Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Another day without laundry

I am going to be one naked mother fucker if I don't do laundry soon. And I don't even plan on doing it myself. All I gotta do is sort it and drop it off at Spin Cycle, but no I can't even get my shit together enough to do that.

Well I stayed up all night watching American Gangster. I think I expected more but it was still a good flick. I would probably watch it again. I was partially distracted by the fact that my Sony DVD player won't play any of the discs in the GANGSTERS collection but my cheap ass Audiovox portable DVD player will. Fortunately I found the A/V cables and was able to watch it on my TV instead of the 10' screen. That would have really pissed me off. So Brother, or anyone else out there if you have a solution let me know so I don't have to return these damn things. I am not even sure they will take them back now that they are opened.

So I gotta get my self to work so this is all you get. Adios.


I just bought this....

I guess I'm not getting sleep tonight.

Last Friday

It is not unusual for me to wake up feeling like I have been hit by a truck. It is unusual however for that feeling to go away after I get out of bed. This is probably the best feeling I have had in the morning for a difficult to remember how long time. Having a good evening last night may have something to do with it. That and drink at a pace of less than 4-5 drinks an hour helps too.

Shaft and wife met me out for dinner last night. I haven’t seen either of them since I lost my money playing poker at Shaft’s 2 months ago. Shaft’s wife (SW) is good and pregnant. 5 ½ months I believe. Which means she wasn’t drinking. Which means she was a lot less animated or interested than usual.

I also invited a woman I will call Belisima. Belisima and I work together. Danger sign #1. When I met her she told me she is going through a divorce. Danger sign #2. Upon further discussion it appears that she has told her husband she wants a divorce but there are no lawyers or papers or final dates or any of that good stuff. Red Flags #3, 4, 5, etc. But does this stop me from inviting her to dinner last night. No, of course not. Yet again our hero goes running head first in the waiting jaws of a giant alligator.

So I make reservations for 6pm at N9NE Steakhouse. I spell it that way because they do. I have been wanting to go to this place for years and I was looking for a hip energetic place and this seemed like a good idea. I leave the house at 5:45 after waiting for 20 damn minutes for a cab. I called them back and they didn’t even have anyone on the way. So I jumped my ass into my car to discover I was riding on fumes so already late I stop at a gas station so I don’t have explain why my stupid ass is sitting on the side of the road out of gas a mile from the restaurant. I make it there by 6:10. I am the first to arrive. Belisima got stuck in traffic and arrived 2 min after I did. Shaft hadn’t even left the house yet when I had talked to him at 5 minutes to six. Imaginee that, the procrastination king being the first to arrive. All hail the king.

Nine has a really cool design and I love the round center bar. We drink, we talk, we flirt, we wait for Shaft and co. to show up. They do. Close to 7pm. We close out our bar tab and move to our table. $32 for 4 drinks. It’s gonna be a rough night on the wallet. Could be worse. Could be Miami.

It’s a steakhouse so I order the 12oz filet. I avoided the 16oz bone-in filet because I wasn’t sure if the extra 4ox I would be paying for was the bone or not. And I had been stuffing my face with bread and was ordering the ceasar salad. The only thing worse than getting a bad steak is getting a good steak and not being able to finish it. Not that I would let happen, but I certainly did not want to be so engorged that I was lethargic or uncomfortable. I was technically on a date you know. Speaking of my date, she had mentioned that she was going to get the lobster tail, but when she did Shaft made some comment like watch out she has expensive taste, or some such. I really didn’t hear it and didn’t pay much attention to it but when the ordering came she ordered the lobster risotto. I am not sure if she had truly changed her mind or if she ordered it because it was cheaper. I had already surrendered my menu and I didn’t know she had ordered the risotto until our waiter had vanished. The waiters at Nine wear white blazer so as Shaft stated, “you know they don’t do any real work”. He pretty much was only responsible for taking our order and making sure we had plenty of drinks to ensure that we didn’t think tipping 20% on a zillion dollar bill was a bad idea. There were apparently about 4 other servers assigned to our table to bring our food, take our empty plates, and to keep our waiter’s jacket clean.

The steak was good. I tried some of Shaft’s steak and the flavor was good but I still love the melt in your mouth buttery goodness of the filet. I never did taste any of Belisima’s risotto. She said it was good. I hope so. I really would prefer my date to order something more expensive to ensure that she had a good meal. My love of good food is way stronger than my love of money. Obviously, or my waist would be thinner and my savings would be fatter.

Shaft and I are apparently like little school girls because we spent half the time talking and joking with each other, ignoring the women at the table. But I am not the kind of guy who shows up with a date and then ignores his friends. That kind of shit pisses me off. Belisima seemed to be having fun watching us two fools act up.

I expected Shaft’s Wife to be all over Belisima like Barbara Walter’s on a prime time special. Where do you work, how do you know Dave, how long have you been banging him, etc. I don’t know if it was the pregnancy making her tired or the lack of alcohol keeping her conservative, but it turned out to be Shaft who asked all the questions. When he asked who she lived with I felt a definite decrease of oxygen in the room but I don’t think Shaft or wife noticed for the brief seconds before she said me and my kids. She has two, 6 and 3. Shaft gave me shit saying that it must be hard to put up with my shit at work.

