arguing with my daughter
Ate pizza
Mmmmmmm.....Pizza
Ran 2.5 miles
Sweated
Panted
Showered
Went Drinking with my brother
Watched and listened to his friends play guitar
Some of them cute
Drank beer
Yes, me, beer
Watched Brother get drunk
Talked to a crazy person
Drank SoCo with flat Coke
Talked to a drunk guy in a Sox hat. Imagine that
Insulted someone from Colorade
Listened to him rant for 20 minutes
Watched same jackalope leave the bar with the prettiest girl there
Actually got in a cab in went home intead of to Betty's
Locked my keys in my apartment
Slept on Philarican's couch
Was late getting to the hospital for my Dad's Angiogram
Found out Dad is ok
Found out that Shaft is coming out with me later!
Foti is coming out with me later
Put on my Cubs Jersey because my ass is going to the Cubs game with Matador and some stuck up chick he is GaGa over but doesn't like him back.

If I were honest

If the world were honest I could post a personal ad like this


104 year old man seeks mid to late 20’s female who isn’t married, spit out a kid, engaged, whoring around or involved in more than 3 non-exclusive relationships. Not living with her parents, her ex-boyfriend or my ex-girlfriend. Is not obsessed with being thin but understands that drinking and watching Smallville are not sports. (Okay, I might give you that drinking thing but only if done outside the house. Otherwise it is just practice.) And does not qualify you as being athletic. I want a woman who can beat me at basketball, it’s not that hard trust me. And can challenge me at Scrabble. Chess is an option. Intelligence is a must. I used to think college was an option but if you are not smart enough to know that you need to go to college, see previous sentence. Me: My hobbies are Movies, running, Cubs baseball ( the rest of the league can suck my ass. Okay maybe I’ll go to a BoSox game), reading, playing Scrabble, drinking, and assorted naked debauchery. I prefer my movies to be dramas, and my life to be silly slapstick comedy. Not the other way around. Anyone who thought Epic Movie was funny need not apply.

Prefered but not required are women who like any of the following: giving oral sex, receiving oral sex, anal sex, spanking, rough play, dirty talk, biting, mild BDSM, and sex outside. As frequently as possible.

If there are any women who like everything in the second paragraph, the first paragraph is negotiable.

Friendship

Written on Sunday

Yesterday was a rough day. Friday I got loaded so I woke up on Saturday after only 3 hours of sleep with a pretty nasty hangover, which I was pretty upset by because I barely drank my average but I did it in a pretty short period of time. My hangover got progressively worse as the day went on and I continued to sober up. I didn't help that at 10:30am I was in a dentist’s office getting my teeth probed and x-rayed. I can handle torture but I prefer not to be hung over while it happens. After that I picked up monkey who had spent the previous night at a friend's house and then went to the mall. Because she is a 14 yo girl and it is required. I meet her at the mall and then eat at a place called Claim Jumper that I do not recommend. I ordered the salmon which was slathered in BBQ sauce. Who drenches salmon in BBQ sauce. I was expecting a thin layer but nooooooo! You couldn't even see the damn fish. So after about 60 seconds of bitching and moaning I just scraped all that shit off the salmon. What I should have done was asked them not to put it on in the first place. If I was suffering from shrunken brain syndrome I probably would have.

I then got to go to my parent's house to do what? Move furniture. Yep exactly what everyone wants to do when they are hung over, move furniture. Luckily it was just a coffee table. The one my mom had in the living room had a drawer in it which they managed to break, so she wanted to throw it out and bring an old one from up stairs. While Brother and I was searching the menagerie hoping not to be bitten by a goblin or killed by a troll, my mom decides that the table we are looking for is too big and she will buy a smaller one. Not that my parents have any money what so ever because neither are working right now. Reprieve I think, but then she says that she still wants us to throw out the old one. Where are you going to put things, on the floor? asks Brother. Sure says Mom. So Brother pull what is left of the drawer breaking it in pieces in the process. We carry the rest of the table out side and while on the porch Brother says I just want to throw this thing off the porch. Mmmmmm I think. And ask what the possible consequences are. Brother says it could hit that car. I look again and still think that the car is too far away, but anything is possible especially with my brother. I personally am worried about ending up with a shard of wood sticking out of my forehead. I figure the possible trajectories and agree. On the count of three. One. Two. Three. And down it goes and hits the ground and folds like a house of cards. Like it was designed to collapse. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk and it is done. Loudly. We both look back at the window and Brother says, where's Monkey? So we run down the stairs and pick up the pieces of the table as fast as we can and look up and sure enough Monkey is standing at the screen door looking out at us and our shit-eating grins. We quickly go to the alley and throw everything out. At least we got to have some fun.

But after this I am dead tired. But I have no food in the house. So we shop and get back to the apt about 5pm. Now Monkey hasn't slept since the day before because no one ever sleeps at a sleep over, and I am tired and still a bit hung-over so I make a motion that we nap. We vote and motion carried. I set my alarm for 6pm. At 8-8:30 I get out of bed and attempt to get Monkey up. I wouldn't of bothered her but she hadn't eaten since noon. No go. She wakes up momentarily and says something barely comprehensible and falls back asleep. Her most coherent sentence was "I really have no idea what is going on” I tell her to get in PJs and go to sleep. She actually manages to make it to the bathroom to take out her contacts but then passes out again almost instantly after hitting the pillow. I am still starving so I go on-line to order food. I resist the urge to order my Pie pizza which is my favorite but not in line with my goal of having a Miami body by the time I go to Miami. So I order Chinese, which sounds normal unless you know me.


I do not like Chinese food. It is not that I dislike it. I just don't like it. I mean I am willing to eat it and I don't avoid it, but I never seek it out. You have never heard me say let’s get Chinese Food. Just doesn't happen.

Until last night. I ordered from Friendship Restaurant on Milwaukee Avenue. I was extremely hungry, not eating since 1pm. So that may account for some of my response to the food but very little I think. I loved it. This was the first time I ever ate Chinese Food and went Wow! First the portions were huge. The Sake Garlic Chicken had two full boneless grilled chicken breasts that were extremely tender and juicy. No over cooked Wok food here. I didn’t quite like the Sake Garlic Sauce but the chicken tasted great. I also ordered the Mongolion Beef that wasn’t quite the standard beef and scallions but I was fine with that. It had onions, peppers, and baby corn. Possible one or two more veggies but I can’t remember. What I can remember is that the sauce was spicy but not crazy hot. And it had ginger in it which I usually don’t like but it had just enough that I didn’t realize it was ginger until I was hallf way through. The prices were a little steep, $11.95 an entrée but there was enough food that it was still a decent value. I am so going to have to go back. I and with Brother who is a Chinese food fanatic. So I will go with him and explore this restaurant further, but I definitely recommend it. I can’t believe I am excited about Chinese food.

