Sunday, December 23, 2007

Fucked up Fridays

Woke up Friday at 9:47am to my Dad's where the fuck are you phone call. I was supposed to be at the funeral home for my Aunt's funeral at 9:30am. And I was a pall bearer. Fuck! They couldn't have said it better in 4 Weddings and a Funeral. Fuck! I was showered, shaved, dressed in a suit and out the door in under 25 minutes. Jumped in the car and headed for.....the gas station. The warning screen in my car said Bajo Nivel de Gasolina. Fuck. Drive to the nearest gas station to find a large piece of machinery digging up the earth. Maybe I should pay more attention when I drive that way. That way I wouldn't drive out of my way because it's closer. So now I am driving further out of my way because now the next closest gas station is further from the expressway. I could have gotten back to Division and gone to a gas station near the on ramp but my gas gauge isn't just on low, it is on holy fuck you stupid mother fucker you are riding on fumes and I am going to laugh at you when you run out of gas low.

I pump my damn gas from what has to be the slowest gas pump known to man. My cousin calls she is lost. My dad calls, how close are you? 45 minutes. Dead silence. See you at the church. OK. I make it there in 30.

I am surprised to see that my cousin and her family are actually dressed up. Well dressed up for them. At the wake the day before my cousin was wearing whatever she fell into that day, including gym shoes and no socks. Her oldest son was wearing jeans and some t-shirt with a dragon on it. Her daughter sweat pants and a sweat shirt with stains on it. And the youngest son who is six but cannot speak was in what appeared to be a pajama top and jeans.

At the funeral my cousin actually managed a dress, not a nice dress but at least a dress. She was still in gym shoes and no socks. Her husband was in a bright green dress shirt and an almost matching tie. No jacket. He probably chose this because the oldest son was wearing his nicer more appropriately subdued blue dress shirt and matching tie. The jacket was probably also dad's, gauging from the size. Oh and gym shoes. Everybody owns at least one pair of not gym shoes don't they.

If I would have written this on Friday I would have barely alluded to the white trashiness of my cousin and her family because I was a little to preoccupied.

After the lunch that was a very nice place in a suburb I have never heard of, I headed home in Friday afternoon traffic. I was a good forty plus miles from home sweet home. By then the oh fuck I can't believe I'm late adrenaline rush had long passed and the general anxiety and nervousness of attending a family member's funeral was fading and the effects of the just consumed large meal and only 8-9 hours of sleep in 3 days were taking effect. The radio seemed vaguely distant and my eyelids were fairly heavy and I actually remember thinking I hope I don't fall asleep.

Just before I RAN INTO A FUCKING PICKUP TRUCK! FUCK! Double fuck! That'll wake you up in a hurry. I first slam the car into park and then back into drive and pull over to the fucking shoulder. I really don't need this right now. As the pickup pulled forward I noticed that there was no apparent damage to his truck. What I also noticed but did not appreciate until I got out of the car was the 9-12 inches of steel trailer hitch. That must have had a good time tearing into the front of my car. My grill looked like Leon Spinks after going a good 15 rounds. And my hood was lifted up like a bad toupee on a windy day! Fuck. Like I need this. Did I say that already. Fuck!

The good thing is that I didn't fuck up this guys truck. Luckily I was able to say good bye to him with an apology and a handshake. Now I am going to have to pay to fix my damn car. Don't ask me why I don't have collision insurance I don't have an answer.

Fuck!

I know how I am going to pay for the damn car. I just don't know how I am going to do the things I was planning to do with the money.

It is going to be a grand new year.

Merry Christmas

Friday, December 21, 2007

The Rest of the Story

Have you ever had to go to 2 holiday parties in the same day. 12 hours apart. That 12 hours really doesn't give you the recovery time you would think it would.

The first party was for the night shift at work, mostly put together by the nurses but there were techs, registration people, myself, and the doc that was on shift that night. I was scheduled to get off at 6am the nurses at 7am. They made it there before I did. We had a semi-decent night until Joliet IL decided to vomit on us at about 430am. I finished up at 830, and was quite ready for a drink by that time.

About 10 of us showed up, Me, Matador, Mama Goose, Rondog, Danimal, Jaybird, Kathy, H, Blake, Natalia, and The Songster. All ready for a good drink, and good food. And we got both. Writing this I realize I could of taken way more pictures than I did. Of people and of the spread. Matador brought two pans full of roast beef and one of turkey, and rolls for sammiches. I had two beef sandwiches, potato salad and quiche and said I would have turkey sammich on the second round. Matador gave me a quizzical look and said dude, pointing at the sandwich in my hand, that is round two. "No it's not," I say "I didn't stop eating." "If you keep going without a break it is still the same round" "Kinda like with sex"

In addition to the eating drinking and joking around, we played Left, Right, Center.

To start the game, you need three LCR cubes, at least three players, and three chips for each player. Coins can be used in place of chips for additional players. After determining which player starts the game, the first player rolls three cubes. The number of L's, C's or Dots rolled dictate where the player's chips go.

* The number of L's indicates the amount of chips to be passed to the player on the left.
* The number of R's indicates the amount of chips to be passed to the player on the right.
* The number of C's indicates the amount of chips to be passed to the center or "pot".
* The DOTS are neutral and players neither pass nor place chips in the pot for any DOTS rolled.

When a player has only 1 or 2 chips, he rolls only 1 or 2 cubes. If a player has no chips, he is still in the game, but passes the cubes to the next player. The last player with chips is the winner, does not roll the cubes and wins the center "pot".

Those are the official rules. We follow those rules with two exceptions. 1- We play with dollar bills instead of the provided chips. 2-We require that the last person with money rolls a dot to win. If he/she rolls an L or R the money moves around the table. If he/she rolls a C the money goes into the pot and everyone re-antes and we start over until someone wins getting the money from the new pot being added to the old pot. This can make for some interesting games.

Speaking of interesting games. A month or two ago Matador, Mama Goose and Rondog decided to up the ante given they were playing with only three people. First with five dollar bills, then twenties, making the pot $90 each round. Well as fate would have it the pot rolled over twice and Mama Goose went home with $360. Nice work, eh?

Well, yesterday Paulie, the owner of the bar, was suggesting playing LRC with Benajamins. Needless to say, no one took him up on it. What we did settle on was LRC with Fives. With 8 people. That's $120 floating around in the pot. Paulie almost took it but Jaybird pulled out the win. The lost of $15 a piece in a matter of 5-8 minutes dulled everyone's appetite for LRC so we moved down to Ones and played several rounds with 8 people. Hilarity ensued. In one game the last dollar went to the left four times before coming back right once and landing on Mama Goose. Who managed to win 4 pots in a row. Then we took a break to concentrate on drinking. Which we did as some of the less hard core drinkers and those with responsibilities slowly left the premises leave me, Matador, Mama Goose Jaybird and Caveman to keep the faith and drink for the cause. Another Co-worker PornStar showed up to give us an influx of new blood. Which spurred a round of phone calls by the Matador to try and increase the size of the party. Which lead us to the discovery that his ears get quite red when is talking to a girl he likes.

It was about this time (11a or noon, I think) that one of the bartender's mentioned that we weren't drinking at our usual breakneck pace. There is nothing like inspirational words to get you back on your game. Matador and I commenced drinking like it was our job. Matador claimed that he was drinking fast the whole time but I am pretty sure we were at the same pace the whole time.

Have you ever noticed that the amount of money you put in the Juke Box is directly proportional to the number of drinks in your system. I bet the Jaybird dropped a good twenty playing songs. But his selection was good so no complaints.

Influenced by a good soundtrack and increased alcohol levels we played a few more rounds of Left Right Center. More laughter. More won rounds by Mama Goose. Mamy more drinks and more checking of the watch by me. In addition to the Night Shift Christmas Party, the physician group I work for was having it's Holiday Dinner last night. Actually they had it two nights so everyone could go. I was planning on leaving but everyone kept buying me more drinks and then after about 8 or so rounds of LRC, I won one and feeling bad about taking money and leaving I played another round. Which I won. Sometimes you can't win for losing. I had another drink on the table due to the apparent universal urge to buy everyone another round. And at $2.50 u-call-it's it wasn't hard to do. At one point in the day Mama Goose bought the entire bar a drink and it only cost her $20. Not being one to leave a man behind I pick up my drink and begin to pound it when my eyes almost popped of my head. I made a face and said wow. Caveman with a big smirk on his face asks You like that? Fucking Bastard. You bought that round? He laughs. Caveman has gotten in to the habit of only ordering me triples whenever he orders me a drink. I choke down the drink. With my head now spinning I jump into my car and head back to the call room at the hospital.

