Good Dave Bad Dave

I just found this in my files titled, you guessed it Good Dave Bad Dave

It is a IM convo between me and my beloved Whatsername. I wish she would post more. This cracked me up. I know it is dreck but if you read far enough it is funny as shit.
It occurred approximately January of 2006


David says:
morning
$@R@|-| says:
sup hookah
David says:
on the phone with red
$@R@|-| says:
sex-cellente
David says:

$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:

David says:
lol
David says:
lol
$@R@|-| says:
brb makin de bed
David says:
otay
$@R@|-| says:
otay back

You have just sent a Nudge!

$@R@|-| says:
DAVE DAVE DAVE
David says:
2 minutes
$@R@|-| says:
I get to watch a show called TittyBangBang
David says:
sweet
$@R@|-| says:
it's not pr0n though
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
i think you can watch this show online ill see if i can find it and send you the link
David says:
otay
David says:
not porn whats up with that
$@R@|-| says:
its comedy!
David says:
did I send you the link for "The internet is for porn" or did you send it to me
$@R@|-| says:
you sent it to me
$@R@|-| says:
i dont forward stuff
David says:
it is characters from a fantasy game singing
David says:
I cant remember where I found it but it is hilarious
David says:
tony has a hot pic of Raymi up
David says:
your favorite goddess of the interweb
$@R@|-| says:
its up on three sites. old news yo
$@R@|-| says:
fil had it up then she posted it then tony did
David says:
otay thebn
$@R@|-| says:
heehee
$@R@|-| says:
ive seen her boobs almost as many times as ive seen mine
David says:
I have been looking at raymi because of the party they had, but normally I read her once a week
$@R@|-| says:
*nodnod*
David says:
you dont look at your boobs daily?
$@R@|-| says:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/broadband/mediawrapper/consoles/threeplayer/bb_rm_console.shtml?nbram=1&bbram=1
David says:
And I rarely if ever read fil
$@R@|-| says:
i look many times a day
David says:
YAY!
David says:
I love your pic
David says:
you're a retard but I love you
David says:
I need to attach that to all my emails
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
you should!
David says:
I may
David says:
can I make a pic my signature
David says:
?
$@R@|-| says:
im not sure
$@R@|-| says:
that lin kis the show. watch it
David says:
Where did you get that, it won't let me right click and save
David says:
and titty bangbang wont load
$@R@|-| says:
sec
$@R@|-| says:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/tv/tittybangbang/
$@R@|-| says:
see the blue box on the right a little way down?
$@R@|-| says:
the link is there
David says:
It went there but the video wouldn't load I will try this new link
David says:
I just turned down a shift at work
David says:
fuck and I need the money
$@R@|-| says:
you prolly need realplayer
$@R@|-| says:
why!?
David says:
but I am going to a free dinner at a great steak house
David says:
and I have plans with smiley after
David says:
and I haven't seen smiley in two weeks
David says:
I didn't get her a xmas present so I should at least keep my date
David says:
fuck
David says:
I need the mones
David says:
y
David says:
damn
David says:
should I cancel and take the shift
David says:
where di you go
$@R@|-| says:
im here im thinking about your dilemma
David says:
otay think
$@R@|-| says:
well
$@R@|-| says:
i dunno =/ how long till youd have to work?
David says:
9p
David says:
dinner is 6-8:30 so I would have to leave early
David says:
and I was supposed to meet smiley at 9
$@R@|-| says:
might be good to take the shift and plan something really good for smiley later
David says:
If I had seen her this week I wouldnt feel as bad but I havent seen her since Dec 26
$@R@|-| says:
true =/
$@R@|-| says:
i dont know what i would do, probably take the shift so i could afford to treat smiley
$@R@|-| says:
not that you cant but you know what i mean
David says:
I will be able to see her on the weekend but I hate to cancel plans
$@R@|-| says:
i totally understand
David says:
I will be spending borrowed money tonight
David says:
I should take the shift
David says:
half the fun of going to these dinners is the free drinks
David says:
although I hate drinkijng in front of dad
$@R@|-| says:
take the shift dave
David says:
fuck
David says:
i don't wanna
$@R@|-| says:
she will understand!
David says:
maybe
$@R@|-| says:
she will
David says:
I was in a good mood a few minutes ago
$@R@|-| says:
aaw
$@R@|-| says:
youll still get a sweet ass dinner before!
David says:
but I will have to leave early
David says:
and take my car
David says:
which means $10-$20 for parking
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
=(
$@R@|-| says:
i dunno what to tell ya
David says:
I am I an idiot if I dont' take the shift
David says:
fuck I know I should take it
David says:
I am going to take a shower
$@R@|-| says:
ok have a think about it
David says:
have a drink about it
David says:
that
David says:
s a great idea
$@R@|-| says:
not f youre gonna go to work!
$@R@|-| says:
dave!
David says:
hehe
$@R@|-| says:
you sew people!
David says:
it's settled then
David says:
pass my drink
David says:
sewing is easy
David says:
remembering to order the right drugs or tests maybe not so much
$@R@|-| says:
bad dave!
David says:
bad dave is sooo good
$@R@|-| says:
rawr
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
you like bad dave
David says:

David says:
a lot
David says:
bad dave to the rescue
David says:
bad dave has no guilt
$@R@|-| says:
i think youre gonna be drinking to night hehe
David says:
fuck I gotta buy condoms
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
and change the damn sheets
$@R@|-| says:
>.<
David says:
I like smiley
$@R@|-| says:
=)
David says:
sometimes I feel bad that I am seeing these other girls
David says:
it's a good thing only bad dave goes out with them
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
/faceplam
$@R@|-| says:
FACE PALM DAMMIT >.<
David says:
good dave stays at home and reads the bible
David says:
/facepalm
$@R@|-| says:
damn you need to take good dave out
David says:
what is that
David says:
good dave would go to work
$@R@|-| says:
its when someone says stuff like you and you bury your face in your hand
$@R@|-| says:
make the gesture youll know what im talking about
David says:
I know
David says:
I haven't made any promises to anyone
David says:
do you think it is okay to date more than one person until you find the one
David says:
I'll take that as a no
$@R@|-| says:
well, as long as youre not a dick about it...and open about it
$@R@|-| says:
i dont see why not just dont lead anyone on
David says:
yeah I don't lie
$@R@|-| says:
wouldnt htink youd be the type to
David says:
I am not the kind of guy who would be all your the one I love you while dating other people
$@R@|-| says:
good on ya
David says:
even bad dave has that much of a conscience
David says:
that is why I could never be a true playa
$@R@|-| says:
bad dave might be bad but hes not a penis
David says:
he has one though
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
haha
David says:
he likes it too

David says:
and he likes that others like it
David says:

$@R@|-| says:

David says:
I gotta shower
David says:
I am an ass
$@R@|-| says:
go warsh yer arse
David says:
I was just asking for more hours yesterday
David says:
and these fall in my lap
David says:
in dec I turned down two shifts
$@R@|-| says:
well depends on how strapped for cash you wanna be this month =/
David says:
one cause I was lazy and one because I hate hte Dr that was on that day
David says:
but I wasn't short hours in Dec
David says:
now I am short
David says:
fuck
$@R@|-| says:
you gonna be okay for rent and bills if you dont take this shift?
David says:
I hope this other PA gives up her shift on Thursday
David says:
barely
David says:
fuck omatid
$@R@|-| says:
well
David says:
omatic
David says:
don't say it
$@R@|-| says:
i dunno =/
David says:
bad dave wants a drink
$@R@|-| says:
when did bad dave drin klast
David says:
last tues
David says:
one week
David says:
yay for good dave
David says:
yay for bad dave
David says:
yay for dave
David says:
I wanna drink
David says:
I am an ass
David says:
fuck
$@R@|-| says:
ok i know i know i know
David says:
I hate knowing right from wrong
$@R@|-| says:
get a piece of paper
David says:
no
David says:
I already know what will win
$@R@|-| says:
and put good dave on one side, draw a line down the middle then put bad dave
$@R@|-| says:
list the goods and the bads
David says:
ok
David says:
then
$@R@|-| says:
if there are more good you take the shift
David says:
good and bad what
$@R@|-| says:
reasons to wrk and reasons to play
$@R@|-| says:
be honest!!!!
David says:
reasons to take the shift
$@R@|-| says:
yes
David says:
the good column is
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
mnoney
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
money
David says:
etc
David says:
money
David says:
bad column
David says:
good food
David says:
free drink
David says:
smiley's face
David says:
smiley playing pool
David says:
more drink
$@R@|-| says:
(in a lowcut top)
David says:
which I would have to pay for
David says:
nice
David says:
but I dont think she does
David says:
but it is a nice thought
$@R@|-| says:
well, really...will you make all your bills if you miss this shift?
David says:
I will have to get a pic
David says:
no but I won't make all my bills if I take the shift
David says:
I would need like three shifts
$@R@|-| says:
well what if you skip this one and take every other shift offered from here until the end of the month
David says:
but I dont know how many shifts will come up
$@R@|-| says:
true
David says:
I am hoping the other PA will give up thurs
$@R@|-| says:
maybe you should try and get your bills paid and play on your next day off
David says:
her mom in law is real sick
$@R@|-| says:
oh oh oh
$@R@|-| says:
let her know that if she needs to go youll definitely take her shift
David says:
that is the problem
David says:
I could tell smiley thurs instead of today but then I may have to work thurs also
$@R@|-| says:
she mightfeel better knowing she is covered
David says:


$@R@|-| says:
when is your next scheduled day off?
David says:
I offered yest
David says:
thurs
$@R@|-| says:
sheeet!
David says:
then I work the whole weekend
David says:
but I will be able to see smiley on the weekend cause I only work until 9p
$@R@|-| says:
i thin kyou should go with your gut. really. when you walk out the door seee where you go
David says:
but I have two other womens who want to see me
$@R@|-| says:
whore!
David says:

David says:

David says:
you love me
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
hehe
David says:

David says:
where do you find these guys
$@R@|-| says:
random
David says:
are these part of the normal smileys?
$@R@|-| says:
nope
$@R@|-| says:
this guy i know gets a bunch of em and i steal em
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
there is no way MS sanctions p e c ke r boy
$@R@|-| says:
newp
David says:
I like the ronnie one
David says:
sec
David says:
brb
$@R@|-| says:
k
$@R@|-| says:
DAMMIT i missed CSI miami
David says:
damn
David says:
you need tivo
$@R@|-| says:
no i need aall the seasons on DVD
David says:
my brother and I got it for the folks and it is so cool
David says:
I want it
David says:
it is almost as good
$@R@|-| says:
miami is my favourite by CSI NY is cool...gorier though
David says:
i love TV on DVD
$@R@|-| says:
i also want Scrubs on dvd
David says:
I hate waiting a week to see something
David says:
season 2 is out
$@R@|-| says:
i dont i lik watching tv
David says:
i have only seen 1 or 2 episodes
$@R@|-| says:
scrubs is my new fave
David says:
it's funny
$@R@|-| says:
but i never woulda watched it in the states
David says:
some one at work recently said it is just everbody having sex with everyone else
$@R@|-| says:
naaah
$@R@|-| says:
its comic genius
David says:
has it turned it to that
David says:
I didnt' think so
$@R@|-| says:
theres sex but thats not all it is
David says:
I like the episode where the intern thought flashing a guy brought him back to life
$@R@|-| says:
i havent seen that one
David says:
I caught the second half
$@R@|-| says:
i can say that any ep with the one doctor...the um...the oe who gave all the youger doctors nicknames...hes my favourite
David says:
it wont let me copy your profile pic
David says:
send it to me
David says:
pleeeeeeeeeeeeese

The file you attempted to send has been detected as potentially unsafe and was not sent.