HamNation: I Do Not Like To Hear Good News

A man walks into a bar

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the man.

As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologists told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile ?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence."

Stolen from Memphis Steve

Honest Blogger Quiz

I am posting this because tony asked me to.


1. which political party do you typically agree with? Republican

2. which political party do you typically vote for? Republican, when I vote

3. list the last six presidents that you voted for? H.W. Bush, wasn't old enough to vote for reagan. Have been unmotivated and uninspired since.

4. which party do you think is smarter about the economy? I think both parties have their own interests at heart and occasionally that benefits the general population. Sometimes it doesn't

5. which party do you think is smarter about domestic affairs? republicans

6. do you think we should keep our troops in Iraq or pull them out? pull them out, but how and when is a tricky situation

7. who, or what country, do you think is most responsible for 9/11? osama bin laden, the saudis.

8. do you think we will find weapons of mass destruction in iraq? no

9. yes or no, should the u.s. legalize marijuana? i'm torn but I lean toward no

10. do you think the republicans stole the last presidental election? Don't remember enough to give you an informed opinion and I am not taking the time to look it up.

11. do you think bill clinton should have been impeached because of what he did with monica lewinski? yes. In my personal life I heed the credo fo it is only against the rules if you get caught, but I do believe that people who take public office especially the presidency should be held to a higher standard.

12. do you think hillary clinton would make a good president? God, no.

13. name a current democrat who would make a great president: It is getting harder to find anyone in either party that would make a great president

14. name a current republican who would make a great president: see previous answer

15. do you think that women should have the right to have an abortion? yes

16. what religion are you? Christian.

17. have you read the Bible all the way through? Old testament yes. New testament, maybe not all the smaller books

18. what's your favorite book? Too hard to answer. Animal Farm by George Orwell. The Godfather by Mario Puzo (infinitely better than the movie) Maybe others

19. who is your favorite band? Too hard to answer

20. who do you think you'll vote for president in the next election? don't know yet

21. do you think President Bush and Vice President Cheeney should be impeached? no

22. do you think it was a coincidence that gasoline prices have nearly tripled and oil company profits have hit record highs while there was a US President whose family made its fortune through oil? no i dont think there was a coincidence.

23. do you think President Bush is the worst US President ever? and if not, who is? worst? Probably not. Bad for America? Probably. Who was the worst. I can't say. We've had some crappy ones.

24. do you think Iraq is going through a civil war? yes

25. now with all that the US has gone through, do you think it would have been better for the nation that George Bush had never been elected president? If I could predict the future or alternate presents I wouldn't have to work for a living.

I hate me.

Today it was combination of ADD and just plain stupidity. I am sitting, typing into my phone, at an intermittent standstill on I55. Trying to go 4 miles. There is no reason for me to be here. I worked last night at the hospital and slept in the call room because I was dead tired and I wanted to avoid traffic. I find that funny now. I oversleep. I have vague recollection of shutting off the alarm at noon. I wake up at 5p. Fuck. I decide to eat at Outback which is 6-7 miles from the hospital. I figure I can hang out at the bookstore after that until it is time to go to work. There is street that would taken me in a straight line and put me less than mile from the restaurant. But I thought hey outback is closer to the expressway and r miles on the streets is 1w-20 min but 4 miles on the expressway is 4 in. Except in rush hour with construction you dumbass! I have been on the expressway for 45 minutes and have gone about 2 miles. If this keeps up I am going to be late for work and I have never left Joliet or my car for that matter. Signpost up ahead 1 1/4 miles to my exit. Only 20 min more.

I made it off I55 almost exactly 1 hour after I got on. It took me about 1 hour 15 min to go 6 or 7 miles a 20 min trip tops. I had a good steak at Outback and talked for about an hour to a crazy but cute drunk woman who had to tell me all about her pets.

And I made it to work on time.

So much for consolation prizes.

My first 2-3 hours at work sucked ass, but I have no desire to tell that story.

What the hell

Didn't go out last night. Probably a good thing. Except for the fact that I was apparently abducted by aliens last night and had experiments conducted on my body all night. I was awakened by my doorbell being rung by the crazy polish plumbers, feeling like I had all my blood drained from my body, been run over by a steamroller, then my blood vessels re-infused with molasses then hit in the head and knocked out by a lead pipe.

What the hell?

And did I mention that I did NOT go out last night. If I am going to feel like shit I should at least have something to show for it. Like a hundred dollar bar tab or naked woman in my bed. A pineapple on the nightstand at least. That reminds me I need a night stand. Not that i have room for it. My bedroom is exactly 78 inches wide. My bed is 76 inches wide. Crazy, I know but once you have a king size bed you never want to give it up. Now I just need a mattress I like.

I like the sunshine. Maybe I should go out in it occasionally. If this run over by a truck feeling goes away I will probably go running with monkey later. Right now I should concentrate on taking a shower and eating some lunch.

Things accomplished today:

Finally made a fucking dentist appt.
Joined the National Scrabble Association- I know, I'm a dork. But I am dork who can beat you at Scrabble.

I hope this doesn't go south

The Caveman sent me a text a few hours ago and asked what I was doing I said nothing what's up. Don't know yet just getting started. I said let me know. I then went to dinner with my brother and the philarican. I had two margaritas. Only two. With my brother. That must be a record. I think that was the shortest, soberest and cheapest dinner we have ever been to together. I think partially because I was crazy hungover. Yes even at 8pm. My hangover didn't even start til about 4p. I think I was drunk until noon and had a positive alcohol level until at least 4.

Yes I was drinking shots last night. Lots of shots. All ordered by me. Multiple times. I don't know why I felt the need to pour that much alcohol into my system. I just couldn't get enough. Partially because I was at a dive bar I hate and Red was there. Never date anyone you work with. Whore.