Matador wearing his new Christmas Present

Mama Goose and her winnings

Danimal

Natalia

Mama Goose and more Winnings

Us


I shower and change in my suit which I luckily had the forethought to bring with me the night before. Somehow while showering I managed to get plenty of water on the floor soaking the only pair of socks I had with me. I remembered a change of underwear, but not a change of socks. Now in a suit and dress shoes sans socks I head out of the building stopping the the doctor's lounge to google map directions to the restaurant. So I am sitting in there. loaded and sockless, surrounded by attending physicians. I have never wanted gum or sock so much in my entire life. I scooted forward under the desk as much as possible to hide my hillbilly dress code. I got directions and bolted. Not having my ID I had to walk the long way out of the hospital. Past the ER. Not my preferred move. I of course end up seeing people I work with. Luckily when people who only see you in pajamas see you in a suit, they aren't looking at your feet. I get my ass into the car and make a beeline for Wal-Mart which is only a mile away. My parking karma was still intact and I got a parking space only 3-4 spaces away from the door. And promptly fell asleep. I think I even laid the seat back. Why I don't know. The emergency nap light must have gone off in my head.

To update you on the time line, I was up from about noon on Tuesday started work at 9pm, worked 11 1/2 hours. And then went drinking.

I had left the bar between 5-5:30 and got out of the hospital about 6 or so. Was supposed to be at the dinner at 6:30

I woke up at 7. Now with a sense of panic and confusion, I really don't remember going to sleep, I go tearing into Wal-Mart in search of socks. I now know why I usually pay a lot for socks. The cheap socks suck ass. Major ass. I get back out to the parking lot and somehow remember where it was I parked my damn car. I head toward Naperville thinking about whether I should even bother at this point, being on pace to show up about 1 1/2 hours late. But that really isn't anything new for me. Luckily the alcohol in my system allowed me to shout down the logic in my system and I continued on my way. I arrive at Sullivan's at 8pm. As it turned out the restaurant was really busy and they had only say down 10-15 minutes before my arrival. The main disadvantage to arriving late to this type of function is you don't get to chose your seat. The only seat available was at the head of the table and next to the boss' wife. Oh, Joy. I have only met her a few times before and have never said anything other than hello to her. Mainly because she always seems to have quite the sour disposition. I was not expecting a great time and vowed to keep my intoxicated mouth shut. I sat I ordered a drink and promptly moved to the other end of the table to tak to people worth talking to. Luckily the other end of the table was quite far as there were about 25 people in our group.

The way cute waitress found me with my drink and as she presented it to me said "The bartender poured it a little strong so if you want me to make it a tall I will. My look must have said something to the effect of "You gotta be fucking kidding me" because she said "or you could just thank me" "Or I could give you a kiss on each cheek" She laughed an oh so cute laugh and moved on. Can you tell I was completely enamored. Actually all our waitresses were hot, Chelsea not the hottest of the group but definitely the best personality and smile. I go back my seat make small talk with Boss' wife and Sir Lancelot's wife when Major Dan (not to be confused with Danimal) asks me about my car keys. This is a good story. Just one of many good stories that seems not to make it to my blog. I move over to him and his wife to regale them with the part of the story they were unaware of. Just as I was finishing the story our waitress kicked me out of that area because I was standing between the wall and the table which is their only route to serve that side of the table. About this time she asks me how I like my drink. I tell her it is good but not strong. She gives me a look. Dinner comes. It is delicious. 12 oz of perfectly cooked cow carcass. Covered in Gorgonzola cheese (a first for me, I definitely recommend it) and garlic butter which is by far one of the greatest inventions of man. I drool, I eat. I start talking about one of my greatest regrets. About 6 months ago I was at this same restaurant for a dinner sponsored by a pharmaceutical company, read free. The special on that particular night was a 16 oz filet covered with all kinds of fatty goodness that I can't remember at that moment but I remember that the description not only made me drool but my stomach growl. Until I heard the price. $65. For a steak. I am not sure why I cared when big business was picking up the tab. But Sixty Five Dollars. For a steak. It is this point into the story that I say For sixty five dollars it should be brought to me by a naked woman. At which Boss' wife gives me a look and Sir Lancelot's wife says "That's disgusting" I'm sorry did I say that out loud. I quickly finish the steak story and change the subject to something less visual and less offensive. Who brought me to a family restaurant? My other folly was discussing alcohol in front of boss' wife. When the waitress, my future wife, brings me my second drink, I take a sip and say now that's a drink. Chelsea, I sure that's her name, said I ordered a SoCo rocks with a splash of coke because that apparently how you like it. I go on to talk about how I have too many bartender friends and the best and worst thing about having friends who are bartenders.

They pour really strong drinks. Chelsea brought me several last night.

I manage to have a very pleasant conversation with Boss's wife about her son. I am now his biggest fan at this point. She told me at least two really cool stories about him that I will skip because it is 2:47am, I have been typing for over and hour, and I have to be up at 7am for a funeral. Why do they always make funerals so early in the morning. Is is so the rest of us wish we were dead?

The only time I drop the F bomb or any swear word at all was the Boss' fault. He mentioned Fukudome, the Cubs newest player. Why the the Cubs would acquire a player whose name phonetically is Fuck-You-Do-Me I will never know. And I said so. I think my profanity was excused by the women. Both the Boss and wife repeated my pronunciation. The boss with more enthusiasm and sense of humor than his wife.

Soon after dinner was over those with children and no stamina started to get up to leave. There was Iceberg and his wife, Songster and his wife, Clark Kent and his wife- who is a hottie by the way, Major Dan, Sir Lancelot and their wives also left. Which left us with Boss, Boss' wife, ChrisSand, Tammaaaaaaaaay and her husband, and creepy doc. We consolidated and talked for a little longer and then Boss, wife and creepy doc left and the rest of us went to the bar where we were told we could smoke cigars but it was last call so we could only get one drink in.

We found more accomodating facilities at Features around the corner. Where it was both open and cigar friendly. In more way than one. Not only do they allow cigars, they have 14 foot ceiling and I wasn't able to smell the vile thing from only 5 feet away. I hate cigars but hate that the government can tell you where you can and cannot smoke. I hope this law that is going into effect Jan 1 gets repealed. I don't have any true hope for that though because now that it is law it would be political suicide for any politician to try to oppose it.

Anyway the husband's of the two women who I wanted to talk to the least turned out to be quite pleasant to talk to. Luckily the ladies sat by themselves while the men sat it the comfy chairs smoking and drinking. As it should be. So after yet three more drinks, I was able to not only find my car but the expressway and my house. I think I was way more tired than drunk at this point pace having slowed considerably.

As soon as I arrived home I stripped off my suit and did a face plant into my bed.

And that my dears, is the rest of the story.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Heroes

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If I haven't mentioned it, I am currently 100% Bat-shit crazy addicted to Heroes. Borrowed Season 1 from brother around Thanksgiving and it sat next to the TV for at least a week. After finally deciding to sit my ass down and watch it. Six hours later I felt like one of Bennet's abductee's. At least I knew what happened and what happened was Holy Fuck. The first episode really draws you in. And keeps you sucked in through the first 3-4 episodes. Around 4-5 it kind of levels off and you are just waiting for what you know this show can be. And in episode 8 or 9 you get it. And after that it is hold on to you hats folks the ride is about to begin. I think I watched the last eight episodes in one day. Or at least what I thought were the last eight episodes. I got to episode 22 and thought what? this is too measley pedestrian boring, what I expected to be the last episode. Yeah my jackass Brother gave me the series without Disk 7. I have yet to kill him for this but it is definitely on my to-do list.

Finally got to watch the last episode at Matador's place because he has Netflix and 17 hours of downloadable video a month. Last episode kicked so much ass I drove home signed up for Netflix, they are currently offering unlimited downloads, and promptly watched 3 episodes of Season 2. Only 3 seasons because it was at least 4 in the fucking morning at this point and even batshit crazy vampires like me need to sleep occasionally.

My official review of Heroes Season 1

Fantastic, stunning, imaginative, blah, blah, blah, that is what everyone says.

Favorite character of Season 1: Hiro. Hands down. No one makes you laugh or cheer like Hiro.

Most hated character of Season 1: No brainer, Sylar. But the networks now that hating a character will draw you in as much as loving a character. Especially when you know half way through the season that he is going to get his ass kicked.

Most whiny, get over it already character(s) of Season 1: Parkman, Nikki. Come on people grow some balls already.

The character you actually love to hate: Noah Bennet

Most improved Character of Season 1: Peter Patrelli

I was going to continue with season 2 but it is time to eat, and we all know how much I love to eat.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Saturday

Last Saturday I met up with Rico. I was supposed to meet him at his work Christmas Party at 9pm. As my last post alluded to, I was not even ready to leave the house until almost 10. It was as I was getting the last of my shit together that my phone rings. It is Rico. The party is lame. It's about time my procrastination paid off. He will call me back when they figure out a new destination. I pour myself another god awful Rum and Sprite Zero. Why I didn't switch to SoCo in an attempt to improve the taste of the drink and preserve my oh so limited supply of Habana Club.