David says:
the mean guy
$@R@|-| says:
fucks sake sec
David says:
tall thin
$@R@|-| says:
yes i LOOOVE him
$@R@|-| says:
he cracks me up
David says:
I dont' know his name but he is funny
David says:
I didn't know he gave them nicknames
David says:
I don't see it enoght
David says:
enough
$@R@|-| sends:


$@R@|-| says:
he calls em Newbie and barbie and stuff

Transfer of "retardav.jpg" is complete.

David says:
I gotta get ready one drink coming up
$@R@|-| says:
have a good time
David says:
I am listening to My United States of Whatever
David says:
so you know it is on now
$@R@|-| says:
yeeeeaaaaah! bad dave!
David says:
I gotta shower shave iron a shirt and get condoms before dad shows up
$@R@|-| says:
get going!!!!
$@R@|-| says:
and be careful driving dammit!
David says:
I am driving dad's car down town (that will be after only one drink) after that it is all smiley all the time
$@R@|-| says:
k
$@R@|-| says:
*points*
David says:
I am a good boy
$@R@|-| says:
good
David says:
I try not to drive after drinking
$@R@|-| says:
excellent
David says:
have a drink with me
David says:
we haven't drunk chatted in a long time
$@R@|-| says:
lemme go grab a coke
$@R@|-| says:
i know! omg
David says:
I even have SoCo in the house for the first time in months
$@R@|-| says:
i try not to drink alone anymore i make myself too sick the next day
David says:
just drink one or tow
David says:
wheres nick
$@R@|-| says:
he's sleeping..not feeling well
David says:
oh
$@R@|-| says:
im trying to be quiet
David says:
its like 10 there right
$@R@|-| says:
hafl ten
$@R@|-| says:
half ten*
David says:
yeah sumptin like that
David says:
430 here
$@R@|-| says:
ie 10 30
David says:
i know
$@R@|-| says:
i like half ten better
David says:
im crazy not stupid
David says:
me
David says:
too
David says:
ok gonna quick post
David says:
after I pour a drink
$@R@|-| says:
oh shut up! i dunno who i gotta splin stuff to
David says:
bad dave in the house
$@R@|-| says:
bad dave gonna get hurt
David says:
but it hurts so good
David says:
drink is poured time for
$@R@|-| says:
you say that now
David says:
your daily dose of
David says:
ADD
$@R@|-| says:
ok go post. get your shit ready
$@R@|-| says:
cheers
David says:
thank you
David says:

$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
and dont forget to copy/paste
David says:
thank you
$@R@|-| says:
now its time to pee, get a coke and some chockies. back in a mo
David says:
otay
$@R@|-| says:
did you see my new toy?
David says:
you got a vibrator
David says:
?
$@R@|-| says:
no!
$@R@|-| says:
i wouldnt tell you about that you ass
David says:
i tell you everything
$@R@|-| says:
girls gotta have her secrets
David says:
if I get a new vibrator you are the first person I am telling
$@R@|-| says:
SWEET
David says:
whether you like it or not
$@R@|-| says:
i think what i got is better than a vibrator though
David says:
red wants to go to an adult toy shop
$@R@|-| says:
ooOOoo
$@R@|-| says:
that could be fun
David says:
she has never masturbated
David says:
so she say
$@R@|-| says:
i didnt till i was like 22
David says:
really
$@R@|-| says:
so shes prolly telling the truth
David says:
I may get her to masturbate at 21
$@R@|-| says:
nnot as easy for a girl we have to go digging
David says:
oh I think she is
David says:
not really the important shit is on the outside
$@R@|-| says:
i was never really interested in that shit anyway when i was growing up
David says:
she says she used to watch porn alot when she was away for college
David says:
how can you watch porn and not masturbazte
David says:
isn't that the point
$@R@|-| says:
easy you just dont
$@R@|-| says:
i dunno
David says:
okazy
$@R@|-| says:
im not big on pr0n
David says:
i know
David says:
but Im a guy
$@R@|-| says:
heehee
$@R@|-| says:
NO!
$@R@|-| says:
you dont say!
David says:
and although I am not into it as much as other guys
David says:
I still think the point is to get turned on and take care of business
$@R@|-| says:
some guys are fuckin freaks
David says:
although other guys will watch it from beginning to end
$@R@|-| says:
YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT MY NEW NON SEXUAL TOY IS DAVE
$@R@|-| says:
i saw one where the pr0n stars were ailiens..it was dumb as hell
David says:
I watch it until I take care ofd business then I turn it off
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
a digi camera
David says:
?
David says:
I haven';t been to your site since the weekend
David says:
a new boyfriend
David says:
a shotgun
$@R@|-| says:
-.-
$@R@|-| says:
oh you got it first guess
David says:
a pointed bra
$@R@|-| says:
a new cam
David says:
i is smart like that
$@R@|-| says:
Nick bought it for me!!!!
David says:
ooooh oooooh now you can take nudie pics
David says:
of someone else of cours
$@R@|-| says:
i could before but im not gonna
David says:
e
$@R@|-| says:
he wont let me!
David says:
I don't wanna see
David says:
you
David says:
I gotta drink with you someday
$@R@|-| says:
no you dont i need to work out
$@R@|-| says:
ooh yes!
$@R@|-| says:
ill be in the staes in march
David says:
and you dont want me to have that image in my head when I am drinking
$@R@|-| says:
ill just punch you in the face
David says:
bad dave might see it
$@R@|-| says:
both of you
David says:
I cant; believe you just said that
$@R@|-| says:
believe it sister
David says:
that's mean
David says:
I would never do anything to you
$@R@|-| says:
i know
David says:
you should know me better than that
$@R@|-| says:
i do!
$@R@|-| says:
im just a biatch
David says:
I might make out with other chicks while you are around
$@R@|-| says:
fine with me
David says:
but I figured you would cheer me on
$@R@|-| says:
ooh ooh
$@R@|-| says:
we could so have a blogger party!
David says:
I will just tell them I am a porn star and you are my camera person
David says:
I think the pants is leaving town
David says:
have you read her recently
$@R@|-| says:
i dont wanna see you anked dave!
$@R@|-| says:
no
$@R@|-| says:
not recently
David says:
Focus on her
$@R@|-| says:
she seemed really nice but a little wild for me
David says:
but I wouldn't have you actually do it but it would explain why I am with a girl I am not dating
$@R@|-| says:
im your wingman dave
David says:
and it would let her know exactly where I stand
David says:
you got to read her
David says:
she is an escort
David says:
as in
David says:
ESCORT!
$@R@|-| says:
OMG
David says:
holy fuck a moley
$@R@|-| says:
holy shit i never knew
David says:
I couldn't bellieve it
David says:
just now
$@R@|-| says:
jesus christ
David says:
only for the past week
David says:
she said she is doing it before she leaves town
$@R@|-| says:
dang
David says:
but I don't know where she is going
David says:
fuck I should be posting
David says:
showering
$@R@|-| says:
POST!!
David says:
shaving
$@R@|-| says:
omg its my fault
David says:
buying condoms
$@R@|-| says:
go dave go! ill be here
David says:
even though I prolly wont use them tonight
David says:
otay
$@R@|-| says:
better safe...off with ye!
David says:
oh by the way btw as they say
$@R@|-| says:
i know btw
David says:
drinking on an empty stomach is a bad Idea
$@R@|-| says:
i know
David says:
I know but I apparently dont' cause I didn't think of it
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
BAD dave
David says:
until after I typed out by the way
David says:
cause I am a dork
David says:
who is buzzed after one drink
David says:
which is very unusual for my
David says:
me
David says:
I poured strong though
$@R@|-| says:
it happens to the best of us
David says:
which is very usual for me
$@R@|-| says:
oh daaaave
David says:
I gotta post and pour another drink
$@R@|-| says:
what am i gonna do with you
David says:
it is so cold in here
David says:
will you warm me up
$@R@|-| says:
go post! sign out of MSN and post
David says:
hehe
$@R@|-| says:
soco will wrm you up
David says:
boot to the head
$@R@|-| says:
boot to the arse
David says:
and one for jenny and the wimp
David says:
oooooh i like that
David says:
I am going to be loaded before dad shows up
David says:
thats bad
David says:
bad dave bad
David says:
good ubu
$@R@|-| says:
dave
$@R@|-| says:
go post
David says:
you love me
$@R@|-| says:
maybe
David says:
posting about the sexiest girl on the interweb
David says:
you
$@R@|-| says:
aaaw
David says:
I love that term but I dont' use it cause I dont' want to steaal from tony
$@R@|-| says:
someday ill get my pic up on tony's site...only ill be dressed
David says:
you gotta show something
David says:
a lttle leg
David says:
back belly
$@R@|-| says:
tummy
David says:
fay mow sent me a good dimple pic
David says:
gotta post that right now
$@R@|-| says:
oh was that her the heart?
$@R@|-| says:
ah!
$@R@|-| says:
DAVE go post
David says:
i think faymow is a guy
$@R@|-| says:
*shrug*
David says:
but the heart was rescue babe
$@R@|-| says:
aaw
$@R@|-| says:
ill tell ya one thing before you go...
$@R@|-| says:
that ethneos and his/her sacral whatever shit...i want to slap their face off
$@R@|-| says:
its annoying. im the oly one whos allowed to be annoying on yur blog
David says:
she posted it on her site too so I guess I could have identified he r but I forgot to ask before i posted so I didn't
David says:
fuck him and his sacral dimples
$@R@|-| says:
prolly better you dont so she doesnt get bad raffic
David says:
I am going to call them ass dimples
$@R@|-| says:
i call em thumbrests
David says:
or thumb rest of the day
David says:
if he doesn't cut it out
$@R@|-| says:
back dimples is ine though
$@R@|-| says:
doo eet!
$@R@|-| says:
ethneos is a fucking dopehead anyway he can fuck off
David says:
red has thumbrests but she is so skinniy I cant feel them in teh dark
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
go post before i hurt you
David says:
her bdy type is like blondie who is an ex girlfriend but blondie was athletic and was toned and firm
David says:
red is kinda soft
David says:
i dont like that as much
$@R@|-| says:
cant be that bad though
David says:
i am so buzze di cnat believe it
$@R@|-| says:
long as she doesnt jiggle everywhere
David says:
no
$@R@|-| says:
DAVE
David says:
sex last time was really good
David says:
getting better
David says:
i met this other girl
David says:
will you lose respect for me if I tell you things
$@R@|-| says:
no dave, but i will if youre late again
David says:
fuck it is 5pm
$@R@|-| says:
you can tell me whatever you want im a locked box
David says:
dad is on the phone
$@R@|-| says:
heehee
David says:
fuck dad is on schedule so I will have to shower and not post
David says:
I am having another drink though
$@R@|-| says:
ok
David says:
I hope I dont mak an ass of myself
David says:
much
David says:
I still hate that smiley
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
almost as much as I hat e this one
David says:
I like that guy but it is not me
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
well lets worry about that later. GO WASH YOUR NUTSACK AND IRO YER SIRT
David says:
even this guy looks dorky
$@R@|-| says:
heehee
David says:
hehe you said nutsack
$@R@|-| says:
yup!
David says:
I am going to plan to go to ireland in 07
David says:
will you come south to see me
$@R@|-| says:
im in northern ireland.
$@R@|-| says:
no
David says:
why
$@R@|-| says:
you have to coe north. its better here
David says:
come to Ireland and I will come back to NI with you
David says:
you gotta see dublin
$@R@|-| says:
well see when the time comes
David says:
that means no
David says:
i know better
$@R@|-| says:
Nick says its shit
David says:
becasue he grew up in NI
David says:
they hate each other
David says:
he grew up during the troubles
$@R@|-| says:
and we'll see doesnt mean no! i cant say where the fook ill be in 07!
David says:
my g-mom would roll over in her grave if she knew i was even talking to someone who was even just staying in NI
$@R@|-| says:
shes prolly spinnin right now
David says:
The people in I hate NI more than NI hates I
David says:
that would be funny
$@R@|-| says:
yeah so mor reason for me to NOT go there
David says:
anyway my nutsack awaits
$@R@|-| says:
go!
David says:
not anymore
David says:
the young folk dont' give a shit
David says:
and if you haven't noticed
David says:
you re american, dork
$@R@|-| says:
so?
David says:
they like us
$@R@|-| says:
yeah but im bad and i am gonna coe live here forever
David says:
it is a beautiful country
David says:
both sides
$@R@|-| says:
yep
David says:
and how can you go to any part of Ireland and not stop in dublin
David says:
I gotta go
$@R@|-| says:
by not going to ireland
$@R@|-| says:
dave youre awful!
David says:
NI is still part of Ireland no matter what the fucking politicians say
David says:
I am beautiful
David says:
I am fantastic
$@R@|-| says:
youre awful! and late!
David says:
I am the lover of all things
David says:
I am bad dave
David says:
!!!!!!
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
post a pic of your back dimples
David says:
remind me not to hit on the waitress in front of smiley
$@R@|-| says:
i need to go look in on Nick
$@R@|-| says:
DAVE!!!
David says:
my goal is now to get the number of the waitress at dinner
David says:
unless she is 50 years old
$@R@|-| says:
no its not!
David says:
yes dinner is with dad not smiley
$@R@|-| says:
well then do that but i gota go check on my sweetie
David says:
I am going to get a number at mortons if it xkills me
$@R@|-| says:
and your ass needs warshin
David says:
ok I am nuts right now but
David says:
i poured a drink remember
David says:
I will be good dave tomorrow
David says:
give him a big kiss
David says:
from me
$@R@|-| says:
i will!
$@R@|-| says:

$@R@|-| says:
have a good time
David says:
but it if it is anywhere but on the cheek
David says:
it is from you ok
$@R@|-| says:
k
David says:
wuv you
$@R@|-| says:
wuv j00
David says:
i forgot about wavy guy
David says:
by
David says:
beyyeyeyeybb

David says:
he this is fum
David says:
fun too
$@R@|-| says:

David says:
now that is fum
David says:
fun
David says:

$@R@|-| says:
DAVE NAKED SHOWER GO!
$@R@|-| says:
do that on the way

Sweet, never short

I was planning on getting on line and ranting about some of the shit that is pissing me off lately, but unfortunately one of the things pissing me off is that I am awake when I should be sleeping and sleeping when I should be awake. One of the biproducts of this is that my laundry is still not done and although I would love to spend an hour on here spouting out a hilarious tirade about what is wrong with society, my desire to not to go to work commando style because I have no clean underwear is stronger and will have to leave you with this little tease.

PS- Tony is back. You should still tell him you love him, he likes that. If you are cute and female you can send him naked pictures, he REALLY likes that.

I think we've moved from off axis to upside down

Yesterday I posted about the temporary silence from the part of the universe known as tony pierce. (not capitalized on purpose} The silence continues. Early this morning at work The Matador said he read my post. It took me a second to remember what my post was about then I said "Can you believe it? Have you seen his web site?" "Are you kidding me," he replied "I checked it Thursday, Friday, and Saturday." Matador is one the the many converts to the religious experience that is tony pierce. He has been reading him daily since he found him through my blog. Sorry tony, I violated Rule #5. Actually my brother did. Matador had no idea I had a blog until my brother mentioned in front of Matador that he had read my blog the day before. It took Matador about a week to find it. It should have taken him 5 seconds, but he decided to Google all the wrong things before the light went on and he googled the most obvious.

But he has found it and through it tony pierce. He is at least the second. The illustrious Whatsername was the first. It is a shame she doesn't blog anymore, or at least not regularly. Not like I should talk.

I said to Matador, "At first I thought he lost his job at LAist, but he is still posting there" Matador replied, "No it would have to be something else, maybe his mom died." I stopped talking. I think I may have stopped breathing. My heart stopped, my jaw dropped and I started to walk away. Quietly I said, "I didn't even think of that." I kept walking. " Thank you for making me feel better". He didn't.

I hope nothing even remotely that disasterous has occurred in tony's life. I can't even image such a thing happening. My parents are quickly passing old into really old. Tony my prayers are with you. I hope your decision to stop posting is motivated by moving on to bigger and better things. Please up date us. You wouldn't believe how may people are thinking about you.

Now on to the reason I was reminded of that crappy conversation. Some did die. Someone I knew. I am to young for people I know to die. Last year a someone I knew from my childhood passed away and I attended the wake. I mentioned it in a post but kind of skipped over how it made me feel and left a light hearted attempt at humor instead. Humor seems to be the way I deal with just about everything.

On Thursday, Randy Orzada, a Chicago Fire Department Paramedic was killed. Mowed down by a passing car. He was forty three apparently. Some news sources have reported thirty three, but if memory of his age relative to mine is correct, forty three sounds about right.

Forty three however is way wrong for an obituary page.

The articles about him say the usual things, great uncle, good neighbor, but the truth is he was a Oh my God can he really be that nice, nice guy. I think anyone who ever knew him would have no problem describing him as Too Nice. Too Nice. Why do we think it is possible to be too nice. Like it's a bad thing. Too mean-bad. Too drunk-bad. Too spicy-sometimes bad. But too good, I think that is just a way to make ourselves feel better. You're too good, don't be so good. That way I don't look so bad. Randy achieved to good and the world is better for it. Hopefully the rest of us eventually attempt to be better, and realize that if all of us did that we wouldn't have to say too good like it's an insult.

I am going to his wake tonight. I will see people I have not seen and years and that will be a happy thing. I will need it to balance out the sadness.

I am going to go contemplate the meaning of life the universe and everything now. I am always willing to share my thoughts but my feelings will cost you extra.

Please send a prayer to the Diety of your choice for Randy's family and friends that they be comforted.

Good Night and Good Luck.

Don't you hate when the Earth falls off it's axis

There are very few constants in the universe.

The sun will rise in the East and set in the West
Gravity
The blinking 12:00 on the few VCRs that still exist
They will always screw you at the drive thru, especially at KFC
Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely
Someone else will win the lotto

AND.........

And tony pierce will post once if not twice a day. And he will always be funny as hell. Twice as funny if he is mad at someone/something.

Tony Pierce hasn't posted in 3 days. I have been following his blog for at least 2 years and I have never seen him go even a day without a post. He posts drunk, he posts drunk, he even posts when he should be in the other room doing beautiful things to a beautiful naked teenage girl. 3 days. It feels like I lost a friend. Tony and I didn't correspond much and I only met him once, but it was rare that his blog did not make me smile.

Please go see him and tell him you love him. Even if you don't know who he is. I would tell you to look at his archives but he removed the links. The bland background minimal layout shows no trace of the active, imaginative, exciting blog that used to occupy that address.

Tony come back.

Whassup

I am about to be late to work which is when I usually have the urge to put something down here. Lucky for me I don't have much to say. What I will tell you is that I have finished Season 3 part 2 of Entourage. I still can't say it is a great show but it is a good show and you should watch it. It really is how a group of guys interacts. Especially a group of guys who have come into some money. Each season finale has been fantastic and it is so worth watching the whole season to get there.

I have also discovered a new web site, www.livemocha.com Also not life changing, but if you want to learn or practice another language and don't have a lot of time or money this is the place. I am currently learning Spanish and Hindi. I think your other options are French, German, and Chinese. How cool is that.