Anyway. Caveman is on on the south side of Chicago and may come up north to drink with me. He says he is coming but he is liquored up so who knows. If and when he will show up is anybody's guess. But this guy can drink so it may be a bad night. The fact that he started a few hours ago makes it better or worse. He did give me a compliment by saying that if anyone can out drink him it is me. I don't if I should take that as a compliment. One of these days I will have to retire.

Contemplating showering. I will be pissed if I shower and get dressed and he doesn't show. I can't believe it is 11p already. I should be already buzzed or in bed. Both wouldn't have been bad.

Time to go.

There are 3 people in my apartment who speak little or no english.

2 of which are screaming at each other in polish in my bathroom. They are supposed to be remeding the fact that the hot water only trickles out of the shower, whereas the cold water shoots out with the force of a fire hose. Not making for a very nice showering experience. I must empty my bowels so I am going to find an alternative bathroom rather than go anywhere near the pipe wrench weilding polish man in my bathroom.

I just keep telling myself it can always be worse

About a month ago I moved from the basement to the second floor of the same building because the DAMN PLACE FLOODED! So I needed a new bed. So I bought one. King Size. In a rush. I don't know why I do shit like that in a hurry. Anyway the sales lady talked me into a firm mattress. I have never had a firm mattress, and I hear it is supposed to be good for your back. And in the 10 seconds I spent on each mattress it seemed like the best one. She said this is my favorite I lay on it all the time. and in fact she was when I walked in. It sucks!

It is like sleeping on the floor. I got a padded mattress topper. No help. I worked a lot and drank a lot the week I got the bed so I couldn't go back right away to complain. I thought I only had seven days to exchange mattresses. I came across the recent 2 days ago and I have 30 days. Which ends tomorrow. I went back to the mattress place and spent a good 2-5 minutes on each mattress and found that I like plush but not pillow top. Although i did find one pillow top that I like. So I have it down to 2 mattresses. I ask what the difference is in price between these and the one I bought. The price is listed but I know that they are on sale, and when I bought my bed I got about $400 off the price. She pulls my old receipt and looks at the bed and tells me there is a $500 difference for one and $800 difference for the other. But aren't they on sale I say. Yes but comfort exchanges are at list price. But I bought mine on sale. I have been by here before everything is ALWAYS on sale. She starts spouting something about company policy and how she can't change policy. I start walking toward the door before I start spouting something like I don't give a shit. I bought a $1500 bed, it should cost me $500 to get a $1600 bed. Fuckers. And they will charge me a $100 delivery charge. Super Fuckers. But I really hate my current bed. And the other problem is I don't get paid until Monday or Tuesday at which point I will have exceeded my 30 days. And I have somehow recently depleted all my savings on what I am not sure.

Part of me thinks she talks people into buying the slightly cheaper crappy mattress so they will return it and have to pay full price on the other mattress that would have cost just about the same if they just bought it in the first place. Just to get a higher commission. Fuckers. I am pissed a little. Can you tell. And when this happened it was 5pm and I haven't eaten all day. Which those who know me that any time I go more than 4 hours without eating it is a bad thing.

So while driving home I pass this bar called Lottie's. It is on a side street and I would have never of found it except by accident. Which I did. I pull over and decide to eat hoping that will help decrease the steam coming out of my ears. I helps a little. Especially because I can eat outside and all the waitstaff are hot women. All the female patrons are hot women. My day is getting slightly better.

I am sipping my diet coke, because I work tonight, and am waiting for my food when a very hot woman walks out of the bar to the patio and sits down. She is wearing a tight top and no bra and I am not offended.

She sits fairly far away and I am content with quick glimpse I received, until I hear her laughing then I look over and recognize her. She is a friend of Philarican. I thought I had posted about this girl before but looking back i somehow did not. I will call her Miranda. I keep looking and am pretty sure I am right. About 15-20 min later she is leaving and has to walk past my table to do it and I call out her name and I am correct. She looks at me and has no idea who I am. We were never close or ever hung out away from the Philarican but we met anywhere from 6-10 times. I say my name and that I am Philarican's friend and the light goes on. She asks who I am and asks about my daughter. I show her pictures. She is amazed at how old she is. She introduces me to the boyfriend, who is a complete dork but apparently some genius physicist or something per the Philarican. His sister is kinda cute. We part ways.

So not only do I have to shell out tons more money for a decent mattress that should only cost me $100 -200 more, but I dissed by a hot woman that I actually know. I expect the ones I don't know to give me shit but I was just kind of put off that she didn't remember me.

Now I have to go to work. See I told you it could get worse.

Truth in advertising

Stolen from It's Just a Blog

What is this world coming to?

I have been trying to write a post about the events of May 2 for a week and a half now. Mostly on my PDA. Those mini keyboards really do become a huge pain in the ass if you are typing more that a quick text message. I finally moved the file onto my computer and started working on it, in attempt to finally get it posted so I can start work on my post about May 9th which is legendary. Seriously. But the events of last night have suddenly become more interesting and much more funny.

Yesterday was Shaft's Co-Dependant Girlfriend's birthday. So he took her out to dinner and invited a bunch of friends. Including me. But of course my jackass shows up late but this time on purpose. I had been previously invited to a dinner lecture at the restaurant Tru. Look up Tru in Chicago. And if you have a recockulous amount of money to throw away, eat there. The food is Amazing. The service exceeds all expectations. And I got to eat there for free. I didn't even have to pay for Valet parking. I would go through the whole menu and experience but I really do want to make this a short post. Short for me anyway.

Fast forward to 9:45pm last night. I am leaving Tru and heading to Buona Terra for the birthday party and my second dinner of the night. I am approx. 7-8 drinks in to the evening. I find them in the restaurant and luckily CDGF is sitting with her back to me and I able to sneak up behind her and kiss her on the cheek and wish her Happy Birthday. Unfortunately my unprepared ass doesn't have a present or even a card with me.

There are approx 7 people at the table. Clockwise from the head, CDGF, a frat bro of Shaft's, his wife, Shaft, Monica , a hot polish girl at the other end of the table with a cute accent who came with, Horse Cock who is a friend of David's who I have met a couple of times, another Frat bro, A girl who came with, yet another frat bro. I have met these guys once or twice but never remember their names.

I end up sitting between Shaft and Polish Girl. Sweet. I order. Everyone else has ordered but has not received their food. I order a drink. Imagine that. The food comes shortly followed by mine. I am impressed by the speed. And the salmon wasn't bad either. Would definitely go back. Shaft and CDGF come here all the time.