The call comes. The answer is La Pena, an Ecuadorian Restaurant on the northwest side of Chicago. Rico was with his cousin, Ritchie Rich, and A, a woman he works with. I always been a great fan of Latin music and was not disappointed. We only had appetizers but they were excellent. Would definitely go back for dinner. Ritchie Rich and I thought Rico's friend was cute but not gorgeous. That was until Ritchie Rich had a couple of drinks, then she was the most gorgeous girl in the world. And he couldn't stop telling her or me this. She danced with him a few times and danced with Rico. She even got me up there once to dance Merengue. It has been so long since I danced to that music. I need to get back into shape. Latin dancing with definitely build up your legs and endurance.

It really is funny to watch someone fall off the cliff. One minute Ritchie Rich was lucid, maybe a little buzzed but lucid and having normal conversation, then I blinked and he was loaded and gushing all over this girl. She was a fun person and worth hanging out with but watching him was hilarious.

I only got four pictures instead of the planned twenty, but they didn't have SoCo so I had to drink Vodka Seven's all night which meant I was drinking slow.

ghettofabulous - Photo Hosted at Buzznet

A and Rico - Photo Hosted at Buzznet

A and Rico - Photo Hosted at Buzznet

Shiny lips - Photo Hosted at Buzznet

Saturday, December 08, 2007

New Rules

Start early. I was supposed to meet Rico at 9p. I have moved from fashionably late to where the fuck is this guy.

Never mix good rum with diet sprite out of desperation. Drinkable but not good.

Post more bitch.

Plan ahead

Buy more shirts. You can never have too many good shirts.

Ditto sheets.

Download and post your pics the day you take them regardless of how drunk/hungover you are. I hope to take at least 20 pics tonight to add to the 200 or so I have accquired over the past two weeks.

Smack Matador more. That which doesn't kill you only serves to make you stronger.

Never pass up the opportunity to eat a Picante burrito

Friday, November 23, 2007

Do You Know What Makes Me Mad

Parking Meter - Photo Hosted at Buzznet
Parking Tickets make me mad. Swearing, cursing, screaming, threating revenge on a cop I never met mad. Steam coming out my ears, flames coming out my eyes mad. Shaking my steering wheel mad.

I have actually been productive today. Multi-tasking even. After dropping off my dry cleaning I put my laundry in the machines at the local Spin Cycle and walked down to Underdogg to get an all too delicious Double Cheddar Charburger with fries.

I get back to the laundromat just in time to move my clothes into the dryer. Man is today going good. I then sit down to eat and this is where my day goes south. Two bites into my sammich I reach into the bag to find a napkin (there are none) and manage to knock over my bottle of Diet Pepsi. Onto my burger. I now have a wet sammich and a puddle of pop in the middle of the table with no napkins. I go over to the public sink and grab pulling paper towel out of the dispenser, dry my hands and reach back for more to discover that I have used up the last of the last of the paper towels. Luckily, there were five small napkins next to the free coffee. Which were just enough to leave the table slightly wet but puddle free. I finish my slightly wetter sammich and check my dryers. I have 28 minutes minutes left. I decide to go to the bank to get cash because by the time I finish laundry they will be closed and because of bizarre circumstances I don't have time to explain here, my ATM card has been in the hands of a Greek woman whose name I can barely pronounce. So it is go to the bank or stay home tonight. Guess my choice. I don't plan to stay out late but one of the few good things that has happened to today is that Foti is going to be at Estelle's here in the hood. So off to the bank I go. Now you city dwellers know, we don't have the benefit of parking lots everywhere we go like the cushy burbs do. Or legal parking for that matter. As I pulled into the bus stop that is the only available place to put my car I switch on my hazards, and run into the bank. Luckily, no line. I write a check get my money and am out of the bank in less than four minutes flat. I jump in my car, turn the ignition, turn off the hazards and let the screaming begin. There is a parking ticket on my windshield. Four minutes. Bastard couldn't give me four minutes. Just writing about it is pissing me off again. Bastards. Give a kid a break. $90 ticket. Now I took out a lot of money because I am going to a wedding tomorrow and am putting $200 in the card, so I only got fined 20% for taking money out of the bank. If I would have withdrawn only $100 I would be really pissed.

My laundry is finished and I am home venting into the internet, but before I came to Blogspot to worship I went directly to the City of Chicago website to by my damn ticket, but it won't let me pay it because it is not in the system yet. Which sucks because by the time the damn cop files the ticket and the city puts it into the system and the IT flunky connects the info with the internet I will have forgotten all about the damn ticket and they will send me those oh so annoying notices in the mail.

Bastards.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

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I am thankful....


that I am finally off work for a couple of days

that I will be able to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family on sunday

that I will be a friend's wedding in 2 days having a great time

for mini-skirts

that my daughter is pretty, smart, and so far is a good kid

that my dad has made it through two surgeries this year. One of them emergent.

for pumpkin pie

that I have become good friends with the Matador. Every one needs a friend who has the exact same sense of humor

for Abo-rama whose smile always makes me do the same

for backless gowns

for every ice cold glass of Southern Comfort and Coke that I have consumed this year

for bartenders who get up early in the morning just so I can have a drink at seven a.m.

that how I met you mother is still on the air

that everyday I go to work I meet at least one intelligent person who helps stave off my fading hope in the rest of society

that I am 6'2"

that I haven't gone blind

that I haven't been arrested yet for tax evasion

that I may have a part-time job that will distract me from that fact that I hate my full-time job

that same part-time job will help me buy a condo

that there are still nice people in the world

that I still have the chance to become one of them again

that farts are still funny

that tony pierce still blogs, and still makes my smile

that tony's blog inspired me to make this list

that you aren't too pissed off that this is so damn long

for women with long legs

that everyday is another chance to take over the world

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

An Idea

Not necessarily a good one but an idea none-the-less.

A few years ago a friend of mine told me about a dive bar pub crawl he was going on. Ever since I have been considering setting up something similar my self. But today's idea is a neighborhood pub crawl. With actual neighborhood bars. For those of you not in the know there is a big difference between a neighborhood bar and a bar in your neighborhood. If you live in lincoln Park there are hundred's of bars in your neighbor hood but very few if any neighborhood bars.

The criteria for inclusion in the crawl are as follows:
(List is currently incomplete and suggestions are welcome)

1. Within walking distance from the house. For purpose of the crawl 1.5 miles is the current cutoff. We can cab to the furthest point and make our way back bar by bar.

2. Mixed drinks must be less than $5. I am considering lowering that to $4, but this may eliminate some cool places.

3. Must not be on a major street. Exceptions may be applied for.

4. Juke box

5. Bar in current incarnation should be at least 20 years old. May consider lowering this to 10.



I think that is a good start. If you can think of any other requirements for a neighborhood bar let me know.

Driving by this place inspired my idea.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Jesus Christ, Post Already

Between working like a slave, being a father and having no energy to do anything I have forgotten, ok I'll be honest intentionally ignored, this blog.

Tonight I went an saw the play Metamorphoses put on by Riverside Brookfield High School students. Monkey and I both liked it but apparently for different reasons and like the exact opposite scenes.

I bought a coat today. Sorry Matador, no more staring at my hard nipples. It's black, it's Cole Haan and no one cares. But me. I like it. The philarican went shopping with me. She is still in love with me. I need to stop hanging out with her or just point blank tell her that it is never going to happen or both. It is a shame because I consider her a good friend.

I work again on Monday. I really need to find a job that I don't hate so much that I start counting the hours I have left till the end of my shift 36 hours before it starts.

Got a phone call last week from a crazy Iraqi doctor who wants to hire me. He is a bit shady but will probably pay well and he owns one of the coolest restaurant/clubs in the city. And his office is around the corner, not 55 fucking road construction infested miles away. Imagine walking to work. Wow.

For those of you not aware of the fact, drinking at 7am after working a night shift is never a good idea. Ever. I somehow tend to forget this a 5am when I agree to this stupidity.

For the benefit of myself and my crackface co-workers who disbelieve that going drinking at 7am is equivalent to sticking your face in a meat grinder I will list the reasons you should not try this at home.

1. At 7am you are ALWAYS drinking on an empty stomach. And eating 1/3 of an 8 inch frozen pizza is not adequate nutrition or volume to keep you from getting drunk off your ass.

2. The bartender is always bored at this time of morning, therefore being in need of entertainment other than Walker Texas Ranger at full volume and being to smart to drink herself/himself, will begin to pour really strong drinks.