Anyway time to go.

Explore the universe, you might find something you like.

Talk about procrastination

I can believe my last post was in August. A lot has happened since then. Alot of work, some very expensive drinking. The cubs fell apart on me. Crying. Ignoring Sox fans. Hung out with people I worked with 3 years ago and had a great time. There are pictures and such and if I ever stop avoiding things I need and want to do you will see them. Met a girl, talked to her for 2 hours, set up a dinner date, then called her the next day to find out that she gave me a disconnected number. I was happy about that.


But today we will talk about nonsense. Or at least something amusing. Hits generated by searches. The last three searches that led people to my site are

Picture of man walks in to glass- explain this one to me

Women like horse cock- from the Arabic Google no less. So the muslims can't have sex before marriage but they can look at a woman sucking on a horse's schlong while masturbating. Yep that makes sense.

Chick walks into a gynecologist- Doesn't the gynecologist usually walk into the chick? And I prefer the term gynechiatrist.


The next seven were:

Man walks into a bar with a chicken
Common bar shots
Wingman shots- You have to buy your wingman shots, why else would he hit on the fat chick
Waiting for my sweetheart- aren't we all
Juggs party
I have lost my common sense- I am glad I am not the only one
Mmmmm......Pizza- Apparently Homer has figured out how to use Google


I love the internet.

Waiting sweetheart, waiting

I have been sitting for a good ten minutes waiting for inspiration to hit me upside the head with frying pan, but as of yet she has not showed. I want to post more but have not had the urge to say anything in particular so I figured the only cure was to start typing. Maybe some day I'll be funny again. I certainly am funny looking.

I hope you enjoyed looking at the pictures I took at the game as much as I enjoyed taking them. I think I left out the part where after the game and after the dancing and most of my fellow coworkers jumped on the train to return to that hell hole they call Joliet, three of my friends and I went and kidnapped Brother and called and convinced Foti to meet us out at Easy Bar. Which is now by far my favorite bar in my neighborhood and possibly in the City. When we arrived it was only about 8pm or so so the place was empty and the bartender was a girl I have seen in there maybe once. We brought in burritos from Picante down the street and she didn't harass us even though EasyBar's kitchen was still open. I love how laid back they are there. And My good buddy Craig was working. Which was fun and painful at the same time because he loves doing shots as much as I love ordering them. And he doesn't charge me for them. Well not always anyway, but a free shot is always a good shot. We drank some more and then they started dropping like flies. First my friends from J-town then Brother. Foti stuck around for another hour because I can be persuasive like that. Any way we finally left and I ended up on Philarican's couch watching a movie because I wasn't ready to call it a day but I did know it was time to quit drinking which is good because I tend not to realize that point in time. But I am trying desperately to stop being late for work so I figured stopping drinking 8 hours before my shift started would be a good idea. Apparently an even better idea than I thought because I ended up waking up the neck morning still sitting upright on Philarican's couch. Somehow I woke up at 6:05 am without an alarm which is fantastic because I was due at work at 7am.


It is 11:38 and I think I am still recovering from Thursday and lack of sleep. I am going to go to bed and hopefully not wake up when Matador stumbles in to crash on my couch. He will be in the city tonight hanging out with his cousin who is in from out or town. May the force be with him.

Good night and good luck.

CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

I went to the Cubs game on Thursday and they kicked ass. 12-4 kicked ass. I went with about 12 people from work and had a great time. I would love to tell you all about it but it is now 2am on Saturday and I am rat ass tired and still hungover from Thursday. So I will leave you with a bunch of great pictures.

Where the fuck are my pants?

Last night turned out almost as expected.

I drank a lot. Paid little. Saw a lot of women who didn't want to talk to me. Met the owner of a bar. Met another woman Horse Cock claims to have fucked. Might believe him. You wouldn't claim it if it weren't true. Offended at least one woman. Got ditched by my friend. Lost my cell phone. And drove drunk.

Now if only there was anal fisting involved the night would have been truly legendary.

The first part of Ignoramus is Ignor

And I have been ignoring this blog something awful. Yes indeedy. First there was the 4 day bender that had some legendary parts and I started to post about but the first hour of writing barely got me out of the house. And there was day 3 where there was sex in my house but not by me. And day 4 there was lots of drinking in a short period of time, and a little scrabble in a long period of time. And no sleep. And a lot of hangover the next day. And an invite for drinking that didn't pan out. Praise the lord for small miracles. Then there was several days of work in a row. Then there was Miami. Miami, full of drink and eat and women and hangovers and sun and food and drink and women and dominoes and drink and dancing and drink and women and hangovers and women and drink and laughing and they tell me there was golf but I think I was drinking with Wet Willie and his little cousin Fat Tuesday. And there was the airport. To this day I still proclaim that the worst place to be with a hangover other than mom's house is the airport. With it's noise and kids and people asking me questions. And waiting and hot airplanes.

And man just thinking about it is giving me a headache.

But we all know the cure for a headache.

But because sex is not quite available at this time, I will drink. For cheap they tell me. Which is good because I think I single-handedly supported the Miami economy last weekend. But I wouldn't want a single dollar back if it meant I had to trade a single memory.

Do you know who I am? Do you know why I am here?

La chica (o no...)

Makes you think, don't it.

Who is paying for your rock and roll lifestyle

My liver and horse cock seems to be the answer.

I would love to tell you the tale but Horse cock just walk home the woman he met last night and is on my front stairs waiting on my front stairs to go to breakfast.


I am still drunk.

Mmmmmm.....Pizza

Just woke up at 8pm. Which is what happens when you work nights. It sucks because I don't work tonight. It doesn't suck because I was awakened by a call from the The Matador who is dragging his ass to the city, so drunkenness if not hilarity will ensue. And most likely drunken hilarity which is the best kind. So if you are one of my two readers and you know where the best drink specials are in Chicago tonight you will have to let me know. We will probably start at Piece, which is the coolest pizza place in town if not the best. Garlic chicken pizza. Mmmmmmmmmm. Tastes way better than it sounds. I am normally a classic red sauce and meat pizza kind of guy buy this is good eatin'. And they brew their own beer if you're into that kind of thing.

The only thing I managed to accomplish today is to wake up for and stay awake long enough for the cable guy to show up and install my very own cable internet. Yay! About fucking time I stopped freeloading and paying my own way on this ride we call the internet. The guy showed up only an hour into the 4 hour window which was nice, and seemed to be an earnest hardworking fellow instead of the normal creepy guys they send to put in your cable. All seemed to going well, he figured out where he was going to put the cable and then proceeded to drill in to my wall and was moving the drill in and out presumably to make the hole bigger when the drill got stuck. Stuck. In my wall. He tried to move it forward and back, the motor whining it's high pitched what the fuck are you doing to me whine until smoke started to come out of the drill. He gave it a 3 second rest and tried again. More smoke. Luckily the window was open in the room so the smoke could get out of the room so as not to kill us with noxious fumes. I asked if he could disconnect the bit from the drill. He paused and said oh then I could knock it through with a hammer. I am glad we are thinking. I regret leaving the room because I didn't see how he finally got it out but needless to say I have cable internet and am free to roam and scour porn to my heart's delight. Because as we all know the Internet is for Porn.

Second call from Matador. He is 30 minutes out, time to call for pizza. We are eating here because it is Karaoke night at Piece, and I'd rather poke my eyes out than listen to karaoke.

Thanks for playing.

Just another day

I slept for about twelve hours and am still procrastinating about getting stuff out of the basement. I am feeling quasi energized while writing so if I don’t lay down when I am finished with this I may actually get shit out of the basement so Philarican and her Momma don’t kick my ass. I have a blog post I have wanted to put up for a week but the weak inter5net has been fucking with me. I Go Live in 2 days with my very own cable internet. I am happy about that. Thursday is going to be a full on suck ass day. I work on Wed night until 6am then have to be in a dentist’s chair by 11:30am. Then have to be home by 1p to wait for the fucking cable guy. They gave me a 1p-5p window which I suppose is better than an all day window but still will suck. As soon as the anesthetic from the dentist wears off I will order Jimmy John’s and possible pour an alcoholic beverage if I can remember to buy some damn SoCo. Maybe I have some in the basement. I thought of that yesterday but was too damn lazy to check, so I drank Miller Lite instead. While watching The Break Up/. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. My brother said he liked it. He must be getting soft. It wasn’t’ necessarily a bad movie, it just wasn’t good.

It can always be worse

The only thing worse than going into kitchen to pour a drink and finding you have no mixers is going into your kitchen to pour a drink and finding you have no alcohol.

Can you please tell me why I answer the phone.

Can you please tell me why I can't say no to friends.

Can you please tell me why when someone call you with a request for help. That they can't even show up to help them.

Why when I change plans to help someone else I am the one that gets burned. Yes I was a little put out when I had to change to plans to hang out with friends I haven't seen in a week to try help a friend I haven't seen in two months stay out of trouble, whne i know he is going to get back into trouble later. I felt guilty for not wanting to help, but I didn't not hesitate in saying yes. I couldn't meet with him as soon as he wanted but logistics dictated that I stay where I was at until after rush hour. So I get up off my bar stool after dinner and multiple diet cokes when I wanted them to be filled with SoCo and drive an hour to get home to find that my "friend" who needs someone to hang with is nowhere to to be fucking found. He could at least call me back but Nooooooooooo. I get fucked for being a nice guy once again. Maybe I am not nice because I am pissed. Or maybe I am not nice becasue I am not driving around the city trying to find which bar he is drinking himself to death in. Maybe I am not nice because I think he has burned too many bridges and he needs to languish alone. When does being a friend and helping out turn into enabling? I don't know but I actually have similar situations with two friends I don't know what the right thing to do is.

On a lighter note and one of the few positive notes of my day, I beat the Matador at Scrabble.`

Karma bites me in the Ass - Revisited

Oringinally posted July 3, 2005.

If you read the comments you will know that I did not accomplish any of the things I wanted to do. Fell asleep and woke up somewheres around 5:30pm. Then fucked around on the computer and the internet from about 6p to 8p trying to figure out how to post a recorded message. I then finally got my S together and got on the road. Even though I was running late I did not go straight to work. Nope, I had to feed my tummy first. By the time I got on to the expressway it was about 8:30pm, and I figured I would be about 15 minutes late for work. No such luck.