I will have to diverge from the story a little bit to explain Horse Cock. No I have never seen it. HC is a friend of Shaft's and Rico's from high school or possibly shortly after that. He is not butt ugly but he is not really an attractive guy kind of greasy and according to the boys treats women like shit but gets some of the hottest women. Which they could never understand. So they surmised that he must have a cock like a horse. And the name stuck. I don't think HC himself even knows the exeistence of the name but because I like to protect the anonymity of the idiots in blog, Horse Cock it is.

HC, Shaft and I are talking about Miami, other stories and other comments that probably shouldn't be said in mixed company. And we are having a blast. Every 60 seconds or so our end of the table erupts in laughter. CDGF says what kind of party is going on at that end. We are just toasting to you and how beautiful you are. She smiles. She knows bullshit when she hears it. A few minutes later we erupt in laughter again and she says are you having your own party down there? Can I join? I say absolutely come and sit on my lap. She says Really? Just what I wanted for my birthday. WE finish eating have a couple more drinks, birthday cake and another drink. And I ask my ever present question. Adonde proximo? Where next?

Where next is Clybar. Cool place. Relatively empty. Two girls sitting further down the bar. I have too many drinks in me to sound intelligent to strangers so I don't even try. Instead, I order more drinks. Including shots. We all then telling stories. Mine apparently all too long for CDGF who frequently tells me to stay on track and finish the damn story. Which I eventually do. Shaft tells a couple of stories. Horse cock tells a few stories. If there was anyone left in the bar they would have though we were either crazy or hilarious. Or both. We were loud and laughing continuously. Horse cock told a couple of stories about Shaft then told us that he is dating a 21 year old girl whose birthday was the day before and he gave her a Movado watch. To which she says Oh thank you and he gets a little kiss on the cheek. For a Movado watch! Later she is on the phone with her friend and says yeah he gave me a watch. Horse Cock says "I am returning that. How can you not appreciate that. For some people that is there dream watch." Hell when I was 21 that WAS my dream watch. I got one from the Ex as a wedding present. I still have it.

For those of you who don't care about watches HC probably dropped about $600-$1000 on that watch.

Back to the story. The whole time we are telling stories Polish Girl is sitting there smiling politely. I got the impression as the night wore on that her English vocabulary is not as broad as I initially assumed. Btu every time he turns to talk to her she seems happy and is content to sit there and listen and smile. At one point I was going to go over and talk to her to keep her involved but who am I to cock block. Even though this is a first date and as Horse Cock was walking into the restaurant Shaft saw Horse Cock lean over and say what is your name again? Classic.

So we eventually leave. HC with his girl in his Porsche. 911. Carrera. Convertible. I tell him he is a cock for owning my dream car, and he tells me I can borrow it when he is out of town. I love him.

I go to Betty's to see Z, a bartender I have a crush on who recently broke up with her boyfriend and got back together with him. She pours me a drink and proceeds to tell this long drama filled story. I loose my desire to stay, and leave 2/3 of my drink on the bar. You know you are drunk when you are willing to leave a man behind.

I get home. I wake up today with my alarm at 8am for the love of god Why. It takes me 1/2 hour to get the strength to get up and shut it off. I mainly get up because I need water. Lots of water. I get up pull a bottle of water out of the fridge adn walk towards the living room and my suit from the night before is strew around the apartment. Pants in the living room. Shirt in the middle of the dining room and the jacket in the far corner. On the floor. In my defense it looks like I may hay tried to lay it on another object before it hit the floor. You know you had to much drink when your clothes from last night are thrown everywhere and you weren't trying to get them off to have sex. I can understand the line of clothes from the front door to the bedroom. But all over willy nilly. That is kind of funny but I would have been happier if there were female clothes accompany them.

Anyway I call call Horse Cock today because he may have Cubs Sox tickets for tomorrow. He calls back. He says do you remember that girl from last night? I say yeah. He then tells me the punch line. I will make you sit through the whole story. He drive her back to his building where her car is. Her car is in his parking space in the building because there is no good street parking. They get back and he asks her to move her car. She apparently wanted to stay with this jerk who ignored her all night and spent half the night talking about other women because she says "are you kicking me out?" "I am not kicking you out but you can't stay." "I am tired, I'm drunk, I don't feel good and I have to work in the morning." They get out of the car she is standing on the passenger side and looks him right in the eye, takes her key and runs it down the entire passenger side. From the door all the way to the back of the car. She keyed his car! She keyed his Porsche! His dream car. My dream car. My response was She got pissed because you didn't fuck her? Usually they get pissed because you do.

He calls the police and has her arrested. She apparently got out at 8am this morning. He is bragging about Traveler's insurance though. He called today and there was an adjuster at his house in an hour and then then gave him the name of the place to get it fixed and wired them a check immediately. Wow.

Poor Porsche though.

!

I signed on to write a post about how my life is the exact same as 1 year ago but the truth is that it is I that am the same. And I think I am ready to change. Improve myself. Evolve.

But first I must do things like stop procrastinating, and stop being easily distracted. Like going back to look at last year's posts from may, only to be distracted and start looking at april also. Then moving a March post from my old blog to this one. It's a doozy, you should check it out.

Anyway although there are plenty of comparisons about how my life is the same now I have chosen not to list them. Instead you will get a dose of ADD. I am not hoping for much.

I am pretty tired right now. Worked for 9 hours. Worked out. Woo Hoo! Then drove back in to the City and had dinner with The Philarican at her place. Ordered out. I had baked chicken and grilled vegtables. Good for me yes? But then I at 1/2 a twice baked potato. And a roll. And was still hungry. Still am hungry.

We watched the Prestige on DVD. It is GOOOOOD! Really pretty impressive on so many levels. None of which I will get into right now.

I need to get out of the house more. Change my paradigm. At least change my clothes.

Running out of steam here. Need to find an idea that will keep me from going to bed.

Nope, nothing.

Gonna look at porn and go to bed.

Update

I had a good time last night. I was going to post about it but it will take too long post about it now so you will have to wait. For right now I need to get out of my living room and get my ass to the ballgame. Yes ball game. Woo Hoo! To those of you not from Chicago or those of you with the misfortumne of growing up on the wrong side of town there is only one ballgame in Chicago and that happens be at Wrigley field, The Greatest Place on Earth. I know have told a lady or few that my bedroom is the Greatest Place on Earth, but the truth comes out. It is Wrigley Field.