3. There is never anyone cute or interesting in a bar at 7am. or 8am. 9am etc. Pay attention, this includes you.
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4. Sunlight. Even if you are in a bar with actually normal windows and you are slowly subjected and introduced to the retina burning beast that is the sun walking out into it's full glory at 11am or 3pm as the case may be is going to suck all kinds of ass. If you are stupid enough to crawl into a dimly lit barely exposed to sunlight bar at 7am you are going to be introduced to one of only 2 glimpses of hell you can experience here on earth. The other being the DMV.

5. You've ruined your day. Unfortunately my friends and I belong to the section of society that when asking "Do you want to go for a drink?" means let's go see how much we can consume. Therefore, a 7am drink rarely ends before 11am and not infrequently before 1pm, and occasionally lasts until 3 or later. Which means your day is fucked and you will not even remotely come close to accomplishing anything on your to do list. And god forbid you HAVE TO FUCKING WORK that day you sure as hell know your productivity is going to resemble that of a three-toed sloth. That is of course if you don't call the fuck off and make everyone else's life miserable.

6. Nothing good happens after 2am. Go Home.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Too good to be true

I ran into an article on MSNBC.com this morning on Wedgie Proof undies. I clicked the link and this is the important part of the article.

Using rigged boxers and fabric fasteners to hold together some seams, Jared and Justin Serovich came up with the "Rip Away 1000," a pair of underwear that cannot be jerked up to give its wearer a painful "wedgie."

"When the person tries to grab you — like the bully or the person tries to give you a wedgie — they just rip away," Justin explained Thursday by phone from Los Angeles, where the TV segment was taped Wednesday.



Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the only thing worse than someone giving you a wedgie is someone STEALING YOUR FUCKING UNDERWEAR!

If someone gives you a wedgie, it hurts and the people around you laugh. If someone steals your underwear and runs them up the school flagpole, you will be laughed at until you graduate or leave town and they might even keep laughing after that. At your 20 year high school reunion someone will bring up the fact that in fourth grade your underwear ended up on the flagpole or on Mrs. Kozinski's Desk. Or in some girl 's lunch bag.

And lest we forget, 8 year-old boys tend to wear there underwear until mom threatens to cut them off or send you to school without pants. So if these brilliant eight year old inventors want their Skid Mark underwear tossed around the school so be it, just so long as they realize that the first time that happens their business will go belly up.

Now to get the image of bacon stripped tighty whiteys out of your mind here something more pleasant in the world of underwear.



Saturday, October 27, 2007

In the meantime...

I am studying way too little way too late but I am studying. I Take my recertification exam on Tues. and just started studying yesterday so I have no real time to post here so you will get photos instead.

Matador and The Lust of His Life




Me and The Matador

The picture says it all


She loves to cook and give out fake phone numbers

Friday, October 26, 2007

At least I found it funny

I tend to occasionally put complete dreck on my blog for no other reason than it amuses me at the time.

It is 2:30 in the morning and I am not drunk or in a state of post-coital bliss. I am however in the middle of a self imposed How I Met Your Mother marathon. Season 2 of course. Season 1 is still in the clutches of Brother, who apparently loves to flirt with death. To his credit though i don't believe he is intentionally hording it, I believe instead that a smaller version of the family black hole has set up residence in his apartment and sucked in my DVDs.

Does your family have a black hole. I have met one other friend who understands the black hole phenomenon. You have something and you know where it is, at least you think you do until you go to retrieve it and it is nowhere to be found. I swear it was right there! And you look for it and look for it and it seems to have vanished until one day, possibly one much later in time when you are not looking for it, possibly even have forgotten about it completely.....poof, there it is. In a place you swore you looked in. Twice.

My parent's house is the site of the largest black hole known to man. I am conviced people have been lost in there.

It is so large that is has spawned a second smaller black hole. The present black hole. My mom has perfected the art of hiding things IN A SAFE PLACE. We tell my mom never to hide something in a safe place because it will never be seen again. For at least the past 3-4 years my mom has lost at least one Christmas present for someone in the family. She tears her house apart and cannot find it and she apologizes profusely and lets it worry her all through Christmas eve to the point where she will get up intermittently during the evening to look for it because she believes she has figured out where she put it. She is wrong. The black hole has it. The funniest thing about this Christmas ritual is that the black has started spitting out the said Christmas present just prior to the intended recipient's birthday. And my mom finds this present usually while looking for the birthday present she has put IN A SAFE PLACE. The birthday present then disappears into the black hole being spit out again just before Christmas. At least the black hole has a sense of balance.

I however am quite off balance. I have a new addiction. Actually it is an addiction that has been building for a few years now, but has reached a fever pitch. TV on DVD. I blame brother. He gave me my first taste. Free of course. That's how they hook you. He lent me Season 1 of 24 on Christmas about 3 or 4 years ago and now I have purchased seasons for 3 separate shows in just the past week and a half. And I will probably go on-line and purchase Season 2 of Weeds as soon as I finish writing this. And I saw Seasons 1 and 2 of Arrested Development for $20 each at larget last week. I have never seen the show but have heard good things. And $20 per season. HOw can you beat that. Although it kind of pisses me off that Cable shows only have 10-12 episodes per season and you pay about the same price as you would for 22-24 episodes of a regular TV show. I don't mind spending money just stop ripping me off.

Bastards.

Okay it is 3am and this bastard is going to bed. If of course I can get into bed without being pulled in by the TV's gravitational pull.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Good Dave Bad Dave

I just found this in my files titled, you guessed it Good Dave Bad Dave

It is a IM convo between me and my beloved Whatsername. I wish she would post more. This cracked me up. I know it is dreck but if you read far enough it is funny as shit.
It occurred approximately January of 2006


David says:
morning
$@R@|-| says:
sup hookah
David says:
on the phone with red
$@R@|-| says:
sex-cellente
David says:

$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:

David says:
lol
David says:
lol
$@R@|-| says:
brb makin de bed
David says:
otay
$@R@|-| says:
otay back

You have just sent a Nudge!

$@R@|-| says:
DAVE DAVE DAVE
David says:
2 minutes
$@R@|-| says:
I get to watch a show called TittyBangBang
David says:
sweet
$@R@|-| says:
it's not pr0n though
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
i think you can watch this show online ill see if i can find it and send you the link
David says:
otay
David says:
not porn whats up with that
$@R@|-| says:
its comedy!
David says:
did I send you the link for "The internet is for porn" or did you send it to me
$@R@|-| says:
you sent it to me
$@R@|-| says:
i dont forward stuff
David says:
it is characters from a fantasy game singing
David says:
I cant remember where I found it but it is hilarious
David says:
tony has a hot pic of Raymi up
David says:
your favorite goddess of the interweb
$@R@|-| says:
its up on three sites. old news yo
$@R@|-| says:
fil had it up then she posted it then tony did
David says:
otay thebn
$@R@|-| says:
heehee
$@R@|-| says:
ive seen her boobs almost as many times as ive seen mine
David says:
I have been looking at raymi because of the party they had, but normally I read her once a week
$@R@|-| says:
*nodnod*
David says:
you dont look at your boobs daily?
$@R@|-| says:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/broadband/mediawrapper/consoles/threeplayer/bb_rm_console.shtml?nbram=1&bbram=1
David says:
And I rarely if ever read fil
$@R@|-| says:
i look many times a day
David says:
YAY!
David says:
I love your pic
David says:
you're a retard but I love you
David says:
I need to attach that to all my emails
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
you should!
David says:
I may
David says:
can I make a pic my signature
David says:
?
$@R@|-| says:
im not sure
$@R@|-| says:
that lin kis the show. watch it
David says:
Where did you get that, it won't let me right click and save
David says:
and titty bangbang wont load
$@R@|-| says:
sec
$@R@|-| says:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/tv/tittybangbang/
$@R@|-| says:
see the blue box on the right a little way down?
$@R@|-| says:
the link is there
David says:
It went there but the video wouldn't load I will try this new link
David says:
I just turned down a shift at work
David says:
fuck and I need the money
$@R@|-| says:
you prolly need realplayer
$@R@|-| says:
why!?
David says:
but I am going to a free dinner at a great steak house
David says:
and I have plans with smiley after
David says:
and I haven't seen smiley in two weeks
David says:
I didn't get her a xmas present so I should at least keep my date
David says:
fuck
David says:
I need the mones
David says:
y
David says:
damn
David says:
should I cancel and take the shift
David says:
where di you go
$@R@|-| says:
im here im thinking about your dilemma
David says:
otay think
$@R@|-| says:
well
$@R@|-| says:
i dunno =/ how long till youd have to work?
David says:
9p
David says:
dinner is 6-8:30 so I would have to leave early
David says:
and I was supposed to meet smiley at 9
$@R@|-| says:
might be good to take the shift and plan something really good for smiley later
David says:
If I had seen her this week I wouldnt feel as bad but I havent seen her since Dec 26
$@R@|-| says:
true =/
$@R@|-| says:
i dont know what i would do, probably take the shift so i could afford to treat smiley
$@R@|-| says:
not that you cant but you know what i mean
David says:
I will be able to see her on the weekend but I hate to cancel plans
$@R@|-| says:
i totally understand
David says:
I will be spending borrowed money tonight
David says:
I should take the shift
David says:
half the fun of going to these dinners is the free drinks
David says:
although I hate drinkijng in front of dad
$@R@|-| says:
take the shift dave
David says:
fuck
David says:
i don't wanna
$@R@|-| says:
she will understand!
David says:
maybe
$@R@|-| says:
she will
David says:
I was in a good mood a few minutes ago
$@R@|-| says:
aaw
$@R@|-| says:
youll still get a sweet ass dinner before!
David says:
but I will have to leave early
David says:
and take my car
David says:
which means $10-$20 for parking
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
=(
$@R@|-| says:
i dunno what to tell ya
David says:
I am I an idiot if I dont' take the shift
David says:
fuck I know I should take it
David says:
I am going to take a shower
$@R@|-| says:
ok have a think about it
David says:
have a drink about it
David says:
that
David says:
s a great idea
$@R@|-| says:
not f youre gonna go to work!
$@R@|-| says:
dave!
David says:
hehe
$@R@|-| says:
you sew people!
David says:
it's settled then
David says:
pass my drink
David says:
sewing is easy
David says:
remembering to order the right drugs or tests maybe not so much
$@R@|-| says:
bad dave!
David says:
bad dave is sooo good
$@R@|-| says:
rawr
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
you like bad dave
David says:

David says:
a lot
David says:
bad dave to the rescue
David says:
bad dave has no guilt
$@R@|-| says:
i think youre gonna be drinking to night hehe
David says:
fuck I gotta buy condoms
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
and change the damn sheets
$@R@|-| says:
>.<
David says:
I like smiley
$@R@|-| says:
=)
David says:
sometimes I feel bad that I am seeing these other girls
David says:
it's a good thing only bad dave goes out with them
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
/faceplam
$@R@|-| says:
FACE PALM DAMMIT >.<
David says:
good dave stays at home and reads the bible
David says:
/facepalm
$@R@|-| says:
damn you need to take good dave out
David says:
what is that
David says:
good dave would go to work
$@R@|-| says:
its when someone says stuff like you and you bury your face in your hand
$@R@|-| says:
make the gesture youll know what im talking about
David says:
I know
David says:
I haven't made any promises to anyone
David says:
do you think it is okay to date more than one person until you find the one
David says:
I'll take that as a no
$@R@|-| says:
well, as long as youre not a dick about it...and open about it
$@R@|-| says:
i dont see why not just dont lead anyone on
David says:
yeah I don't lie
$@R@|-| says:
wouldnt htink youd be the type to
David says:
I am not the kind of guy who would be all your the one I love you while dating other people
$@R@|-| says:
good on ya
David says:
even bad dave has that much of a conscience
David says:
that is why I could never be a true playa
$@R@|-| says:
bad dave might be bad but hes not a penis
David says:
he has one though
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
haha
David says:
he likes it too

David says:
and he likes that others like it
David says:

$@R@|-| says:

David says:
I gotta shower
David says:
I am an ass
$@R@|-| says:
go warsh yer arse
David says:
I was just asking for more hours yesterday
David says:
and these fall in my lap
David says:
in dec I turned down two shifts
$@R@|-| says:
well depends on how strapped for cash you wanna be this month =/
David says:
one cause I was lazy and one because I hate hte Dr that was on that day
David says:
but I wasn't short hours in Dec
David says:
now I am short
David says:
fuck
$@R@|-| says:
you gonna be okay for rent and bills if you dont take this shift?
David says:
I hope this other PA gives up her shift on Thursday
David says:
barely
David says:
fuck omatid
$@R@|-| says:
well
David says:
omatic
David says:
don't say it
$@R@|-| says:
i dunno =/
David says:
bad dave wants a drink
$@R@|-| says:
when did bad dave drin klast
David says:
last tues
David says:
one week
David says:
yay for good dave
David says:
yay for bad dave
David says:
yay for dave
David says:
I wanna drink
David says:
I am an ass
David says:
fuck
$@R@|-| says:
ok i know i know i know
David says:
I hate knowing right from wrong
$@R@|-| says:
get a piece of paper
David says:
no
David says:
I already know what will win
$@R@|-| says:
and put good dave on one side, draw a line down the middle then put bad dave
$@R@|-| says:
list the goods and the bads
David says:
ok
David says:
then
$@R@|-| says:
if there are more good you take the shift
David says:
good and bad what
$@R@|-| says:
reasons to wrk and reasons to play
$@R@|-| says:
be honest!!!!
David says:
reasons to take the shift
$@R@|-| says:
yes
David says:
the good column is
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
mnoney
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
etc
David says:
money
David says:
bad column
David says:
good food
David says:
free drink
David says:
smiley's face
David says:
smiley playing pool
David says:
more drink
$@R@|-| says:
(in a lowcut top)
David says:
which I would have to pay for
David says:
nice
David says:
but I dont think she does
David says:
but it is a nice thought
$@R@|-| says:
well, really...will you make all your bills if you miss this shift?
David says:
I will have to get a pic
David says:
no but I won't make all my bills if I take the shift
David says:
I would need like three shifts
$@R@|-| says:
well what if you skip this one and take every other shift offered from here until the end of the month
David says:
but I dont know how many shifts will come up
$@R@|-| says:
true
David says:
I am hoping the other PA will give up thurs
$@R@|-| says:
maybe you should try and get your bills paid and play on your next day off
David says:
her mom in law is real sick
$@R@|-| says:
oh oh oh
$@R@|-| says:
let her know that if she needs to go youll definitely take her shift
David says:
that is the problem
David says:
I could tell smiley thurs instead of today but then I may have to work thurs also
$@R@|-| says:
she mightfeel better knowing she is covered
David says:


$@R@|-| says:
when is your next scheduled day off?
David says:
I offered yest
David says:
thurs
$@R@|-| says:
sheeet!
David says:
then I work the whole weekend
David says:
but I will be able to see smiley on the weekend cause I only work until 9p
$@R@|-| says:
i thin kyou should go with your gut. really. when you walk out the door seee where you go
David says:
but I have two other womens who want to see me
$@R@|-| says:
whore!
David says:

David says:

David says:
you love me
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
hehe
David says:

David says:
where do you find these guys
$@R@|-| says:
random
David says:
are these part of the normal smileys?
$@R@|-| says:
nope
$@R@|-| says:
this guy i know gets a bunch of em and i steal em
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
there is no way MS sanctions p e c ke r boy
$@R@|-| says:
newp
David says:
I like the ronnie one
David says:
sec
David says:
brb
$@R@|-| says:
k
$@R@|-| says:
DAMMIT i missed CSI miami
David says:
damn
David says:
you need tivo
$@R@|-| says:
no i need aall the seasons on DVD
David says:
my brother and I got it for the folks and it is so cool
David says:
I want it
David says:
it is almost as good
$@R@|-| says:
miami is my favourite by CSI NY is cool...gorier though
David says:
i love TV on DVD
$@R@|-| says:
i also want Scrubs on dvd
David says:
I hate waiting a week to see something
David says:
season 2 is out
$@R@|-| says:
i dont i lik watching tv
David says:
i have only seen 1 or 2 episodes
$@R@|-| says:
scrubs is my new fave
David says:
it's funny
$@R@|-| says:
but i never woulda watched it in the states
David says:
some one at work recently said it is just everbody having sex with everyone else
$@R@|-| says:
naaah
$@R@|-| says:
its comic genius
David says:
has it turned it to that
David says:
I didnt' think so
$@R@|-| says:
theres sex but thats not all it is
David says:
I like the episode where the intern thought flashing a guy brought him back to life
$@R@|-| says:
i havent seen that one
David says:
I caught the second half
$@R@|-| says:
i can say that any ep with the one doctor...the um...the oe who gave all the youger doctors nicknames...hes my favourite
David says:
it wont let me copy your profile pic
David says:
send it to me
David says:
pleeeeeeeeeeeeese

The file you attempted to send has been detected as potentially unsafe and was not sent.

David says:
the mean guy
$@R@|-| says:
fucks sake sec
David says:
tall thin
$@R@|-| says:
yes i LOOOVE him
$@R@|-| says:
he cracks me up
David says:
I dont' know his name but he is funny
David says:
I didn't know he gave them nicknames
David says:
I don't see it enoght
David says:
enough
$@R@|-| sends:


$@R@|-| says:
he calls em Newbie and barbie and stuff

Transfer of "retardav.jpg" is complete.