9:04pm My car started to shudder a little and I realized horror of all horrors, I had run out of gas. The engine was still running but it would not go any faster no matter how hard I pushed on the gas pedal. Then I saw the tachometer drop to zero and I knew the engine had died. I was now down to about 60mph and dropping. I put on my flashers and moved onto the shoulder only to remember that there was one of those “wake up strips” on the side of the road. You know, those ridged bumps put there so when you fall asleep and start to ride off the road your tires make an annoyingly loud “BRRRRRRRPPPP” sound so as to wake you the fuck up before you kill yourself and have to explain to St. Peter why you are such a moron that you fell asleep behind the wheel and ran off the road. Speaking of morons behind the wheel, I had run out of gas and was now on the shoulder trying to avoid the strip that was slowing down my already grinding to a halt car on one side “BRRRRRRRPPPP”, and the edge of the pavement that gave way to grass and the ever ominous ditch on the other.

9:05pm I was able to coast almost a mile before coming to a complete stop. So I was now out of gas, late for work and stuck on the side of the interstate 11 mile from work and 1 mile from the next exit. So I grabbed my phone and car keys, got out of my car, and popped the truck to get my gas can. That was not there. Bastards. I had taken my gas can out of my old car when it died but apparently had neglected to move it in to the new car. I slammed the trunk closed and began to move on down the road.

9:07pm I had just dialed work and was just starting to explain what an idiot I am when a car slowed down, pulled on to the shoulder and stopped. So I quickly got off the phone with work, although I was very tempted to give my coworker the license plate number of the car, on the off chance that I was never heard from again. My instincts told me to do this but my inner need to always be polite talked me out of it. How would it look to the occupants of the car if I stopped 7ft from the car and started staring at the license plate? This is how I will end up dead someday. Because I didn’t want to offend some crazed serial killer. I did however give the car a wide bearth as I walked around the side of the car to be even with the front door. It was a relatively new car and it turned out to be a young Hispanic couple. Mid to late twenties, he may have been early thirties but she looked younger than him. I spent most of the time looking at the back of his head. She was shorter and her head did not come up above the head rest. He was very pleasant and talkative. It was very obvious that she did not speak at all the entire way to the gas station. She had given me a small polite smile when I had gotten into the car. She gave me a much bigger polite smile as I got out of the car.

I went into the GasCity and bought a gas can for $3.99, and I told the woman to charge me for a gallon of gas while she was at it, pump of her choice. She looked at me like I had a third eye. She then looked at her coworker, who apparently had some common sense and knew exactly what I meant. Girl #2 looked over my shoulder out the window and said put it on Pump #8. Girl #1 now giving Girl # 2 the third eye look says how. “2.29” was the reply. “2.29?” Yes. “On pump #8?” Yes. Where do they find these people? So I now have my gas can and change and walk back outside to get my gas and am greeted by Barry White’s “Can’t get enough of your love” blaring on the speakers out side for the entertainment and enjoyment of all pumping gas. I made me laugh and want to bust out into to a dance montage Ally McBeal style.

9:22pm I had gotten my 0.996 gallons of gas (even at a bajillion dollars a gallon, they still cheat you out of a little bit), crossed the six lane street, and had walked along the 1 foot shoulder and had made it back to the on ramp, actually the off ramp of the expressway with out being killed. So to celebrate I called the only person who could appreciate what a big dork I really am, That Drunk Girl. She found it very amusing. It set off a very fine conversation about the stupid things we have done. Like the quite hilarious drunk message she sent me the other night. (I still hope to post that). It helped the time pass quickly. I was soon at my car. She let me go so I could stop spilling gas on myself and she could change for the Bar-B-Que she was going to. Five hours earlier in Hawaii you know.

9:36 Gas in car. Me in the car. And now back at the top of the off ramp for the third time, going back to the gas station to fill up my tank. This time I paid at the pump, so I wouldn't have to look at the “I will never be anything but a gas station attendant” woman.

9:44 Tank completely full and in the turn lane to get back on the expressway. The song at the gas station was funny again but I can remember what it was. If I wasn’t frustrated and late for work I probably would have written it down in my PDA.

10:01pm Pulled into the parking lot at work. Instead of being fifteen minutes late (OK, twenty minutes late) I was a hour late. And I still needed to shave.

I got a lot of shit from people at work. Some people thought I had a flat tire. Now there is the telephone game in full effect for you. Others had started guessing at why I was really late. The most popular theory was that I got caught with a hooker in my car. One friend came to my defense saying I would have never gotten caught. Friends, gotta love ‘em.


Until then enjoy the holiday, and stay out of jail. I ain’t got the bail money.

Twenty minutes with Dave

Written at 1am this morning


There are things I want to write about but once again I do not have the energy or focus. So I will babble instead. It usually doesn’t take much energy, because I am not thinking, just turning on the faucet and letting stuff pour out.

Not that anyone will get to read this because my internet is giving me a hard time.
Actually my neighbor’s internet is giving me a hardtime. I have been riding on someone
else’s wireless internet since I moved in here just over 1 year ago. Approximately 1
month ago, I think just after the first of the month the neighbor who had been faithfully for a year, except for the occasional weekend where he apparently left town and shut off his computer, has moved and left me with sketchy at best internet from our other neighbors.

I made the decision just before going to Hawai’i to breakdown and pay for cable internet, but didn’t have enough time to have it set up before I left but was going to call as soon as I got home. Somehow I managed to come home yesterday and sleep for 18 hours straight. I woke up, got my haircut, ate lunch and then fucked around the apartment for a few hours. I did manage to straighten up the apartment and sort my laundry. I would have actually done my laundry but I got hungry and sent a text to Brother to see if he wanted to do dinner. At Shine, just sat down. Damn, another distraction to follow.

And follow it I did. I jumped in the shower and headed over. It took 45 minutes, and he was done eating but he had half a Sapporo left and was willing to sit. He actually ordered a few more pieces of sushi and another Sapporo. That is of course when we were finally able to order. If it wasn’t for the fact that I just returned from the land of No Worries I probably would have been good and pissed off that it took the waiter at least 10 minutes to bring me a menu and another 15 to take my order. Brother and I caught up while we waited. And he felt the need to point out every attractive woman that passed by the window. Interjecting the occasional “I love Lincoln Park” I have to admit I have lost interest in the under 23 set, and it should be the under 25 set but baby steps, baby steps, but brother apparently is quite enamored with every attractive woman over the age of 18.

The sushi was good but not exceptional. Part of that perception may be that I wasn’t necessarily in the mood for sushi. Especially because I had just had it on Monday before leaving Honolulu and that sushi was better.

Leaving Honolulu. Now there’s a story. Actually, leaving Honolulu was easy. Dropped off the rental car at about 9:30p. Quickest drop off ever. Usually it is a huge pain in the arse, but Monday zip, zip. Done. Quick shuttle to the airport and short lines to check in. Monkey and I had seats far apart so I asked for seats together. Not possible but they put us 4 rows apart. Unfortunately she was row 6 which was in front of a dividing wall and I was in row 10 on the same side making it impossible to see her. I was however seated between 2 beautiful women. Who only wanted to sleep. This was better because it kept me from making a complete ass of myself. Only slept for about 2 hours. I have a harder time sleeping on airplanes than I used to. They are so damn uncomfortable. I definitely think American Airlines has some of the most comfortable seats. I need to stick with them instead of bouncing around airlines so I can rack up some frequent flier miles. I played a lot of solitaire on my phone, then read my book when the sun came up. Monkey apparently got to watch the sun rise from the plane. Said it was cool. Most of the windows close to me were closed. We made it to Phoenix and hunted down breakfast. A big Cinnabon for monkey, and a sammich purchased before leaving Honolulu for me. Monkey was nice enough to bring back a Diet Coke for me. We ate and talked then boarded the flight for Chicago. This is where it gets interesting but it has been almost 50 minutes now and I have to be awake in 4 hours to make it to work in the morning.

Twenty minutes with Dave

Why does everthing have to even out?

Or more importantly why do I always feel like I am in the negative column. Probably perception. I am probably pretty much even.

I will preface this rambling with the fact that I believe in the One True God. But I like to attribute some of the smaller things in life to lesser gods. Like the parking god, the weather god, the god of lost things, although he is probably a devil or demon.

And this is the demon I plan to talk about. Due to the influence of some of my friends I also talk about things in terms of karma. That Drunk girl for instance has the best parking karma of anyone I have ever met. Even my ability to frequently find rockstar parking in such a dense over automobiled city such as chicago pales in comparison.

The karma god fucking with me currently is the one in charge of hiding all my shit. i lost my digital camera about 2-3 weeks ago which is why this blog has been bereft of ridiculous pictures of ridiculous people, namely me. That is about to change because I have found my camera. Under my couch. I was sure I looked there before. I know I checked the cushions no less than 4 times. I even checked under The Matador's couch. But on Monday I dropped Scrabble tiles on the floor, of course after counting all the letters to make sure they were all there, and thought some may have gone under the couch which is a fairly dark place so after not seeing any tiles I swept under there with my hand and viola'! Camera!

This would be a fantastic thing except for the events of the previous week. Last Wednesday I had a drunktastic night that I still haven't told you about, including the part where I both bent and lost my sunglasses. My $200+, influenced by shiny objects, Vegas sunglasses. I never spend that much on suglasses because I either lose them or break them. That night I managed to do both. I have been very careful with these. Mainly because I knew how much shit Brother would give me if I lost them. Mister Brother with the same John Lennon give me a fucking break sunglasses for the past 20 years. Yes, Dear Brother 20 years. You're old. Sorry had to get that in there. Then on top of that on Sunday I was working and set down my stethoscope in one part of the ER to suture and then found my self on the other part of the ER (yes it is that big) needing a stethoscope and being to lazy to go back to get it at that moment asked if I could borrow one. Of course Red, not my most favorite person in the universe right now, was the only one with one available. Fast forward an hour or so to my leaving. I went to the locker room and took a stethoscope off my neck and put it in my locker. Now in my mind everything is right with the world. I changed, went running and then met up with mat for food and to go see Knocked up. After eating I walk out of one the few places in Joliet that I can tolerate, while discussing that I don't want to go in Joliet after the movie because I don't want to run into Red. And my phone beeps with a message. I dial voicemail and just as I am about to say "It is Red wanting to meet up" Her voice comes on my message, and I hang up. Partially because it was way to freaky and partially because I can't make out what she is saying. I laugh hysterically and tell Matador about the meassage. After the movie I check my message and find out that she is asking what the hell did you do with my stethoscope. I should just blow her off, but my conscience, pesky bugger that it is, insists that I call to see if she found it. She did not not. Nor did she find mine. I tell her that I know I put a scope in my locker but can't tell her which one. I also tell her that I don't work until tuesday, true, but what I don't tell her is that I am still in Joliet. I can only hear on my phone if the spreaker phone is on. Long story. So the Matador is enjoying this whole conversation. Red says again that she looked everywhere and can't find it. I pause, which makes make giggle silently, then say I don't know what to tell you. Which ends the silence from Matador. He is now giggling quite audibly, while I am elbowing hime in the shoulder. I gues elbowing th edriver is not the best course of action but we survived. He found the whole thing extremely amusing I found it to be a pain in the ass. Phone call ends. I say I hope that my stethocope is in my locker, I mean I will feel bad if I lost her scope, but I paid for the damn thing. So she really isn't out that much. Which Matador also finds funny.