And speaking of truth. I have been making a half ass attempt at losing weight and getting in shape for my trip to Miami in july. I have been doing slightly better at the working out and running part but I eat like a pig and drink like a fish. But I finally found my motivation other than having a Miami body when I go to MIami.

Approx 3 - 3 1/2 years ago a pretty young thing (The original Red Headed Slut) bought me a Cubs Jersey. Becasue I am a Cubs nut and she loves me. It's a large and hung on me perfect meaning a little loose but not big. Not so much anymore. It doesn't feel tight but there is a way too noticeable bulge around my midsection. Way too noticeable. Jearseys aren't supposed to look like that the are supposed to hang straight down. And what really pisses me off is I think I way just a few pounds more now than then I just have no muscle mass and it is all fat and all in my belly.

So this is it we are hard core. In one month I want to fit into my jersey and by July 26 I want to be down to at least 175. Miami is going to be legendary.

But first off to the Game.

Damn, You should post more

I can''t believe I haven't posted in over 2 weeks. I also can't believe I haven't moved all my shit out of the basement yet. I did throw out all the wet shit though so there was some accomplishment. There have been a couple good stories since my last post. I went out and got super drunk with Brother. Actually he got super drunk, but I don't knew if I am allowed to tell that one. It's a goodun. I went drinking with Matador last Friday and had a good time. We didn't meet anyone new or find anyone to join the world Drinking Tour but I did find out that sexy Italian Bartender (SIB) was no longer with her boyfriend. That could be good news for me. or maybe not. I may be too far into the friend category to ever dig my self out, but it might be worth trying. She is going to come with us to see Hottie next Wednesday at Betta's for Pretty Wednesdays it is $40 for a 15 min massage, a manicure and 3 hours of all you can drink martini's. That part alone is worth $40. Hottie used to work with SIB a few years ago.

I also met a girl on Monday. After work Aborama and I went out for a few Drinks and The Matador and some friends were supposed to meet us out. WE were there about 10 min when Matador comes strolling in wearing a Cowboy hat that isn't his but seems to work quite well. He is LO-ded. Big time. He goes to the bathroom and then the rest of the posse roll in, including Aborama's ex-boyfriend, The Gay Asshole. That isn't predudice, just both of those descriptors are true and because we all know people who fit one or the other using both narrows it down a little. Apparently Aborama was the only one who couldn't figure out he was gay. Except for him, he doesn't admit it either. Also rolling in are Party Girl, Muscles, and the Caveman- yes he really looks like a cave man. A few minutes later Matador is talking to two attractive women because they were silly enough to ask him for a smoke. I can hear Matador struggling to talk slow and enunciate all his words in a poorly veiled attempt not to sound shit faced drunk. Luckily the girls were fairly intoxicated themselves. Especially the blond one who was very cute. I was sober at this point so I know she was cute but looked very young. I just kept thinking "don't be underage, don't be underage" Turns out she is 26, has a four year old son, ouch, and is "getting" divorced, double ouch. I know red flags run like hell. I said what do you mean getting divorced. We are at the end stages. I have heard that before. So I am looking at this realistically but of course got her number anyway. forgive me I am in the middle of a 35 day drought, cut me some slack. I called and left a message today but haven't heard anything yet. The dreaded first phone call.

Any way tonight I am sitting here avoiding getting more shit out of the basement, so I think I will sign off and go get a couple drinks. :)

Have fun kiddies.

Ya gotta be kidding me

I would ask if my life could be any worse but I know better. There is no limit to how bad things can get. If anything can go wrong, it will. I am the Murphy's Law poster child.

In the last two weeks I have broken up with my girlfriend, had my dad go in for emergency surgery, and now my apt flooded. So today I will be spending my day throwing water logged shit in to the alley and draging my belongings up to the second floor where I will now be staying. For $250 more a month. Not horrible but I so need teh money to buy a place. I have know the benifits of owning over renting forever but have never gotten up off my ass and done it. I am now in panic mode. I just can't stand it anymore.

Wish me luck. Today should be a complete fiasco. And I can't even get drunk after because Monkey is with me this weekend. I am sure this how she wanted to spend her day.

48 hours of Hell-o-matic

48 hours. Seems like a week! 48 hours ago I was at work, after working a night shift the night before and getting only 4 hours of sleep. Easter. Yeah, Hoppy Easter to you too. Why people go to the ER on a holiday I will never know. Actually about half of the people I saw needed to be there which is a higher percentage than usual. Who brings their kids to an ER for a runny nose on Easter? Hell who brings their kids to an ER for a runny nose? Everyone, apparently. Trust me I see more coughs and runny noses than almost anything else. What really kicked my ass on Sunday was the lacerations. I actually enjoy suturing but it is crazy time consuming. Especially the cosmetic stuff. I put 30 stitches into a kid who got bit by his St. Bernard. He somehow thought it was a good idea to try and play with the dog while he was fighting with his other dog over food. The two things you never do are approach a dog while it is eating or fighting. Why no one saw the combination as a disaster waiting to happen is beyond me.

So I work. And finish working. The plan was then to go see Bartender Megs and meet Matador and Ab-o-rama at the local dive. And drink diet coke. Yes you heard me right. The plan was diet coke. Some one remind to stick with the plan next time. Please.

I order a SoCo and diet. (Bachelor Party in Miami in July, gotta bring my A game) It tastes like ass. Why does bar diet always taste like ass. And not good ass either. Drink #2 is SoCo and coke. Also tastes like ass. Apparently the CO2 cylinder needs to be changed or something and Megs is too lazy to do this. Which she admits happily. Some where around drink #5 she get her boyfriend Musclebound Joe to change the cylinder. For which I thank him heartily. I then procede to invite him on the Miami leg of the World Drinking tour. Why I am telling this engaged man about all the beautiful women in Miami in front of his fiancee (she was too far to hear. I think)I have no idea. Matador and I had already invited Megs and Musclebound Joe to Pamplona Spain. We are going July 2008, the trains a loading, all aboard. So I talk to Musclebound Joe, I drink, I talk to Matador, I drink, I talk to Ab-o-rama, I drink, I talk to Juggs (guess why she gets that name? They are purchased and she feels the need to tell everyone that as soon as she meets them), I drink. This is where things really go south. She starts talking about Red. I talked about the breakup a little last post but to recap. I dumped her because she was acting shady. Avoiding me. Going to the bar when she said she was going home. Shit like that. I thought she might be cheating but I had no definite proof and I didn't really want to know. The problem is we hang around with all the same people so as soon as we broke up all this information. I had already heard that Red slept with Shithead at Juggs party. While I was in London.