David says:
I gotta get ready one drink coming up
$@R@|-| says:
have a good time
David says:
I am listening to My United States of Whatever
David says:
so you know it is on now
$@R@|-| says:
yeeeeaaaaah! bad dave!
David says:
I gotta shower shave iron a shirt and get condoms before dad shows up
$@R@|-| says:
get going!!!!
$@R@|-| says:
and be careful driving dammit!
David says:
I am driving dad's car down town (that will be after only one drink) after that it is all smiley all the time
$@R@|-| says:
k
$@R@|-| says:
*points*
David says:
I am a good boy
$@R@|-| says:
good
David says:
I try not to drive after drinking
$@R@|-| says:
excellent
David says:
have a drink with me
David says:
we haven't drunk chatted in a long time
$@R@|-| says:
lemme go grab a coke
$@R@|-| says:
i know! omg
David says:
I even have SoCo in the house for the first time in months
$@R@|-| says:
i try not to drink alone anymore i make myself too sick the next day
David says:
just drink one or tow
David says:
wheres nick
$@R@|-| says:
he's sleeping..not feeling well
David says:
oh
$@R@|-| says:
im trying to be quiet
David says:
its like 10 there right
$@R@|-| says:
hafl ten
$@R@|-| says:
half ten*
David says:
yeah sumptin like that
David says:
430 here
$@R@|-| says:
ie 10 30
David says:
i know
$@R@|-| says:
i like half ten better
David says:
im crazy not stupid
David says:
me
David says:
too
David says:
ok gonna quick post
David says:
after I pour a drink
$@R@|-| says:
oh shut up! i dunno who i gotta splin stuff to
David says:
bad dave in the house
$@R@|-| says:
bad dave gonna get hurt
David says:
but it hurts so good
David says:
drink is poured time for
$@R@|-| says:
you say that now
David says:
your daily dose of
David says:
ADD
$@R@|-| says:
ok go post. get your shit ready
$@R@|-| says:
cheers
David says:
thank you
David says:

$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
and dont forget to copy/paste
David says:
thank you
$@R@|-| says:
now its time to pee, get a coke and some chockies. back in a mo
David says:
otay
$@R@|-| says:
did you see my new toy?
David says:
you got a vibrator
David says:
?
$@R@|-| says:
no!
$@R@|-| says:
i wouldnt tell you about that you ass
David says:
i tell you everything
$@R@|-| says:
girls gotta have her secrets
David says:
if I get a new vibrator you are the first person I am telling
$@R@|-| says:
SWEET
David says:
whether you like it or not
$@R@|-| says:
i think what i got is better than a vibrator though
David says:
red wants to go to an adult toy shop
$@R@|-| says:
ooOOoo
$@R@|-| says:
that could be fun
David says:
she has never masturbated
David says:
so she say
$@R@|-| says:
i didnt till i was like 22
David says:
really
$@R@|-| says:
so shes prolly telling the truth
David says:
I may get her to masturbate at 21
$@R@|-| says:
nnot as easy for a girl we have to go digging
David says:
oh I think she is
David says:
not really the important shit is on the outside
$@R@|-| says:
i was never really interested in that shit anyway when i was growing up
David says:
she says she used to watch porn alot when she was away for college
David says:
how can you watch porn and not masturbazte
David says:
isn't that the point
$@R@|-| says:
easy you just dont
$@R@|-| says:
i dunno
David says:
okazy
$@R@|-| says:
im not big on pr0n
David says:
i know
David says:
but Im a guy
$@R@|-| says:
heehee
$@R@|-| says:
NO!
$@R@|-| says:
you dont say!
David says:
and although I am not into it as much as other guys
David says:
I still think the point is to get turned on and take care of business
$@R@|-| says:
some guys are fuckin freaks
David says:
although other guys will watch it from beginning to end
$@R@|-| says:
YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT MY NEW NON SEXUAL TOY IS DAVE
$@R@|-| says:
i saw one where the pr0n stars were ailiens..it was dumb as hell
David says:
I watch it until I take care ofd business then I turn it off
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
a digi camera
David says:
?
David says:
I haven';t been to your site since the weekend
David says:
a new boyfriend
David says:
a shotgun
$@R@|-| says:
-.-
$@R@|-| says:
oh you got it first guess
David says:
a pointed bra
$@R@|-| says:
a new cam
David says:
i is smart like that
$@R@|-| says:
Nick bought it for me!!!!
David says:
ooooh oooooh now you can take nudie pics
David says:
of someone else of cours
$@R@|-| says:
i could before but im not gonna
David says:
e
$@R@|-| says:
he wont let me!
David says:
I don't wanna see
David says:
you
David says:
I gotta drink with you someday
$@R@|-| says:
no you dont i need to work out
$@R@|-| says:
ooh yes!
$@R@|-| says:
ill be in the staes in march
David says:
and you dont want me to have that image in my head when I am drinking
$@R@|-| says:
ill just punch you in the face
David says:
bad dave might see it
$@R@|-| says:
both of you
David says:
I cant; believe you just said that
$@R@|-| says:
believe it sister
David says:
that's mean
David says:
I would never do anything to you
$@R@|-| says:
i know
David says:
you should know me better than that
$@R@|-| says:
i do!
$@R@|-| says:
im just a biatch
David says:
I might make out with other chicks while you are around
$@R@|-| says:
fine with me
David says:
but I figured you would cheer me on
$@R@|-| says:
ooh ooh
$@R@|-| says:
we could so have a blogger party!
David says:
I will just tell them I am a porn star and you are my camera person
David says:
I think the pants is leaving town
David says:
have you read her recently
$@R@|-| says:
i dont wanna see you anked dave!
$@R@|-| says:
no
$@R@|-| says:
not recently
David says:
Focus on her
$@R@|-| says:
she seemed really nice but a little wild for me
David says:
but I wouldn't have you actually do it but it would explain why I am with a girl I am not dating
$@R@|-| says:
im your wingman dave
David says:
and it would let her know exactly where I stand
David says:
you got to read her
David says:
she is an escort
David says:
as in
David says:
ESCORT!
$@R@|-| says:
OMG
David says:
holy fuck a moley
$@R@|-| says:
holy shit i never knew
David says:
I couldn't bellieve it
David says:
just now
$@R@|-| says:
jesus christ
David says:
only for the past week
David says:
she said she is doing it before she leaves town
$@R@|-| says:
dang
David says:
but I don't know where she is going
David says:
fuck I should be posting
David says:
showering
$@R@|-| says:
POST!!
David says:
shaving
$@R@|-| says:
omg its my fault
David says:
buying condoms
$@R@|-| says:
go dave go! ill be here
David says:
even though I prolly wont use them tonight
David says:
otay
$@R@|-| says:
better safe...off with ye!
David says:
oh by the way btw as they say
$@R@|-| says:
i know btw
David says:
drinking on an empty stomach is a bad Idea
$@R@|-| says:
i know
David says:
I know but I apparently dont' cause I didn't think of it
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
BAD dave
David says:
until after I typed out by the way
David says:
cause I am a dork
David says:
who is buzzed after one drink
David says:
which is very unusual for my
David says:
me
David says:
I poured strong though
$@R@|-| says:
it happens to the best of us
David says:
which is very usual for me
$@R@|-| says:
oh daaaave
David says:
I gotta post and pour another drink
$@R@|-| says:
what am i gonna do with you
David says:
it is so cold in here
David says:
will you warm me up
$@R@|-| says:
go post! sign out of MSN and post
David says:
hehe
$@R@|-| says:
soco will wrm you up
David says:
boot to the head
$@R@|-| says:
boot to the arse
David says:
and one for jenny and the wimp
David says:
oooooh i like that
David says:
I am going to be loaded before dad shows up
David says:
thats bad
David says:
bad dave bad
David says:
good ubu
$@R@|-| says:
dave
$@R@|-| says:
go post
David says:
you love me
$@R@|-| says:
maybe
David says:
posting about the sexiest girl on the interweb
David says:
you
$@R@|-| says:
aaaw
David says:
I love that term but I dont' use it cause I dont' want to steaal from tony
$@R@|-| says:
someday ill get my pic up on tony's site...only ill be dressed
David says:
you gotta show something
David says:
a lttle leg
David says:
back belly
$@R@|-| says:
tummy
David says:
fay mow sent me a good dimple pic
David says:
gotta post that right now
$@R@|-| says:
oh was that her the heart?
$@R@|-| says:
ah!
$@R@|-| says:
DAVE go post
David says:
i think faymow is a guy
$@R@|-| says:
*shrug*
David says:
but the heart was rescue babe
$@R@|-| says:
aaw
$@R@|-| says:
ill tell ya one thing before you go...
$@R@|-| says:
that ethneos and his/her sacral whatever shit...i want to slap their face off
$@R@|-| says:
its annoying. im the oly one whos allowed to be annoying on yur blog
David says:
she posted it on her site too so I guess I could have identified he r but I forgot to ask before i posted so I didn't
David says:
fuck him and his sacral dimples
$@R@|-| says:
prolly better you dont so she doesnt get bad raffic
David says:
I am going to call them ass dimples
$@R@|-| says:
i call em thumbrests
David says:
or thumb rest of the day
David says:
if he doesn't cut it out
$@R@|-| says:
back dimples is ine though
$@R@|-| says:
doo eet!
$@R@|-| says:
ethneos is a fucking dopehead anyway he can fuck off
David says:
red has thumbrests but she is so skinniy I cant feel them in teh dark
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
go post before i hurt you
David says:
her bdy type is like blondie who is an ex girlfriend but blondie was athletic and was toned and firm
David says:
red is kinda soft
David says:
i dont like that as much
$@R@|-| says:
cant be that bad though
David says:
i am so buzze di cnat believe it
$@R@|-| says:
long as she doesnt jiggle everywhere
David says:
no
$@R@|-| says:
DAVE
David says:
sex last time was really good
David says:
getting better
David says:
i met this other girl
David says:
will you lose respect for me if I tell you things
$@R@|-| says:
no dave, but i will if youre late again
David says:
fuck it is 5pm
$@R@|-| says:
you can tell me whatever you want im a locked box
David says:
dad is on the phone
$@R@|-| says:
heehee
David says:
fuck dad is on schedule so I will have to shower and not post
David says:
I am having another drink though
$@R@|-| says:
ok
David says:
I hope I dont mak an ass of myself
David says:
much
David says:
I still hate that smiley
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
almost as much as I hat e this one
David says:
I like that guy but it is not me
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
well lets worry about that later. GO WASH YOUR NUTSACK AND IRO YER SIRT
David says:
even this guy looks dorky
$@R@|-| says:
heehee
David says:
hehe you said nutsack
$@R@|-| says:
yup!
David says:
I am going to plan to go to ireland in 07
David says:
will you come south to see me
$@R@|-| says:
im in northern ireland.
$@R@|-| says:
no
David says:
why
$@R@|-| says:
you have to coe north. its better here
David says:
come to Ireland and I will come back to NI with you
David says:
you gotta see dublin
$@R@|-| says:
well see when the time comes
David says:
that means no
David says:
i know better
$@R@|-| says:
Nick says its shit
David says:
becasue he grew up in NI
David says:
they hate each other
David says:
he grew up during the troubles
$@R@|-| says:
and we'll see doesnt mean no! i cant say where the fook ill be in 07!
David says:
my g-mom would roll over in her grave if she knew i was even talking to someone who was even just staying in NI
$@R@|-| says:
shes prolly spinnin right now
David says:
The people in I hate NI more than NI hates I
David says:
that would be funny
$@R@|-| says:
yeah so mor reason for me to NOT go there
David says:
anyway my nutsack awaits
$@R@|-| says:
go!
David says:
not anymore
David says:
the young folk dont' give a shit
David says:
and if you haven't noticed
David says:
you re american, dork
$@R@|-| says:
so?
David says:
they like us
$@R@|-| says:
yeah but im bad and i am gonna coe live here forever
David says:
it is a beautiful country
David says:
both sides
$@R@|-| says:
yep
David says:
and how can you go to any part of Ireland and not stop in dublin
David says:
I gotta go
$@R@|-| says:
by not going to ireland
$@R@|-| says:
dave youre awful!
David says:
NI is still part of Ireland no matter what the fucking politicians say
David says:
I am beautiful
David says:
I am fantastic
$@R@|-| says:
youre awful! and late!
David says:
I am the lover of all things
David says:
I am bad dave
David says:
!!!!!!
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
post a pic of your back dimples
David says:
remind me not to hit on the waitress in front of smiley
$@R@|-| says:
i need to go look in on Nick
$@R@|-| says:
DAVE!!!
David says:
my goal is now to get the number of the waitress at dinner
David says:
unless she is 50 years old
$@R@|-| says:
no its not!
David says:
yes dinner is with dad not smiley
$@R@|-| says:
well then do that but i gota go check on my sweetie
David says:
I am going to get a number at mortons if it xkills me
$@R@|-| says:
and your ass needs warshin
David says:
ok I am nuts right now but
David says:
i poured a drink remember
David says:
I will be good dave tomorrow
David says:
give him a big kiss
David says:
from me
$@R@|-| says:
i will!
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
have a good time
David says:
but it if it is anywhere but on the cheek
David says:
it is from you ok
$@R@|-| says:
k
David says:
wuv you
$@R@|-| says:
wuv j00
David says:
i forgot about wavy guy
David says:
by
David says:
beyyeyeyeybb