I spent the night on the Matador's couch so after trouncing him at a few games of Scrabble I go to the hospital and check my locker to find Red's stethoscope. One problem solved. I then look through both nursing stations and both dictation rooms even checking drawers but to no avail. I am pissed but have hope that some one put it away somewhere and will return it soon. I luckily have a fairly rare brand of stethoscope.

So Monday night rolls around and I find my damn camera and am quite excited until I realize the big cosmic joke. It is like the pile ofc lost things only has so much room and if you lose enough shit some of that shit will be spit back into existence to maitain balance.

The happy ending is that last night while working I check the one drawer I hadn't checked and bingo, stethoscope.

But I am still kind of pissed although despite my rantings I am somewhat ahead being that the cazmera is both more expensive and more useful.

As Joe Walsh would say, I can't complain but sometimes I still do.

Last night rated Le-gen, on the Legendary scale. Real good time had by all. But I have been awake for 4 hours and all I have accomplished is getting my haircut, drinking 2 bottles of water, ate 1 1/2 pieces of Tuesday's pizza and bounced around blogland. So I will go do my laundry and take a shower and tehn try to post about last night before dinner.

PS- It is FUCKING RAINING out! Why must it only rain on my days off. I swear I have done something to piss God off.

In the last 24 hours I have

Driven in Traffic
Spent an hour arguing with my daughter
Ate pizza
Mmmmmmm.....Pizza
Ran 2.5 miles
Sweated
Panted
Showered
Went Drinking with my brother
Watched and listened to his friends play guitar
Some of them cute
Drank beer
Yes, me, beer
Watched Brother get drunk
Talked to a crazy person
Drank SoCo with flat Coke
Talked to a drunk guy in a Sox hat. Imagine that
Insulted someone from Colorade
Listened to him rant for 20 minutes
Watched same jackalope leave the bar with the prettiest girl there
Actually got in a cab in went home intead of to Betty's
Locked my keys in my apartment
Slept on Philarican's couch
Was late getting to the hospital for my Dad's Angiogram
Found out Dad is ok
Found out that Shaft is coming out with me later!
Foti is coming out with me later
Put on my Cubs Jersey because my ass is going to the Cubs game with Matador and some stuck up chick he is GaGa over but doesn't like him back.

If I were honest

If the world were honest I could post a personal ad like this


104 year old man seeks mid to late 20’s female who isn’t married, spit out a kid, engaged, whoring around or involved in more than 3 non-exclusive relationships. Not living with her parents, her ex-boyfriend or my ex-girlfriend. Is not obsessed with being thin but understands that drinking and watching Smallville are not sports. (Okay, I might give you that drinking thing but only if done outside the house. Otherwise it is just practice.) And does not qualify you as being athletic. I want a woman who can beat me at basketball, it’s not that hard trust me. And can challenge me at Scrabble. Chess is an option. Intelligence is a must. I used to think college was an option but if you are not smart enough to know that you need to go to college, see previous sentence. Me: My hobbies are Movies, running, Cubs baseball ( the rest of the league can suck my ass. Okay maybe I’ll go to a BoSox game), reading, playing Scrabble, drinking, and assorted naked debauchery. I prefer my movies to be dramas, and my life to be silly slapstick comedy. Not the other way around. Anyone who thought Epic Movie was funny need not apply.

Prefered but not required are women who like any of the following: giving oral sex, receiving oral sex, anal sex, spanking, rough play, dirty talk, biting, mild BDSM, and sex outside. As frequently as possible.

If there are any women who like everything in the second paragraph, the first paragraph is negotiable.

Friendship

Written on Sunday

Yesterday was a rough day. Friday I got loaded so I woke up on Saturday after only 3 hours of sleep with a pretty nasty hangover, which I was pretty upset by because I barely drank my average but I did it in a pretty short period of time. My hangover got progressively worse as the day went on and I continued to sober up. I didn't help that at 10:30am I was in a dentist’s office getting my teeth probed and x-rayed. I can handle torture but I prefer not to be hung over while it happens. After that I picked up monkey who had spent the previous night at a friend's house and then went to the mall. Because she is a 14 yo girl and it is required. I meet her at the mall and then eat at a place called Claim Jumper that I do not recommend. I ordered the salmon which was slathered in BBQ sauce. Who drenches salmon in BBQ sauce. I was expecting a thin layer but nooooooo! You couldn't even see the damn fish. So after about 60 seconds of bitching and moaning I just scraped all that shit off the salmon. What I should have done was asked them not to put it on in the first place. If I was suffering from shrunken brain syndrome I probably would have.

I then got to go to my parent's house to do what? Move furniture. Yep exactly what everyone wants to do when they are hung over, move furniture. Luckily it was just a coffee table. The one my mom had in the living room had a drawer in it which they managed to break, so she wanted to throw it out and bring an old one from up stairs. While Brother and I was searching the menagerie hoping not to be bitten by a goblin or killed by a troll, my mom decides that the table we are looking for is too big and she will buy a smaller one. Not that my parents have any money what so ever because neither are working right now. Reprieve I think, but then she says that she still wants us to throw out the old one. Where are you going to put things, on the floor? asks Brother. Sure says Mom. So Brother pull what is left of the drawer breaking it in pieces in the process. We carry the rest of the table out side and while on the porch Brother says I just want to throw this thing off the porch. Mmmmmm I think. And ask what the possible consequences are. Brother says it could hit that car. I look again and still think that the car is too far away, but anything is possible especially with my brother. I personally am worried about ending up with a shard of wood sticking out of my forehead. I figure the possible trajectories and agree. On the count of three. One. Two. Three. And down it goes and hits the ground and folds like a house of cards. Like it was designed to collapse. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk and it is done. Loudly. We both look back at the window and Brother says, where's Monkey? So we run down the stairs and pick up the pieces of the table as fast as we can and look up and sure enough Monkey is standing at the screen door looking out at us and our shit-eating grins. We quickly go to the alley and throw everything out. At least we got to have some fun.

But after this I am dead tired. But I have no food in the house. So we shop and get back to the apt about 5pm. Now Monkey hasn't slept since the day before because no one ever sleeps at a sleep over, and I am tired and still a bit hung-over so I make a motion that we nap. We vote and motion carried. I set my alarm for 6pm. At 8-8:30 I get out of bed and attempt to get Monkey up. I wouldn't of bothered her but she hadn't eaten since noon. No go. She wakes up momentarily and says something barely comprehensible and falls back asleep. Her most coherent sentence was "I really have no idea what is going on” I tell her to get in PJs and go to sleep. She actually manages to make it to the bathroom to take out her contacts but then passes out again almost instantly after hitting the pillow. I am still starving so I go on-line to order food. I resist the urge to order my Pie pizza which is my favorite but not in line with my goal of having a Miami body by the time I go to Miami. So I order Chinese, which sounds normal unless you know me.


I do not like Chinese food. It is not that I dislike it. I just don't like it. I mean I am willing to eat it and I don't avoid it, but I never seek it out. You have never heard me say let’s get Chinese Food. Just doesn't happen.

Until last night. I ordered from Friendship Restaurant on Milwaukee Avenue. I was extremely hungry, not eating since 1pm. So that may account for some of my response to the food but very little I think. I loved it. This was the first time I ever ate Chinese Food and went Wow! First the portions were huge. The Sake Garlic Chicken had two full boneless grilled chicken breasts that were extremely tender and juicy. No over cooked Wok food here. I didn’t quite like the Sake Garlic Sauce but the chicken tasted great. I also ordered the Mongolion Beef that wasn’t quite the standard beef and scallions but I was fine with that. It had onions, peppers, and baby corn. Possible one or two more veggies but I can’t remember. What I can remember is that the sauce was spicy but not crazy hot. And it had ginger in it which I usually don’t like but it had just enough that I didn’t realize it was ginger until I was hallf way through. The prices were a little steep, $11.95 an entrée but there was enough food that it was still a decent value. I am so going to have to go back. I and with Brother who is a Chinese food fanatic. So I will go with him and explore this restaurant further, but I definitely recommend it. I can’t believe I am excited about Chinese food.

HamNation: I Do Not Like To Hear Good News

A man walks into a bar

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the man.

As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologists told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile ?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence."

Stolen from Memphis Steve

Honest Blogger Quiz

I am posting this because tony asked me to.


1. which political party do you typically agree with? Republican

2. which political party do you typically vote for? Republican, when I vote

3. list the last six presidents that you voted for? H.W. Bush, wasn't old enough to vote for reagan. Have been unmotivated and uninspired since.

4. which party do you think is smarter about the economy? I think both parties have their own interests at heart and occasionally that benefits the general population. Sometimes it doesn't

5. which party do you think is smarter about domestic affairs? republicans

6. do you think we should keep our troops in Iraq or pull them out? pull them out, but how and when is a tricky situation

7. who, or what country, do you think is most responsible for 9/11? osama bin laden, the saudis.

8. do you think we will find weapons of mass destruction in iraq? no

9. yes or no, should the u.s. legalize marijuana? i'm torn but I lean toward no

10. do you think the republicans stole the last presidental election? Don't remember enough to give you an informed opinion and I am not taking the time to look it up.