So anyway, I am talking to Juggs and she says "Can I ask you a question?" And I know the correct answer to this is NO! because it is always something you don't want to hear. I consider this breifly and then say "sure". "When you slept with Red did you always use a condom?" Not what I really wanted to hear. One of the reasons I was drinking like an idiot was that I had seen red out a couple times last week because of Ab-o-rama's weeklong B-day celebration. Now the downward spiral begins. I have a couple more drinks. Megs calls last call and pours me a drink without asking. Which is what I would want her to do. Then we go to Matador and Ab-o-rama's place, which is right across the street from work. They are roommates, not a couple. We pour drinks and I start talking to Aborama about Red. They are friends and hang out a lot. This is a mistake. She starts telling me things I don't want to know. I say don't cook me food I am go to sleep at the hospital, and walk into the bathroom. When I get out I lay down on the couch and Aborama says are you leaving or staying. I say staying. So she opens up something different and cooks me some delish chinese food. At least I think it was Chinese. ish.
Matador gets a call from possibly future baby's momma. Abs and I go into Matador's room to watch How I met your Mother on DVD. Rent, no, buy this and watch it. It is the most addicting comedy on TV right now. We are watching this laughing and I am trying hard not to talk about Red. But there is a subplot in the show about this guy who is love with one of his female friends but can't have her. I can't take this and I leave. I am such a Ted.

I go to the hospital to sleep. It is not until I get there that I realise (British spelling I know. I am also really fond of behaviour) it is 3:30am and I have to start work at 7. I call down to the secretary, who is an idiot, and ask him to call me in the call room at 6:30. I give him the extension. Which he repeats back to me, wrong. I give it to him again and this time he repeats correctly. But never calls me. I sleep through the alarm until 8:20. So I get down stairs and change into scrubs and am in the ER by 8:30. To find out I am working with my boss. Oh, Joy. He says nothing but I know he is pissed. Luckily it wasn't to busy, so he wasn't getting killed, but still an hour an half by your self ehn you are supposed to have help kind of sucks. The first couple of hours kind of suck. I am a little hung over but crazy tired. I haven't mentioned it. My dad is in the hospital after emergency surgery last Wed. He is doing better. I call him from work and he sounds great. He talks more than I heard him say in 3 days. Unfortunately I am at work and wanted to get him off the phone. I talk to my mom and make plans to pick her up and take her to the hospital after work. I get off an hour late. Traffic sucks. I don't get to the hospital until 7p. My dad is dissappointed because he wanted me to see him walk. Which is big because he couldn't even get out of bed for the first three days. He did make iti to the bathroom while I was there in case you care. How I met your mother was on TV while I was there so that was cool.

On my way from work to the hospital I kept doing the "I'm not sleeping" head jerk and tried desperately not to hit the car in front of me or drift into the next lane. Even when I first got there I was pretty sleepy but after talking and watching TV 8:45 rolls around and I am suddenly wide awake. Working nights has so fucked me up that even when I don't work nights 9pm shows up and BAM! I'm ready to go.

Earlier in the evening Hottie sent me a text message that she was at work to night. So I sent Matador a text saying Hottie is at Bella's. Where are you sexypants Yes I called another man sexypants. It came to me in the moment. Don't tell anyone. I am not going to. So a half hour goes by and I think of calling him when I remember that he is at work. I consider shaving and getting ready to go out but my plans for the year include Hawaii, Miami, and buying a condo. Which means saving money. Which means not drinking. Which means I need a new hobby. Anyway I figure Matador won't get off till 11:30 and he won't want to come in to the City.

I was wrong. 11:43 the messages start. u r just mean. that's what friends are for R U at Bellas now. No, can't fly without my wingman What time do you work tomorrow? Wednesday See you in 40. Suit up.

I did. Not in a suit but I was looking sexy. I was going to have a drink a home but pre-medicating, even going out so late, just means I would get even more loaded and spend even more money. Matador shows up and we bee-line it to Bella's. We end up parking 2 1/2 blocks away but we figure that is just more sobering up time before we get back into the car. Taking a cab was out because it was 1am and the allotted time was dwindling. That and it was fucking cold out.

We get into Bella's to see Hottie's smiling face. She was only one of two women in the entire bar. Which was fine because talking with Heather is one of my favorite pastimes. We laugh, we joke, we drink. Hottie had given us 2 strong drinks and a shot, and we noticed that the bar back was covering the alcohol and Heather was pouring a shot for the entire bar. Our drinks were empty so I asked if we missed call. She said honey, last call was before you even walked in the door. I smiled and said then I guess we did ok. We looked at our tab which was $8 for 4 drinks and 2 shots. I guess we did more than ok. The barback grabs our glasses presumably to wash them when he says what were you drinking again? Sweet. We drink the second round of complimentary shots, as he puts our refreshed drinks on the bar. 4 shots 6 drinks 8 dollars. We tip 12.

Then we go next door. We invited Heather who said she would show after closing up. She tells us that Batman is bartending next door and if we say we are with Heather we will get hooked up. We enter the pub and there is no bartender. We wait we look around. There is a drunk guy in a cubs shirt havering to a woman at one end of the bar and two girls at the other end, one of which is making out with a guy too short to get a girl that cute. Another minute goes by and a guy walks behind the bar. Makeout guy. "Are you Batman?" We ask in unison. He looks at us crossed eyed and says yes. We explain the Heather Connection and we get drinks. We joke around with him for a whiel then he goes back to girlfriend/girl he picked up today, were not sure which.

Heather shows. Brings a guy friend who is restaurant manager at the W. He is forgiven for having a cock. We drink, we joke we do shots. Bartender disappears. Also missing is makeout chick. For several minutes. Then Cubs shirt goes looking for him. Makeout chick's friend cuts him off before he can make it to the back room. Cubs shirt calls out his name but sits down. Matt remarks how the friend is a good wingman and wants to go talk to her. Hottie says don't do it. She was just protecting her friend don't go talk to her. Matador thanks Hottie for being a good wing man. Batman shows up a few minutes later. The conversation about wing men leads to Hottie agreeing to be our wing man on further adventures. Excellent. We get our bill, we ordered a total of 7 drinks and 5 shots. Bill: $24. Hottie connection: Priceless. We tip $20 and call it a day. We hope he remembers us. If not we just have to say remember the time you banged that chick in the back room while working?

