Sunday, November 11, 2007

Jesus Christ, Post Already

Between working like a slave, being a father and having no energy to do anything I have forgotten, ok I'll be honest intentionally ignored, this blog.

Tonight I went an saw the play Metamorphoses put on by Riverside Brookfield High School students. Monkey and I both liked it but apparently for different reasons and like the exact opposite scenes.

I bought a coat today. Sorry Matador, no more staring at my hard nipples. It's black, it's Cole Haan and no one cares. But me. I like it. The philarican went shopping with me. She is still in love with me. I need to stop hanging out with her or just point blank tell her that it is never going to happen or both. It is a shame because I consider her a good friend.

I work again on Monday. I really need to find a job that I don't hate so much that I start counting the hours I have left till the end of my shift 36 hours before it starts.

Got a phone call last week from a crazy Iraqi doctor who wants to hire me. He is a bit shady but will probably pay well and he owns one of the coolest restaurant/clubs in the city. And his office is around the corner, not 55 fucking road construction infested miles away. Imagine walking to work. Wow.

For those of you not aware of the fact, drinking at 7am after working a night shift is never a good idea. Ever. I somehow tend to forget this a 5am when I agree to this stupidity.

For the benefit of myself and my crackface co-workers who disbelieve that going drinking at 7am is equivalent to sticking your face in a meat grinder I will list the reasons you should not try this at home.

1. At 7am you are ALWAYS drinking on an empty stomach. And eating 1/3 of an 8 inch frozen pizza is not adequate nutrition or volume to keep you from getting drunk off your ass.

2. The bartender is always bored at this time of morning, therefore being in need of entertainment other than Walker Texas Ranger at full volume and being to smart to drink herself/himself, will begin to pour really strong drinks.

3. There is never anyone cute or interesting in a bar at 7am. or 8am. 9am etc. Pay attention, this includes you.
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4. Sunlight. Even if you are in a bar with actually normal windows and you are slowly subjected and introduced to the retina burning beast that is the sun walking out into it's full glory at 11am or 3pm as the case may be is going to suck all kinds of ass. If you are stupid enough to crawl into a dimly lit barely exposed to sunlight bar at 7am you are going to be introduced to one of only 2 glimpses of hell you can experience here on earth. The other being the DMV.

5. You've ruined your day. Unfortunately my friends and I belong to the section of society that when asking "Do you want to go for a drink?" means let's go see how much we can consume. Therefore, a 7am drink rarely ends before 11am and not infrequently before 1pm, and occasionally lasts until 3 or later. Which means your day is fucked and you will not even remotely come close to accomplishing anything on your to do list. And god forbid you HAVE TO FUCKING WORK that day you sure as hell know your productivity is going to resemble that of a three-toed sloth. That is of course if you don't call the fuck off and make everyone else's life miserable.

6. Nothing good happens after 2am. Go Home.

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