11. do you think bill clinton should have been impeached because of what he did with monica lewinski? yes. In my personal life I heed the credo fo it is only against the rules if you get caught, but I do believe that people who take public office especially the presidency should be held to a higher standard.

12. do you think hillary clinton would make a good president? God, no.

13. name a current democrat who would make a great president: It is getting harder to find anyone in either party that would make a great president

14. name a current republican who would make a great president: see previous answer

15. do you think that women should have the right to have an abortion? yes

16. what religion are you? Christian.

17. have you read the Bible all the way through? Old testament yes. New testament, maybe not all the smaller books

18. what's your favorite book? Too hard to answer. Animal Farm by George Orwell. The Godfather by Mario Puzo (infinitely better than the movie) Maybe others

19. who is your favorite band? Too hard to answer

20. who do you think you'll vote for president in the next election? don't know yet

21. do you think President Bush and Vice President Cheeney should be impeached? no

22. do you think it was a coincidence that gasoline prices have nearly tripled and oil company profits have hit record highs while there was a US President whose family made its fortune through oil? no i dont think there was a coincidence.

23. do you think President Bush is the worst US President ever? and if not, who is? worst? Probably not. Bad for America? Probably. Who was the worst. I can't say. We've had some crappy ones.

24. do you think Iraq is going through a civil war? yes

25. now with all that the US has gone through, do you think it would have been better for the nation that George Bush had never been elected president? If I could predict the future or alternate presents I wouldn't have to work for a living.

I hate me.

Today it was combination of ADD and just plain stupidity. I am sitting, typing into my phone, at an intermittent standstill on I55. Trying to go 4 miles. There is no reason for me to be here. I worked last night at the hospital and slept in the call room because I was dead tired and I wanted to avoid traffic. I find that funny now. I oversleep. I have vague recollection of shutting off the alarm at noon. I wake up at 5p. Fuck. I decide to eat at Outback which is 6-7 miles from the hospital. I figure I can hang out at the bookstore after that until it is time to go to work. There is street that would taken me in a straight line and put me less than mile from the restaurant. But I thought hey outback is closer to the expressway and r miles on the streets is 1w-20 min but 4 miles on the expressway is 4 in. Except in rush hour with construction you dumbass! I have been on the expressway for 45 minutes and have gone about 2 miles. If this keeps up I am going to be late for work and I have never left Joliet or my car for that matter. Signpost up ahead 1 1/4 miles to my exit. Only 20 min more.

I made it off I55 almost exactly 1 hour after I got on. It took me about 1 hour 15 min to go 6 or 7 miles a 20 min trip tops. I had a good steak at Outback and talked for about an hour to a crazy but cute drunk woman who had to tell me all about her pets.

And I made it to work on time.

So much for consolation prizes.

My first 2-3 hours at work sucked ass, but I have no desire to tell that story.

What the hell

Didn't go out last night. Probably a good thing. Except for the fact that I was apparently abducted by aliens last night and had experiments conducted on my body all night. I was awakened by my doorbell being rung by the crazy polish plumbers, feeling like I had all my blood drained from my body, been run over by a steamroller, then my blood vessels re-infused with molasses then hit in the head and knocked out by a lead pipe.

What the hell?

And did I mention that I did NOT go out last night. If I am going to feel like shit I should at least have something to show for it. Like a hundred dollar bar tab or naked woman in my bed. A pineapple on the nightstand at least. That reminds me I need a night stand. Not that i have room for it. My bedroom is exactly 78 inches wide. My bed is 76 inches wide. Crazy, I know but once you have a king size bed you never want to give it up. Now I just need a mattress I like.

I like the sunshine. Maybe I should go out in it occasionally. If this run over by a truck feeling goes away I will probably go running with monkey later. Right now I should concentrate on taking a shower and eating some lunch.

Things accomplished today:

Finally made a fucking dentist appt.
Joined the National Scrabble Association- I know, I'm a dork. But I am dork who can beat you at Scrabble.

I hope this doesn't go south

The Caveman sent me a text a few hours ago and asked what I was doing I said nothing what's up. Don't know yet just getting started. I said let me know. I then went to dinner with my brother and the philarican. I had two margaritas. Only two. With my brother. That must be a record. I think that was the shortest, soberest and cheapest dinner we have ever been to together. I think partially because I was crazy hungover. Yes even at 8pm. My hangover didn't even start til about 4p. I think I was drunk until noon and had a positive alcohol level until at least 4.

Yes I was drinking shots last night. Lots of shots. All ordered by me. Multiple times. I don't know why I felt the need to pour that much alcohol into my system. I just couldn't get enough. Partially because I was at a dive bar I hate and Red was there. Never date anyone you work with. Whore.

Anyway. Caveman is on on the south side of Chicago and may come up north to drink with me. He says he is coming but he is liquored up so who knows. If and when he will show up is anybody's guess. But this guy can drink so it may be a bad night. The fact that he started a few hours ago makes it better or worse. He did give me a compliment by saying that if anyone can out drink him it is me. I don't if I should take that as a compliment. One of these days I will have to retire.

Contemplating showering. I will be pissed if I shower and get dressed and he doesn't show. I can't believe it is 11p already. I should be already buzzed or in bed. Both wouldn't have been bad.

Time to go.

There are 3 people in my apartment who speak little or no english.

2 of which are screaming at each other in polish in my bathroom. They are supposed to be remeding the fact that the hot water only trickles out of the shower, whereas the cold water shoots out with the force of a fire hose. Not making for a very nice showering experience. I must empty my bowels so I am going to find an alternative bathroom rather than go anywhere near the pipe wrench weilding polish man in my bathroom.

I just keep telling myself it can always be worse

About a month ago I moved from the basement to the second floor of the same building because the DAMN PLACE FLOODED! So I needed a new bed. So I bought one. King Size. In a rush. I don't know why I do shit like that in a hurry. Anyway the sales lady talked me into a firm mattress. I have never had a firm mattress, and I hear it is supposed to be good for your back. And in the 10 seconds I spent on each mattress it seemed like the best one. She said this is my favorite I lay on it all the time. and in fact she was when I walked in. It sucks!

It is like sleeping on the floor. I got a padded mattress topper. No help. I worked a lot and drank a lot the week I got the bed so I couldn't go back right away to complain. I thought I only had seven days to exchange mattresses. I came across the recent 2 days ago and I have 30 days. Which ends tomorrow. I went back to the mattress place and spent a good 2-5 minutes on each mattress and found that I like plush but not pillow top. Although i did find one pillow top that I like. So I have it down to 2 mattresses. I ask what the difference is in price between these and the one I bought. The price is listed but I know that they are on sale, and when I bought my bed I got about $400 off the price. She pulls my old receipt and looks at the bed and tells me there is a $500 difference for one and $800 difference for the other. But aren't they on sale I say. Yes but comfort exchanges are at list price. But I bought mine on sale. I have been by here before everything is ALWAYS on sale. She starts spouting something about company policy and how she can't change policy. I start walking toward the door before I start spouting something like I don't give a shit. I bought a $1500 bed, it should cost me $500 to get a $1600 bed. Fuckers. And they will charge me a $100 delivery charge. Super Fuckers. But I really hate my current bed. And the other problem is I don't get paid until Monday or Tuesday at which point I will have exceeded my 30 days. And I have somehow recently depleted all my savings on what I am not sure.

Part of me thinks she talks people into buying the slightly cheaper crappy mattress so they will return it and have to pay full price on the other mattress that would have cost just about the same if they just bought it in the first place. Just to get a higher commission. Fuckers. I am pissed a little. Can you tell. And when this happened it was 5pm and I haven't eaten all day. Which those who know me that any time I go more than 4 hours without eating it is a bad thing.

So while driving home I pass this bar called Lottie's. It is on a side street and I would have never of found it except by accident. Which I did. I pull over and decide to eat hoping that will help decrease the steam coming out of my ears. I helps a little. Especially because I can eat outside and all the waitstaff are hot women. All the female patrons are hot women. My day is getting slightly better.

I am sipping my diet coke, because I work tonight, and am waiting for my food when a very hot woman walks out of the bar to the patio and sits down. She is wearing a tight top and no bra and I am not offended.

She sits fairly far away and I am content with quick glimpse I received, until I hear her laughing then I look over and recognize her. She is a friend of Philarican. I thought I had posted about this girl before but looking back i somehow did not. I will call her Miranda. I keep looking and am pretty sure I am right. About 15-20 min later she is leaving and has to walk past my table to do it and I call out her name and I am correct. She looks at me and has no idea who I am. We were never close or ever hung out away from the Philarican but we met anywhere from 6-10 times. I say my name and that I am Philarican's friend and the light goes on. She asks who I am and asks about my daughter. I show her pictures. She is amazed at how old she is. She introduces me to the boyfriend, who is a complete dork but apparently some genius physicist or something per the Philarican. His sister is kinda cute. We part ways.

So not only do I have to shell out tons more money for a decent mattress that should only cost me $100 -200 more, but I dissed by a hot woman that I actually know. I expect the ones I don't know to give me shit but I was just kind of put off that she didn't remember me.

Now I have to go to work. See I told you it could get worse.

Truth in advertising

Stolen from It's Just a Blog

What is this world coming to?

I have been trying to write a post about the events of May 2 for a week and a half now. Mostly on my PDA. Those mini keyboards really do become a huge pain in the ass if you are typing more that a quick text message. I finally moved the file onto my computer and started working on it, in attempt to finally get it posted so I can start work on my post about May 9th which is legendary. Seriously. But the events of last night have suddenly become more interesting and much more funny.

Yesterday was Shaft's Co-Dependant Girlfriend's birthday. So he took her out to dinner and invited a bunch of friends. Including me. But of course my jackass shows up late but this time on purpose. I had been previously invited to a dinner lecture at the restaurant Tru. Look up Tru in Chicago. And if you have a recockulous amount of money to throw away, eat there. The food is Amazing. The service exceeds all expectations. And I got to eat there for free. I didn't even have to pay for Valet parking. I would go through the whole menu and experience but I really do want to make this a short post. Short for me anyway.

Fast forward to 9:45pm last night. I am leaving Tru and heading to Buona Terra for the birthday party and my second dinner of the night. I am approx. 7-8 drinks in to the evening. I find them in the restaurant and luckily CDGF is sitting with her back to me and I able to sneak up behind her and kiss her on the cheek and wish her Happy Birthday. Unfortunately my unprepared ass doesn't have a present or even a card with me.