David says:
he this is fum
David says:
fun too
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
now that is fum
David says:
fun
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
DAVE NAKED SHOWER GO!
$@R@|-| says:
do that on the way

Monday, October 22, 2007

Sweet, never short

I was planning on getting on line and ranting about some of the shit that is pissing me off lately, but unfortunately one of the things pissing me off is that I am awake when I should be sleeping and sleeping when I should be awake. One of the biproducts of this is that my laundry is still not done and although I would love to spend an hour on here spouting out a hilarious tirade about what is wrong with society, my desire to not to go to work commando style because I have no clean underwear is stronger and will have to leave you with this little tease.

PS- Tony is back. You should still tell him you love him, he likes that. If you are cute and female you can send him naked pictures, he REALLY likes that.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I think we've moved from off axis to upside down

Yesterday I posted about the temporary silence from the part of the universe known as tony pierce. (not capitalized on purpose} The silence continues. Early this morning at work The Matador said he read my post. It took me a second to remember what my post was about then I said "Can you believe it? Have you seen his web site?" "Are you kidding me," he replied "I checked it Thursday, Friday, and Saturday." Matador is one the the many converts to the religious experience that is tony pierce. He has been reading him daily since he found him through my blog. Sorry tony, I violated Rule #5. Actually my brother did. Matador had no idea I had a blog until my brother mentioned in front of Matador that he had read my blog the day before. It took Matador about a week to find it. It should have taken him 5 seconds, but he decided to Google all the wrong things before the light went on and he googled the most obvious.

But he has found it and through it tony pierce. He is at least the second. The illustrious Whatsername was the first. It is a shame she doesn't blog anymore, or at least not regularly. Not like I should talk.

I said to Matador, "At first I thought he lost his job at LAist, but he is still posting there" Matador replied, "No it would have to be something else, maybe his mom died." I stopped talking. I think I may have stopped breathing. My heart stopped, my jaw dropped and I started to walk away. Quietly I said, "I didn't even think of that." I kept walking. " Thank you for making me feel better". He didn't.

I hope nothing even remotely that disasterous has occurred in tony's life. I can't even image such a thing happening. My parents are quickly passing old into really old. Tony my prayers are with you. I hope your decision to stop posting is motivated by moving on to bigger and better things. Please up date us. You wouldn't believe how may people are thinking about you.

Now on to the reason I was reminded of that crappy conversation. Some did die. Someone I knew. I am to young for people I know to die. Last year a someone I knew from my childhood passed away and I attended the wake. I mentioned it in a post but kind of skipped over how it made me feel and left a light hearted attempt at humor instead. Humor seems to be the way I deal with just about everything.

On Thursday, Randy Orzada, a Chicago Fire Department Paramedic was killed. Mowed down by a passing car. He was forty three apparently. Some news sources have reported thirty three, but if memory of his age relative to mine is correct, forty three sounds about right.

Forty three however is way wrong for an obituary page.

The articles about him say the usual things, great uncle, good neighbor, but the truth is he was a Oh my God can he really be that nice, nice guy. I think anyone who ever knew him would have no problem describing him as Too Nice. Too Nice. Why do we think it is possible to be too nice. Like it's a bad thing. Too mean-bad. Too drunk-bad. Too spicy-sometimes bad. But too good, I think that is just a way to make ourselves feel better. You're too good, don't be so good. That way I don't look so bad. Randy achieved to good and the world is better for it. Hopefully the rest of us eventually attempt to be better, and realize that if all of us did that we wouldn't have to say too good like it's an insult.

I am going to his wake tonight. I will see people I have not seen and years and that will be a happy thing. I will need it to balance out the sadness.

I am going to go contemplate the meaning of life the universe and everything now. I am always willing to share my thoughts but my feelings will cost you extra.

Please send a prayer to the Diety of your choice for Randy's family and friends that they be comforted.

Good Night and Good Luck.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Don't you hate when the Earth falls off it's axis

There are very few constants in the universe.

The sun will rise in the East and set in the West
Gravity
The blinking 12:00 on the few VCRs that still exist
They will always screw you at the drive thru, especially at KFC
Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely
Someone else will win the lotto

AND.........