Then came the piece de resistance of dinner. Dessert. I had this banana ice cream cake that I swear made me come a little. SW ordered the same thing and seemed to be having a few orgasmic moments of her own. Belisima ordered some small choclate cake something or other and I cannot for the life of me remember what shaft ordered. But we were all a little weak kneed after the experience.

The only flaw in the service the entire night was that it took them forever to bring the check after we finished dessert. That and I ordered ice wine with my dessert but never received it. I still haven’t checked the bill to see if I got charged for it or not. Bastards.

Shaft and wife called it a day and Belisima and I moved to the bar. I ordered another drink, Belisima did not. I wanted to go up stairs to ghost bar but there was a private party and we had to wait 20-30 minutes before we could go up. It was about 9:40 at this point and B originally said she had to leave by 10pm. She said she would wait. 40 min and 2 drinks later we went up stairs. I have to admit the coolest thing about ghost bar is it’s logo. Everything else was a complete disappointment. The upstairs was exactly was the same as the down. Somehow I figured, different name, different d├ęcor. No such luck. The was an area of the bar where you could look down on the restaurant that was cool but not unique by any means. The did have some lights in the ceiling pointed at the wall and were shaded by what appeared to be old time black and white pictures on film so that they were projected onto the wall. But some of them were bent or not positioned properly so the picture was shortened or barely visible.

We talked for almost 3 hours. About this, about that, about music, about her favorite song. And soon after mentioning it, Low came on, and she came to life. This was the high point of my night. It is the closest I have ever come to getting a lap dance from a girl I know. I was gonna say dating but I don’t even know if we’ve hit that level yet. But it was hot. I swear if I smiled any bigger the rest of me would have disappeared like the Cheshire cat. I wanted to look around the room to see if anyone else noticed but I refused to break eye contact on the chance it might end. I am now in love with that song and officially in lust with that girl. To say the least the next thing on the agenda is to take her dancing.

We talked some more and the waitress would come back every thirty minutes or so to ask if I wanted another drink. I think that is the first time in my life that didn’t piss me off. I am usually looking for the waitress after 13 minutes. That night I didn’t even notice. They closed at 12:30 because the crowd was thinning and there were no new customers coming in. I told Belisima she was a cute pumpkin, seeing as she had missed her self imposed curfew.

Upon leaving we struck up a conversation with a gay hair dresser and Belisima and I got hit on by the same 47 year old woman.

At some point I remembered that I had my camera and had not gotten pictures of Shaft, his wife and peanut their expectant child. So I took pictures of me and Belisima. It wasn’t until I saw those pictures on her camera that I realized that she was too pretty for me.

So I had to give her a mustache.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Jimmy Answers

"If you take from me something I love expect me to take from you something you love."

And in case there wasn't enough fucking go on....

She's Fucking Seth Rogen

Friday, February 22, 2008

Aren't you glad that everyone doesn't break up like this

She was a raging bitch in School of Rock but I still love Sarah Silverman

Even if she is fucking Matt Damon

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Lazy Bastard Strikes Again

Slept till 3pm. Have done very little since. Gonna jump in the shower and head over to Momma's place. The folks are getting old enough that they need someone else to change lightbulbs for them. I don't mind, it is way better than the thought of them up on a chair or a ladder. Can you spell disaster?

On a happier note, I have a date on Friday. With a technically married woman. Eek! We'll see how that plays out.

Hot Latina called and left a message yesterday apologizing for being a bad friend. It sounded like she was almost crying. I can't figure out if she is apologizing for the incident or for avoiding me since.

I am listening to Me & Mr. Jones and it includes the line "What kind of fuckery is this". I am in love.

I haven't found my slump buster yet but it seems things are looking up, but not quite as up as I hoped. In addition to Married Latina, and Hot Latina who is an emotional and issue filled wreck, I am pretty sure that the 20 year old cute-as-a-button Irish girl at work was flirting with me and mentioned she only dates older men. I am not sure if she realizes that her last older man is 10 years younger than I am.

I really got to get the Fuck out of dodge. I do promise to write at least something about Vegas in the next few days. I really need a laptop so I can take it with me on these misadventures.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


From Blood and Thunder

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
No. But I am looking for just the relationship part.

2) What was your dream growing up?
To be a lawyer. Or to rule the world.

3) What talent do you wish you had?
To be able to sing. Or anything musical for that matter, but singing would be on the top of the list

4) What do you think of Valentine’s Day?
Commercial Hogwash. But one of the two days of the year you are guaranteed to get laid if you are married, and don't fuck it up by making dinner reservations at the last minute.

5) Favorite vegetable?
Green beans. Boring I know

6) What was the last book you read?
Finished? The two books I am in the middle of right now are Hocus Potus and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.