There are approx 7 people at the table. Clockwise from the head, CDGF, a frat bro of Shaft's, his wife, Shaft, Monica , a hot polish girl at the other end of the table with a cute accent who came with, Horse Cock who is a friend of David's who I have met a couple of times, another Frat bro, A girl who came with, yet another frat bro. I have met these guys once or twice but never remember their names.

I end up sitting between Shaft and Polish Girl. Sweet. I order. Everyone else has ordered but has not received their food. I order a drink. Imagine that. The food comes shortly followed by mine. I am impressed by the speed. And the salmon wasn't bad either. Would definitely go back. Shaft and CDGF come here all the time.

I will have to diverge from the story a little bit to explain Horse Cock. No I have never seen it. HC is a friend of Shaft's and Rico's from high school or possibly shortly after that. He is not butt ugly but he is not really an attractive guy kind of greasy and according to the boys treats women like shit but gets some of the hottest women. Which they could never understand. So they surmised that he must have a cock like a horse. And the name stuck. I don't think HC himself even knows the exeistence of the name but because I like to protect the anonymity of the idiots in blog, Horse Cock it is.

HC, Shaft and I are talking about Miami, other stories and other comments that probably shouldn't be said in mixed company. And we are having a blast. Every 60 seconds or so our end of the table erupts in laughter. CDGF says what kind of party is going on at that end. We are just toasting to you and how beautiful you are. She smiles. She knows bullshit when she hears it. A few minutes later we erupt in laughter again and she says are you having your own party down there? Can I join? I say absolutely come and sit on my lap. She says Really? Just what I wanted for my birthday. WE finish eating have a couple more drinks, birthday cake and another drink. And I ask my ever present question. Adonde proximo? Where next?

Where next is Clybar. Cool place. Relatively empty. Two girls sitting further down the bar. I have too many drinks in me to sound intelligent to strangers so I don't even try. Instead, I order more drinks. Including shots. We all then telling stories. Mine apparently all too long for CDGF who frequently tells me to stay on track and finish the damn story. Which I eventually do. Shaft tells a couple of stories. Horse cock tells a few stories. If there was anyone left in the bar they would have though we were either crazy or hilarious. Or both. We were loud and laughing continuously. Horse cock told a couple of stories about Shaft then told us that he is dating a 21 year old girl whose birthday was the day before and he gave her a Movado watch. To which she says Oh thank you and he gets a little kiss on the cheek. For a Movado watch! Later she is on the phone with her friend and says yeah he gave me a watch. Horse Cock says "I am returning that. How can you not appreciate that. For some people that is there dream watch." Hell when I was 21 that WAS my dream watch. I got one from the Ex as a wedding present. I still have it.

For those of you who don't care about watches HC probably dropped about $600-$1000 on that watch.

Back to the story. The whole time we are telling stories Polish Girl is sitting there smiling politely. I got the impression as the night wore on that her English vocabulary is not as broad as I initially assumed. Btu every time he turns to talk to her she seems happy and is content to sit there and listen and smile. At one point I was going to go over and talk to her to keep her involved but who am I to cock block. Even though this is a first date and as Horse Cock was walking into the restaurant Shaft saw Horse Cock lean over and say what is your name again? Classic.

So we eventually leave. HC with his girl in his Porsche. 911. Carrera. Convertible. I tell him he is a cock for owning my dream car, and he tells me I can borrow it when he is out of town. I love him.

I go to Betty's to see Z, a bartender I have a crush on who recently broke up with her boyfriend and got back together with him. She pours me a drink and proceeds to tell this long drama filled story. I loose my desire to stay, and leave 2/3 of my drink on the bar. You know you are drunk when you are willing to leave a man behind.

I get home. I wake up today with my alarm at 8am for the love of god Why. It takes me 1/2 hour to get the strength to get up and shut it off. I mainly get up because I need water. Lots of water. I get up pull a bottle of water out of the fridge adn walk towards the living room and my suit from the night before is strew around the apartment. Pants in the living room. Shirt in the middle of the dining room and the jacket in the far corner. On the floor. In my defense it looks like I may hay tried to lay it on another object before it hit the floor. You know you had to much drink when your clothes from last night are thrown everywhere and you weren't trying to get them off to have sex. I can understand the line of clothes from the front door to the bedroom. But all over willy nilly. That is kind of funny but I would have been happier if there were female clothes accompany them.

Anyway I call call Horse Cock today because he may have Cubs Sox tickets for tomorrow. He calls back. He says do you remember that girl from last night? I say yeah. He then tells me the punch line. I will make you sit through the whole story. He drive her back to his building where her car is. Her car is in his parking space in the building because there is no good street parking. They get back and he asks her to move her car. She apparently wanted to stay with this jerk who ignored her all night and spent half the night talking about other women because she says "are you kicking me out?" "I am not kicking you out but you can't stay." "I am tired, I'm drunk, I don't feel good and I have to work in the morning." They get out of the car she is standing on the passenger side and looks him right in the eye, takes her key and runs it down the entire passenger side. From the door all the way to the back of the car. She keyed his car! She keyed his Porsche! His dream car. My dream car. My response was She got pissed because you didn't fuck her? Usually they get pissed because you do.

He calls the police and has her arrested. She apparently got out at 8am this morning. He is bragging about Traveler's insurance though. He called today and there was an adjuster at his house in an hour and then then gave him the name of the place to get it fixed and wired them a check immediately. Wow.

Poor Porsche though.

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I signed on to write a post about how my life is the exact same as 1 year ago but the truth is that it is I that am the same. And I think I am ready to change. Improve myself. Evolve.

But first I must do things like stop procrastinating, and stop being easily distracted. Like going back to look at last year's posts from may, only to be distracted and start looking at april also. Then moving a March post from my old blog to this one. It's a doozy, you should check it out.

Anyway although there are plenty of comparisons about how my life is the same now I have chosen not to list them. Instead you will get a dose of ADD. I am not hoping for much.

I am pretty tired right now. Worked for 9 hours. Worked out. Woo Hoo! Then drove back in to the City and had dinner with The Philarican at her place. Ordered out. I had baked chicken and grilled vegtables. Good for me yes? But then I at 1/2 a twice baked potato. And a roll. And was still hungry. Still am hungry.

We watched the Prestige on DVD. It is GOOOOOD! Really pretty impressive on so many levels. None of which I will get into right now.

I need to get out of the house more. Change my paradigm. At least change my clothes.

Running out of steam here. Need to find an idea that will keep me from going to bed.

Nope, nothing.

Gonna look at porn and go to bed.

Update

I had a good time last night. I was going to post about it but it will take too long post about it now so you will have to wait. For right now I need to get out of my living room and get my ass to the ballgame. Yes ball game. Woo Hoo! To those of you not from Chicago or those of you with the misfortumne of growing up on the wrong side of town there is only one ballgame in Chicago and that happens be at Wrigley field, The Greatest Place on Earth. I know have told a lady or few that my bedroom is the Greatest Place on Earth, but the truth comes out. It is Wrigley Field.

And speaking of truth. I have been making a half ass attempt at losing weight and getting in shape for my trip to Miami in july. I have been doing slightly better at the working out and running part but I eat like a pig and drink like a fish. But I finally found my motivation other than having a Miami body when I go to MIami.

Approx 3 - 3 1/2 years ago a pretty young thing (The original Red Headed Slut) bought me a Cubs Jersey. Becasue I am a Cubs nut and she loves me. It's a large and hung on me perfect meaning a little loose but not big. Not so much anymore. It doesn't feel tight but there is a way too noticeable bulge around my midsection. Way too noticeable. Jearseys aren't supposed to look like that the are supposed to hang straight down. And what really pisses me off is I think I way just a few pounds more now than then I just have no muscle mass and it is all fat and all in my belly.

So this is it we are hard core. In one month I want to fit into my jersey and by July 26 I want to be down to at least 175. Miami is going to be legendary.

But first off to the Game.

Damn, You should post more

I can''t believe I haven't posted in over 2 weeks. I also can't believe I haven't moved all my shit out of the basement yet. I did throw out all the wet shit though so there was some accomplishment. There have been a couple good stories since my last post. I went out and got super drunk with Brother. Actually he got super drunk, but I don't knew if I am allowed to tell that one. It's a goodun. I went drinking with Matador last Friday and had a good time. We didn't meet anyone new or find anyone to join the world Drinking Tour but I did find out that sexy Italian Bartender (SIB) was no longer with her boyfriend. That could be good news for me. or maybe not. I may be too far into the friend category to ever dig my self out, but it might be worth trying. She is going to come with us to see Hottie next Wednesday at Betta's for Pretty Wednesdays it is $40 for a 15 min massage, a manicure and 3 hours of all you can drink martini's. That part alone is worth $40. Hottie used to work with SIB a few years ago.

I also met a girl on Monday. After work Aborama and I went out for a few Drinks and The Matador and some friends were supposed to meet us out. WE were there about 10 min when Matador comes strolling in wearing a Cowboy hat that isn't his but seems to work quite well. He is LO-ded. Big time. He goes to the bathroom and then the rest of the posse roll in, including Aborama's ex-boyfriend, The Gay Asshole. That isn't predudice, just both of those descriptors are true and because we all know people who fit one or the other using both narrows it down a little. Apparently Aborama was the only one who couldn't figure out he was gay. Except for him, he doesn't admit it either. Also rolling in are Party Girl, Muscles, and the Caveman- yes he really looks like a cave man. A few minutes later Matador is talking to two attractive women because they were silly enough to ask him for a smoke. I can hear Matador struggling to talk slow and enunciate all his words in a poorly veiled attempt not to sound shit faced drunk. Luckily the girls were fairly intoxicated themselves. Especially the blond one who was very cute. I was sober at this point so I know she was cute but looked very young. I just kept thinking "don't be underage, don't be underage" Turns out she is 26, has a four year old son, ouch, and is "getting" divorced, double ouch. I know red flags run like hell. I said what do you mean getting divorced. We are at the end stages. I have heard that before. So I am looking at this realistically but of course got her number anyway. forgive me I am in the middle of a 35 day drought, cut me some slack. I called and left a message today but haven't heard anything yet. The dreaded first phone call.

Any way tonight I am sitting here avoiding getting more shit out of the basement, so I think I will sign off and go get a couple drinks. :)

Have fun kiddies.