And of course no stop on the World Drinking Tour would be complete without stupid pictures.

D-Day part one

Why I always start writing at the worst possible times I will never know. Like when I know I am going to be late for something or at 4am when I have to be up by 7. Like now.

Anyway my last post as it turns out to be the first stop on the Matt & Dave World Drinking Tour. The second stop unfortunately was Joliet, IL. But the next few stops, London, Manchester, and Oxford, England were much more interesting. I took about 450 pictures so you will get to see some highlights. Including pretty decent pics of Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds. But unfortunately you won’t see them now. The reason for this is that another one of my bad habits is that I take inordinate amounts of time trying to post about stuff I should of posted about 3 weeks ago and ignore the here and now. The here and now may not be quite as interesting but it is the here and now.

I was going to leave this to the end, but I dumped Red. Speaking of not posting, Red dumped me in November, because her mom thought I am too old (I am). Then we started dating again slowly. It started out as hanging out together, then sleeping together when drunk, then sleeping together while sober, then she started telling me she loved me again. Everyday while I was in London. Then she started pulling away again. As soon as I got back she so happy to see me. For two days. Then she was always busy. And always going out drinking without me. Which is the same thing she did to the last guy. The last straw was last Sunday when I was off during the day but had to work at night. I woke up uncharacteristically at about 12:30pm called and left a message. She did call, I just hung around the house. It had been rainy and cloudy the day before so I had no interest in going out side and I can’t see out of my apartment unless I make an effort. I did not. So I leave for work at 8 pm and it is gorgeous out. It was warmer outside than in my apartment. At least 70 degrees. So I go to work. I leave her a message. She calls me back. At 2am. She’s sorry she did call because she woke up at 2pm and was late for a cookout. A cookout hosted by someone I hang out with. Not quite a friend. A bartender at a place near work but I hang out with outside of there too. We were watching NCAA basket ball 2 days before. All the people there where people I knew. Not once did she think to call me? Recockulous. But that was it. The line in the sand. Crossed. But I have been known to be a gentleman, and we work together, and I wasn’t going to break up with someone over the phone. So before I went to bed on Monday morning I called and left a message saying I wanted to talk. Then when I woke up I called again and she said she could meet me before she started work at 3pm. But she took to long and I had to go see Monkey. I told her I needed to see her after work. It’s a date. I see Monkey. I go home. I take a nap. Matt calls or texts, I don’t remember, at about 7:30p. He wants to go drinking I want dinner. He is at dinner and in Joliet. I say I have to go out there anyway to meet Red but I will need a drink after so I’m in. At 9pm he wants to know where I am. I haven’t left the house because I am a semi-pro procrastinator. (It doesn’t pay well). I go eat at a bar down the street. It kills me not to order a drink. I get back to the house at 10:30p. I call Red to let her know I am on the way. She gets off at 11:30. She says it is super busy and doesn’t know when she will get off. Don’t come now. See me tomorrow morning at Mom’s we can spend the whole day together. Wait what? I have been saying it is important we need to talk it won’t take more than a few minutes but see doesn’t get the hint. What makes her think there is going to be an all day?

Sooooo, I text Matt. Red is schizophrenic. Let’s go drinking. $2.50 Miller Lite and 25 cent wings at a place by my house. In the City? No by my other house. Yes in the City. He calls we talk. He comes into the City. The Matt & Dave World Drinking Tour resumes.

We have a couple drinks at the house then walk down to innjoy. Where they have no SoCo. No SoCo. At all. And they call themselves civilized! So we have one beer and get the fuck out of Dodge. We walk the down the street to EasyBar. That name is so good in so many ways. It’s a cool bar with laid back bartenders. The scenery is nice, we sit down at the bar and order. The bartender then proceeds to somehow suspend the law of physics by pouring a half a bottle of soco into a rocks glass and still left room for a splash of coke. We talk we drink we look at the women. Including the two hot ones sitting next to us. Which we soon talk to. They’re drunk and we’re on our way. Mercedes is a meeting planner and Angelina, well I don’t think I ever found out exactly what Angelina does but I know she has done at least commercial voice over. I am sure she has done some modeling because she is gorgeous. We call her Angelina because Matt thinks she looks like Angelina Jolie. Not a twin but definitely some resemblance. We talk to them but make the mistake of talking to Mercedes more than Angelina. Enter Gus. Gus is a six-foot five 275lb black man who is a friend of Mercedes but took no time becoming friendly with Angelina. Last Call is sounded and we order. Of course. But I also take the opportunity to ask Mercedes, Where next? Oh it should be home but I guess it is going to be The Continental. The Continental where’s that. Chicago and California. Chicago and California? Is there anything at Chicago and California. There is now. And off we went Matt and I in a cab and Mercedes, Angelina and Gus in In Mercedes’ car.

The Continental turns out to be a very cool bar for people with more than 5 tatoos. Matador was in heaven. As soon as we walked in I said this is your kind of place. “This is my kind of place.” “I know”. We order a drink, we enjoy the music, we look around. We drink some more, we listen to more music, we talk. Still No Mercedes or Angelina. We figure we’d been had but at least the bar wasn’t far and was pretty cool. Then Just as we had written them off, Mercedes walks in. Where’s Angelina? In the car. With Gus. Making out. Nice. Time for another drink. Mercedes is cool. We talk. Angelina and Gus show up. Angelina is drunk and she knows it and says out loud that if she has one more drink she will end up going home with Gus. So she has another drink. Then goes home with Gus. We close out The Continental and Mercedes offers us a ride so we are following her and Matt says Oh is this your car? Pointing at a Mercedes Benz. One second later she presses a button and the doors open and lights go on. And you thought Mercedes was her real name. So we get a ride home in a really nice Mercedes. Is there any other kind. She pulls up in front of the house and I say would you like to come in for a night cap. I turn to Matt and say I have always wanted to say that. And she says yes. There really are things out there that can still surprise me.

Nothing really happened, we each had one drink. We talked to 6am. We did get her number though. So I didn’t get laid or get to make out. But this woman was in my apartment at 6am.