And tony pierce will post once if not twice a day. And he will always be funny as hell. Twice as funny if he is mad at someone/something.

Tony Pierce hasn't posted in 3 days. I have been following his blog for at least 2 years and I have never seen him go even a day without a post. He posts drunk, he posts drunk, he even posts when he should be in the other room doing beautiful things to a beautiful naked teenage girl. 3 days. It feels like I lost a friend. Tony and I didn't correspond much and I only met him once, but it was rare that his blog did not make me smile.

Please go see him and tell him you love him. Even if you don't know who he is. I would tell you to look at his archives but he removed the links. The bland background minimal layout shows no trace of the active, imaginative, exciting blog that used to occupy that address.

Tony come back.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Whassup

I am about to be late to work which is when I usually have the urge to put something down here. Lucky for me I don't have much to say. What I will tell you is that I have finished Season 3 part 2 of Entourage. I still can't say it is a great show but it is a good show and you should watch it. It really is how a group of guys interacts. Especially a group of guys who have come into some money. Each season finale has been fantastic and it is so worth watching the whole season to get there.

I have also discovered a new web site, www.livemocha.com Also not life changing, but if you want to learn or practice another language and don't have a lot of time or money this is the place. I am currently learning Spanish and Hindi. I think your other options are French, German, and Chinese. How cool is that.

Anyway time to go.

Explore the universe, you might find something you like.

Talk about procrastination

I can believe my last post was in August. A lot has happened since then. Alot of work, some very expensive drinking. The cubs fell apart on me. Crying. Ignoring Sox fans. Hung out with people I worked with 3 years ago and had a great time. There are pictures and such and if I ever stop avoiding things I need and want to do you will see them. Met a girl, talked to her for 2 hours, set up a dinner date, then called her the next day to find out that she gave me a disconnected number. I was happy about that.


But today we will talk about nonsense. Or at least something amusing. Hits generated by searches. The last three searches that led people to my site are

Picture of man walks in to glass
- explain this one to me

Women like horse cock- from the Arabic Google no less. So the muslims can't have sex before marriage but they can look at a woman sucking on a horse's schlong while masturbating. Yep that makes sense.

Chick walks into a gynecologist
- Doesn't the gynecologist usually walk into the chick? And I prefer the term gynechiatrist.


The next seven were:

Man walks into a bar with a chicken
Common bar shots
Wingman shots- You have to buy your wingman shots, why else would he hit on the fat chick
Waiting for my sweetheart- aren't we all
Juggs party
I have lost my common sense- I am glad I am not the only one
Mmmmm......Pizza- Apparently Homer has figured out how to use Google


I love the internet.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Waiting sweetheart, waiting

I have been sitting for a good ten minutes waiting for inspiration to hit me upside the head with frying pan, but as of yet she has not showed. I want to post more but have not had the urge to say anything in particular so I figured the only cure was to start typing. Maybe some day I'll be funny again. I certainly am funny looking.

I hope you enjoyed looking at the pictures I took at the game as much as I enjoyed taking them. I think I left out the part where after the game and after the dancing and most of my fellow coworkers jumped on the train to return to that hell hole they call Joliet, three of my friends and I went and kidnapped Brother and called and convinced Foti to meet us out at Easy Bar. Which is now by far my favorite bar in my neighborhood and possibly in the City. When we arrived it was only about 8pm or so so the place was empty and the bartender was a girl I have seen in there maybe once. We brought in burritos from Picante down the street and she didn't harass us even though EasyBar's kitchen was still open. I love how laid back they are there. And My good buddy Craig was working. Which was fun and painful at the same time because he loves doing shots as much as I love ordering them. And he doesn't charge me for them. Well not always anyway, but a free shot is always a good shot. We drank some more and then they started dropping like flies. First my friends from J-town then Brother. Foti stuck around for another hour because I can be persuasive like that. Any way we finally left and I ended up on Philarican's couch watching a movie because I wasn't ready to call it a day but I did know it was time to quit drinking which is good because I tend not to realize that point in time. But I am trying desperately to stop being late for work so I figured stopping drinking 8 hours before my shift started would be a good idea. Apparently an even better idea than I thought because I ended up waking up the neck morning still sitting upright on Philarican's couch. Somehow I woke up at 6:05 am without an alarm which is fantastic because I was due at work at 7am.


It is 11:38 and I think I am still recovering from Thursday and lack of sleep. I am going to go to bed and hopefully not wake up when Matador stumbles in to crash on my couch. He will be in the city tonight hanging out with his cousin who is in from out or town. May the force be with him.

Good night and good luck.

CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

I went to the Cubs game on Thursday and they kicked ass. 12-4 kicked ass. I went with about 12 people from work and had a great time. I would love to tell you all about it but it is now 2am on Saturday and I am rat ass tired and still hungover from Thursday. So I will leave you with a bunch of great pictures.





























Saturday, August 04, 2007

Where the fuck are my pants?

Last night turned out almost as expected.

I drank a lot. Paid little. Saw a lot of women who didn't want to talk to me. Met the owner of a bar. Met another woman Horse Cock claims to have fucked. Might believe him. You wouldn't claim it if it weren't true. Offended at least one woman. Got ditched by my friend. Lost my cell phone. And drove drunk.

Now if only there was anal fisting involved the night would have been truly legendary.

Friday, August 03, 2007

The first part of Ignoramus is Ignor

And I have been ignoring this blog something awful. Yes indeedy. First there was the 4 day bender that had some legendary parts and I started to post about but the first hour of writing barely got me out of the house. And there was day 3 where there was sex in my house but not by me. And day 4 there was lots of drinking in a short period of time, and a little scrabble in a long period of time. And no sleep. And a lot of hangover the next day. And an invite for drinking that didn't pan out. Praise the lord for small miracles. Then there was several days of work in a row. Then there was Miami. Miami, full of drink and eat and women and hangovers and sun and food and drink and women and dominoes and drink and dancing and drink and women and hangovers and women and drink and laughing and they tell me there was golf but I think I was drinking with Wet Willie and his little cousin Fat Tuesday. And there was the airport. To this day I still proclaim that the worst place to be with a hangover other than mom's house is the airport. With it's noise and kids and people asking me questions. And waiting and hot airplanes.

And man just thinking about it is giving me a headache.

But we all know the cure for a headache.

But because sex is not quite available at this time, I will drink. For cheap they tell me. Which is good because I think I single-handedly supported the Miami economy last weekend. But I wouldn't want a single dollar back if it meant I had to trade a single memory.

Do you know who I am? Do you know why I am here?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

La chica (o no...)

Makes you think, don't it.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Who is paying for your rock and roll lifestyle

My liver and horse cock seems to be the answer.

I would love to tell you the tale but Horse cock just walk home the woman he met last night and is on my front stairs waiting on my front stairs to go to breakfast.


I am still drunk.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Mmmmmm.....Pizza

Just woke up at 8pm. Which is what happens when you work nights. It sucks because I don't work tonight. It doesn't suck because I was awakened by a call from the The Matador who is dragging his ass to the city, so drunkenness if not hilarity will ensue. And most likely drunken hilarity which is the best kind. So if you are one of my two readers and you know where the best drink specials are in Chicago tonight you will have to let me know. We will probably start at Piece, which is the coolest pizza place in town if not the best. Garlic chicken pizza. Mmmmmmmmmm. Tastes way better than it sounds. I am normally a classic red sauce and meat pizza kind of guy buy this is good eatin'. And they brew their own beer if you're into that kind of thing.

The only thing I managed to accomplish today is to wake up for and stay awake long enough for the cable guy to show up and install my very own cable internet. Yay! About fucking time I stopped freeloading and paying my own way on this ride we call the internet. The guy showed up only an hour into the 4 hour window which was nice, and seemed to be an earnest hardworking fellow instead of the normal creepy guys they send to put in your cable. All seemed to going well, he figured out where he was going to put the cable and then proceeded to drill in to my wall and was moving the drill in and out presumably to make the hole bigger when the drill got stuck. Stuck. In my wall. He tried to move it forward and back, the motor whining it's high pitched what the fuck are you doing to me whine until smoke started to come out of the drill. He gave it a 3 second rest and tried again. More smoke. Luckily the window was open in the room so the smoke could get out of the room so as not to kill us with noxious fumes. I asked if he could disconnect the bit from the drill. He paused and said oh then I could knock it through with a hammer. I am glad we are thinking. I regret leaving the room because I didn't see how he finally got it out but needless to say I have cable internet and am free to roam and scour porn to my heart's delight. Because as we all know the Internet is for Porn.

Second call from Matador. He is 30 minutes out, time to call for pizza. We are eating here because it is Karaoke night at Piece, and I'd rather poke my eyes out than listen to karaoke.

Thanks for playing.