Friday, May 18, 2007

What is this world coming to?

I have been trying to write a post about the events of May 2 for a week and a half now. Mostly on my PDA. Those mini keyboards really do become a huge pain in the ass if you are typing more that a quick text message. I finally moved the file onto my computer and started working on it, in attempt to finally get it posted so I can start work on my post about May 9th which is legendary. Seriously. But the events of last night have suddenly become more interesting and much more funny.

Yesterday was Shaft's Co-Dependant Girlfriend's birthday. So he took her out to dinner and invited a bunch of friends. Including me. But of course my jackass shows up late but this time on purpose. I had been previously invited to a dinner lecture at the restaurant Tru. Look up Tru in Chicago. And if you have a recockulous amount of money to throw away, eat there. The food is Amazing. The service exceeds all expectations. And I got to eat there for free. I didn't even have to pay for Valet parking. I would go through the whole menu and experience but I really do want to make this a short post. Short for me anyway.

Fast forward to 9:45pm last night. I am leaving Tru and heading to Buona Terra for the birthday party and my second dinner of the night. I am approx. 7-8 drinks in to the evening. I find them in the restaurant and luckily CDGF is sitting with her back to me and I able to sneak up behind her and kiss her on the cheek and wish her Happy Birthday. Unfortunately my unprepared ass doesn't have a present or even a card with me.

There are approx 7 people at the table. Clockwise from the head, CDGF, a frat bro of Shaft's, his wife, Shaft, Monica , a hot polish girl at the other end of the table with a cute accent who came with, Horse Cock who is a friend of David's who I have met a couple of times, another Frat bro, A girl who came with, yet another frat bro. I have met these guys once or twice but never remember their names.

I end up sitting between Shaft and Polish Girl. Sweet. I order. Everyone else has ordered but has not received their food. I order a drink. Imagine that. The food comes shortly followed by mine. I am impressed by the speed. And the salmon wasn't bad either. Would definitely go back. Shaft and CDGF come here all the time.

I will have to diverge from the story a little bit to explain Horse Cock. No I have never seen it. HC is a friend of Shaft's and Rico's from high school or possibly shortly after that. He is not butt ugly but he is not really an attractive guy kind of greasy and according to the boys treats women like shit but gets some of the hottest women. Which they could never understand. So they surmised that he must have a cock like a horse. And the name stuck. I don't think HC himself even knows the exeistence of the name but because I like to protect the anonymity of the idiots in blog, Horse Cock it is.

HC, Shaft and I are talking about Miami, other stories and other comments that probably shouldn't be said in mixed company. And we are having a blast. Every 60 seconds or so our end of the table erupts in laughter. CDGF says what kind of party is going on at that end. We are just toasting to you and how beautiful you are. She smiles. She knows bullshit when she hears it. A few minutes later we erupt in laughter again and she says are you having your own party down there? Can I join? I say absolutely come and sit on my lap. She says Really? Just what I wanted for my birthday. WE finish eating have a couple more drinks, birthday cake and another drink. And I ask my ever present question. Adonde proximo? Where next?

Where next is Clybar. Cool place. Relatively empty. Two girls sitting further down the bar. I have too many drinks in me to sound intelligent to strangers so I don't even try. Instead, I order more drinks. Including shots. We all then telling stories. Mine apparently all too long for CDGF who frequently tells me to stay on track and finish the damn story. Which I eventually do. Shaft tells a couple of stories. Horse cock tells a few stories. If there was anyone left in the bar they would have though we were either crazy or hilarious. Or both. We were loud and laughing continuously. Horse cock told a couple of stories about Shaft then told us that he is dating a 21 year old girl whose birthday was the day before and he gave her a Movado watch. To which she says Oh thank you and he gets a little kiss on the cheek. For a Movado watch! Later she is on the phone with her friend and says yeah he gave me a watch. Horse Cock says "I am returning that. How can you not appreciate that. For some people that is there dream watch." Hell when I was 21 that WAS my dream watch. I got one from the Ex as a wedding present. I still have it.

For those of you who don't care about watches HC probably dropped about $600-$1000 on that watch.

Back to the story. The whole time we are telling stories Polish Girl is sitting there smiling politely. I got the impression as the night wore on that her English vocabulary is not as broad as I initially assumed. Btu every time he turns to talk to her she seems happy and is content to sit there and listen and smile. At one point I was going to go over and talk to her to keep her involved but who am I to cock block. Even though this is a first date and as Horse Cock was walking into the restaurant Shaft saw Horse Cock lean over and say what is your name again? Classic.

So we eventually leave. HC with his girl in his Porsche. 911. Carrera. Convertible. I tell him he is a cock for owning my dream car, and he tells me I can borrow it when he is out of town. I love him.

I go to Betty's to see Z, a bartender I have a crush on who recently broke up with her boyfriend and got back together with him. She pours me a drink and proceeds to tell this long drama filled story. I loose my desire to stay, and leave 2/3 of my drink on the bar. You know you are drunk when you are willing to leave a man behind.

I get home. I wake up today with my alarm at 8am for the love of god Why. It takes me 1/2 hour to get the strength to get up and shut it off. I mainly get up because I need water. Lots of water. I get up pull a bottle of water out of the fridge adn walk towards the living room and my suit from the night before is strew around the apartment. Pants in the living room. Shirt in the middle of the dining room and the jacket in the far corner. On the floor. In my defense it looks like I may hay tried to lay it on another object before it hit the floor. You know you had to much drink when your clothes from last night are thrown everywhere and you weren't trying to get them off to have sex. I can understand the line of clothes from the front door to the bedroom. But all over willy nilly. That is kind of funny but I would have been happier if there were female clothes accompany them.

Anyway I call call Horse Cock today because he may have Cubs Sox tickets for tomorrow. He calls back. He says do you remember that girl from last night? I say yeah. He then tells me the punch line. I will make you sit through the whole story. He drive her back to his building where her car is. Her car is in his parking space in the building because there is no good street parking. They get back and he asks her to move her car. She apparently wanted to stay with this jerk who ignored her all night and spent half the night talking about other women because she says "are you kicking me out?" "I am not kicking you out but you can't stay." "I am tired, I'm drunk, I don't feel good and I have to work in the morning." They get out of the car she is standing on the passenger side and looks him right in the eye, takes her key and runs it down the entire passenger side. From the door all the way to the back of the car. She keyed his car! She keyed his Porsche! His dream car. My dream car. My response was She got pissed because you didn't fuck her? Usually they get pissed because you do.

He calls the police and has her arrested. She apparently got out at 8am this morning. He is bragging about Traveler's insurance though. He called today and there was an adjuster at his house in an hour and then then gave him the name of the place to get it fixed and wired them a check immediately. Wow.

Poor Porsche though.

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