7) What zodiac sign are you?
Evil Scorpio

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
Nope. The first thing the cops ask is did he have any indentifying marks or tatoos

9) Worst Habit?
Tardiness. Later than your last girlfriend's period, always.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
Are you hot?

11) What is your favorite physical activity? To partake of? (The mind-in-gutter response is obvious enough, thanks. So, your second favorite, please.)
Jogging, unless watching porn or playing scrabble are considered physical activity

12) Do you have an Optimistic attitude?
I am 49% optimist

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Are you hot? Seriously I would probably just make almost funny comment to distract me.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Divorce by far. It is like being in a plane crash and living.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
How do I pick that one from all the others?

16) Do you have any pets?
There is something growing in my refridgerator but I don't think that counts.

17) Best thing to ever happen to you?
My daughter

18) What was your first impression of me?

19) Best Habit?
I think I am too ADD to have any habits

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
I'd grow some damn hair.

21) Would you be my co-designer, tester, or sock eater? Some combination?
Was I just sexually propositioned?

22) What color eyes do you have?
Green. ish.

23) Ever been arrested?
Yep. Sorry you only get that one question.

24) Bottle or can soda?

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Fix my car pay down debt and put away the rest for a down payment.

27) What’s your favorite place to hang at?
Wrigley Field

28) Do you seriously believe we need more cowbell?
Can it be any other way?

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Scrabble. (We're ignoring that mind in the gutter thing again, right?)

30) What about your computer bothers you?
It is too damn slow

31) Craziest idea you’ve been entertaining the past few weeks?
Going to Spain despite the fact that I am rat ass broke.

32) If a genie would grant you a wish, but the genie granting you this wish only listened to the first word out of your mouth, what would that word be?
Love. I figure that won't get me killed or disfigured.

33) Romance? Interesting idea? Dated (haha) concept?
It works for Hallmark

34) If you could live anywhere in the world where would you chose?
An island. Populated by My chosen people.

35) What do you like more/find cute/friendly about your computer?
It's my best friend. Who wrote this shit?

36) Will you repost this so others can fill it out for you?
People barely read this blog. What are the chances they will interact?

Feel free to prove me wrong and fill it out in the comments?

Sunday, February 17, 2008

I'm torn

Between "about time" and "you gotta be fucking kidding me"

I first saw this picture on tony's site and just assumed it was just a picture.

Not a real fucking car.

The James Bond in every living male cries out for this but seriously are you going to spend $400,000 or more just to impress a girl. Because really what else are you going to use it for, you certainly aren't running from spies. The IRS maybe but not spies. And let's face if you have enough money to drop 400k on a car, she's already impressed. If you drive her home in anything better than a Pontiac Grand Prix, she's putting out.


But cool car though. Can I drive it? Or at least go live at that guys house? I am sure it is big enough that he won't find me for months. I'll just pay the staff $50 a week and they wont rat me out.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Here we go

Written on Feb. 4 but cab showed up before I could get the pics up. Expect the next few posts to be out of chronological order.

Leave for Vegas in 3 hours. Would be a little more pumped if I wasn't so hung the fuck over. Yesterday was The Matador's birthday and we have been celebrating since Sat night.

Last night there was drinking, football, drinking, joking around, drinking, hot chicks and more drinking.

I gotta call a cab so I will leave you with pictures.

Two cuties

Tricked into

smelling Matt's armpit

Amyl Nitrate and her crash helmet- we make her wear it after 3 beers

Matador in honor of turning 30 retires his nipple ring and then shows his ringless nipples to the world

Drunk Matador

Really Drunk Matador

PS- That's his roomate's floor.

Out of the mouths of Babes

Ain't that the truth.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

18 min before I am late for work

Which means no shower for me. Disfortunadamente, the chances of anyone smelling my crotch are slim to none so the washing up of my upper body earlier in the day will suffice.

Happy VD to any one who wants it.

Didn't win the lotto.

Didn't write about my trip to Vegas or even come close to putting pics from Vegas on the comp.

Didn't smack Matador hard enough for not keeping in Vegas what happened in Vegas. Sure I plan on telling the whole damn world about it on this blog but not anyone I know personally.

Did buy Monkey a V-Day card but her G-mom kidnapped her and I didn't even get to see her today.

Didn't mail off the renewal form for my license. Part of me hopes it doesn't go through so I can have a few days off. Of course this means I won't be able to pay my bills and I'll get evicted and have to live on your couch. But I'm sure worse things have happened to both of us.

I have Windows media player on shuffle and it just went from Johnny Cash to Gypsy Kings. Nice.

I hope to have a good weekend.

I hope to work out tomorrow.

I hope to feel better.

I hope to be able to beat the shit out of someone without repercussions.

I hope someone other than me reads this.

I hope I have time to stop for food.

Eight min to go.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

In the meantime...

I have written half a post but currently have lost interest in posting it. I am off the weekend so I should get it out there before I leave for VEGASS on monday.

In the meantime enjoy this hilarious post. I hope to be at least half this drunk all the time in Vegas.

I am off to drink a beer and watch a bad movie.