Some Wednesdays Aren't That Bad

Last Wednesday my friend The Matador had plans to go out. I had worked the night before and slept at the hospital to avoid morning rush hour. The plan was to wake up at 11am and go home to clean my damn house before Matador came over. No such luck. I woke up around 2p when Matador called to see if I was still for going out. I was. I always am. I have determined that I have the world’s most twistable arm.

It all worked out for Matador because now he had a ride in from Joliet, IL. After a quick shower and shave at the hospital, and a beer at Mat’s house we were on our way. Matador insisted we stop at Dunkin Donuts for the required coffee and donuts. Our bill came to $6.66. Quite the omen for the evening.

We made it to my place uneventfully, which was good because later we found out that we had missed an accident on the Expressway by mere minutes. It was Pizza and Drinks at my place before heading out to Bella’s, where we were greeted by my friend, and sexy bartender who we will call Hottie.



Hottie, as always, was pouring wickedly strong drinks, and instructed the other bartender to do the same. Which he did in spades. Bella’s is usually teeming with scantily clad women, but apparently the fact that it was 2 degrees outside deterred them from enjoying our company, because it was an absolute sausage fest. Aside from the beautiful heather, there was only one other woman who was tucked off into the corner with her boyfriend. A little later two semi-attractive women came in for a drink. A drink. Literally. Only one, and then they left. How goes out for only A Drink? In the cold no less. Another mystery of the universe. Luckily for us another pair of women entered and sat down across from us. One of which bummed a cigarette from Matador. A few minutes later I think I was talking to Hottie and then looked back at Matador to discover that he was on the other side of the bar engaging in conversation with his new friends. I gave him the obligatory two minutes and then approached asking “Is this guy causing trouble?” They instantly jumped to his defense. Wow, that didn’t take long. He was over there 3 minutes and they already adopted him as one of there own. After a quick trip to the facilities (yes I washed my hands after) I returned and built up a rapport with one of the women. Who we will call work out chick because she refused to take her hair down because she had just come from the gym. We’ll call the blond girl Doppleganger because she looks like a girl Matador and I work with. A little taller and a little cuter but pretty close.




Needless to say we charmed them. Not out of their pants but that’s okay I like a little build up to the main event. We acquired their numbers, despite the fact that doppelganger has a boyfriend. Who Workout girl doesn’t seem to like much. And Doppelganger may not like too much either if she is handing out her number.

At about midnight I blinked and Doppleganger had her coat and gloves on saying let’s go. What are you going to turn into a pumpkin? But they left. Which didn’t stop Matador and I from continuing to drink. And engage other people in the bar. A couple from Iowa of all places had made the mistake of sitting down next to us . The girl was cute and I was drunk so I spent a good 30-60 minutes talking to them.


After they left, I somehow thought it was a good idea to go to another bar. I was apparently not convinced I was drunk, but after just one drink at bar #2 I was convinced. So we left, but not before Matt went up to one the girls in the bar and said “Yours vewy bootisfuss” Or some other very slurred version of you’re very beautiful. Score one for the Matador

Then we got pizza. Because what drunken adventure is complete without going out for food with a fat and grease content that is not truly measurable during daylight hours.

Can anything go right?

I am pissed off again because I ordered a DVD storage cabinet and was very happy about this purchase and have waited 8 days for it to arrive. It's here. Most of it anyway. The box was a bit mangled when I got it, but I opened it up and every thing seemed to be unscathed. Even the glass for the doors was intact. I started putting it together right away because we all like to play with our new toys. Step 1 went fabulously. Step 2 however, not so much. Step 2 involves putting hinges on the doors. And that would be all fine and dandy if I had all 4 hinges. But no, again fate has conspired against me and there was only 1 hinge in the package. Nice. So now I have to wait until they respond to my email to see if they can send me more hinges. If they try to get me to send back the whole thing I will scream. The box is unuseable and I am not paying to send this thing back.

This is what it would look like if I could put it together.

Written two days ago posted now

I am tired and depressed. IT is 1:39am and I am typing here for no apparent reason other than I feel this urge to stay up as long as possible to make my self late for work in the morning. To make me feel worse and do less. I really want to turn my life around but it is harder than one may expect. I want to find my list of goals for 2006 to see if I accomplished them.

I found the list from 2006. The goals in bold are the ones I actually accomplished.

Post almost daily (At least I am realistic)
Post before reading other blogs (an activity that somehow sucks up at least 2 hours of my day)
Manage my money better (this involves 2 things)
Pay attention to where my money goes
Stop spending money on stupid things i.e.-$6+ drinks and fast food
Put money away towards a house/condo/permanent residence –a little anyway
Spend less on rent
Take at least one vacation –Hawaii, and Vegas
Take one road trip –New York to see Whatsername
Go to at least 2 major league baseball stadiums that I have not previously seen
Organize
Everything
Keep it organized
Buy a file cabinet –a small one but a file cabinet none the less
Study spanish at least once a week
Speak in Spanish to a native speaker for 1 hour once a week
Get my teeth fixed
Exercise 3 times a week
Run the Shamrock Shuffle
Run at least 3 5k races
Make it to Hawaii for That Drunk Girl's Birthday (Didn’t make it for the birthday)
Make love to someone I actually care about –She dumped me a month ago. Woo Hoo ain't life grand
Copy my posts (or type them somewhere else first) before damning them to the internet

Seven out of twenty three. Not even one-third. Better luck next year. I will add the unaccomplished ones to this years list to see if I leave them unaccomplished two years in a row.

Here are some goals for 2007:

Lose 40lbs of fat.
Gain 10lbs. of muscle.
Travel to 1 foreign country (already planned-London)
Make it to Hawaii for Amen’s birthday
Do things on time.
Be on time for work every day

Buy a house
Find if not buy an investment property

Start a side business.
Fix my teeth.
Go to the Dr.
Treat my depression, hairloss and bladder problem
Be organized.
Buy David and Jen something nice for their wedding.
Be more involved with Becca

Will still try to accomplish these:

Post almost daily (At least I am realistic)
Post before reading other blogs (an activity that somehow sucks up at least 2 hours of my day)
Manage my money better (this involves 2 things)
Pay attention to where my money goes
Stop spending money on stupid things i.e.-$6+ drinks and fast food
Go to at least 2 major league baseball stadiums that I have not previously seen
Study spanish at least once a week
Speak in Spanish to a native speaker for 1 hour once a week
Get my teeth fixed
Exercise 3 times a week
Run the Shamrock Shuffle
Run at least 3 5k races